Bassy
Lieutenant Commander
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2003
- Messages
- 1,795
ALERT: A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked<br />bread<br />> > may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers <br />of<br />the<br />> > smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the <br />organic<br />> > components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this <br />stuff<br />> > up).<br />> ><br />> > I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced<br />> > global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the<br />> > government going to go after Big Bread?<br />> ><br />> > Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should <br />make<br />> > anyone think twice...<br />> ><br />> > 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.<br />> ><br />> > 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming <br />households<br />> > score below average on standardized tests.<br />> ><br />> > 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the <br />home,<br />> the<br />> > average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality <br />rates<br />> were<br />> > unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such <br />as<br />> > typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.<br />> ><br />> > 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 <br />hours<br />of<br />> > eating bread.<br />> ><br />> > 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been <br />proven<br />that<br />> > as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. <br />The<br />> > average American eats more bread than that in one month!<br />> ><br />> > 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low <br />incidence<br />> of<br />> > cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.<br />> ><br />> > 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of <br />bread<br />and<br />> > given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.<br />> ><br />> > 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"<br />> items<br />> > such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.<br />> ><br />> > 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is <br />more<br />> than<br />> > 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your <br />body<br />> being<br />> > taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,<br />> gooey<br />> > bread-pudding person.<br />> ><br />> > 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.<br />> ><br />> > 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!<br />> That<br />> > kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.<br />> ><br />> > 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish <br />between<br />> > significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.<br />> ><br />> > In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following <br />bread<br />> > restrictions:<br />> ><br />> > 1. No sale of bread to minors.<br />> ><br />> > 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity <br />TV<br />> spots<br />> > and bumper stickers.<br />> ><br />> > 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the <br />societal<br />ills<br />> > we might associate with bread.<br />> ><br />> > 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may <br />appeal<br />to<br />> > children) may be used to promote bread usage.<br />> ><br />> > 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.<br />> ><br />> ><br />> > Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.<br />> >
