What would you do?? Desecration of headstone ??

[crazy charlie]

Need some opinioins here.Some backround.We lost my motherinlaw 7 years ago at 73...too young.My wife still devestated.Her mom was her best bud since a child until the very end.Br in law (free loader) showed up and moved in with mom for her last 2 years because he got divorced and needed a place to live and freeload.He had not been a part of his parents or grand parents life for past 20 years.Mom and pop are laid to rest in a local private small cemetery close to their neighborhood.My wife and I handled and paid for her parents headstone with a beach scene engraved into it since they were beach lovers.Br in law at age 60 decides to get married recently.He or she had an actual pet tag made reading "thank you for giving birth to the man of my dreams" and they epoxied it to the base of moms headstone.Epoxy/glued cmon gimme a break.My wife is furious,I am shocked and stymied as to WHY this was done.Mom knew the "new" wife for only a short while and did not like her.This to me is ultimate disrespect.Desecration .We are beside ourselves as to what to do about it.What would you do??? Charlie

 

[sphelps]

Some people just have no sense of being respectful.. I would leave it up to what your wife wants to do .. Has she asked why they would do that and why they Did not ask for permission. Seeing as you paid for the headstone ..

 

[The Force power]

Rip it off like a band aid

 

[crazy charlie]

Some people just have no sense of being respectful.. I would leave it up to what your wife wants to do .. Has she asked why they would do that and why they Did not ask for permission. Seeing as you paid for the headstone ..

Im still trying to keep her calm about it which is not easy.I dont want her asking anyone anything just yet cause it wont be pretty....THAT I am sure of

 

[sphelps]

Maybe she should right a letter to her brother asking him to please remove it explaining why it’s upsetting her and really being disrespectful. If they want to honor her than do it in another way like giving to charity in her name or something ..
Or even buy a nice flower vase with some words on it maybe .
‘If That don’t work then get the putty knife out and start scraping ...

 

[jbcurt00]

A quick google search suggests that in New York state, its at least a 1st degree misdemeanor, if the headstone (or its repair) is more then $250.

Nobody in their right mind should think its appropriate to permanently adhere anything to a headstone w out discussing it w the relatives that saw to the person's last wishes, who purchased the headstone AND w out knowing it was part of the deceased last wishes.

Besides, what buffoonery to engrave that message on a dog tag....

It sounds a strained relationship anyway, so absolutely no countenance for stupidity, relative or not......

Remove and repair, or replace headstone at their expense, or file crimimal desecration charges.

Tragic, sometimes family relations suck

good luck Charlie, w the Admiral and her lunatic brother and his wife.

 

[MTboatguy]

You need to get ahold of the groundskeeper at the cemetery and request they remove the non approved addition to the headstone, in most places it is against the rules or laws to add additions other than an additional name after a partner has passed.

This saves all of the drama and heartache this can and oftens does to a family. I have been there are done it and was furious, but approached from the rules/laws aspect and went on with life.

When it comes to relatives like this, you really want to avoid the drama, I have lost both my parents, my sister and a brother in law and all of our grandparents, just quietly get it done and go on with life. Not easy, but most of the time the most prudent course of action.

 

[aspeck]

Confrontation is not the answer in a case like this. MT’s advise is spot on. You and your wife don’t need the drama, and the drama won’t help anyone heal ... just make the wounds deeper and harder to endure. Am about building/repairing relationships instead of tearing them apart. Freeloading idiot or not, he is still your wife’s brother.

 

[DeepCMark58A]

Just go remove it yourself say nothing to your wife.

 

[southkogs]

I agree with MT and 'Speck - painful as things are, regrettable actions met by regrettable actions only bring more regrets. That's good advice up in #7 and #8.

Sorry to hear of it Charlie. It's painful and wrong. Very hard to take the high road and keep ahead of things.

 

[JASinIL2006]

I think MT has it right, too.

 

[crazy charlie]

There is no real caretaker in small private cemetary.Partially what make it nice and quaint compared to most here in NY.We can plant whatever we want ,grass,shrubbery,flowers etc.Decided to call headstone company to get an estimate and will inform Be in law that he must remove item and restore base to original or i will contract headstone company and have them bill him.Thanks for all of your thoughts

 

[levittownnick]

It would great on my last nerve but if I can maintain my control I would just let it stay so that others can see for themselves what an idiot this guy is. I feel certain that the deceased can deal with it better than the living therefore that would not be a concern. Any one detached from the situation would possibly just shake there head and laugh at the idiot. In a hundred years it won't make a difference anyway. When you think of it, just let it confirm your opinion of the jerk.
Good luck,
Levittownnick

 

[crazy charlie]

It would great on my last nerve but if I can maintain my control I would just let it stay so that others can see for themselves what an idiot this guy is. I feel certain that the deceased can deal with it better than the living therefore that would not be a concern. Any one detached from the situation would possibly just shake there head and laugh at the idiot. In a hundred years it won't make a difference anyway. When you think of it, just let it confirm your opinion of the jerk.
Good luck,
Levittownnick

My wife and I visit the gravesite regularly so leaving it attached is not going to be an option for us as we already know what a pain her brother is so I dont need the steady reminder. every visit to respect my inlaws.

 

[Old Ironmaker]

Some people are just beyond decency. I have a brother that must share your BIL's DNA. Dad passed the end of April at 92, a great life he had, fell asleep and joined Mom who passed last August. I don't think the wall crypt had been sealed and dear Brother and his drug addled wife went to his apartment and put stickies on almost everything in there. Including the painting I did for Mom a few years ago. If I was 10 years younger I would be currently incarcerated for assault and death threats. Not worth my breath. Nor is your BIL. Remove the thing, have it polished and send him the bill and a registered letter from your Lawyer reiterating that any further desecration of the head stone will result in charges being laid.

"A person that is stupid is not his or her fault, a DNA gene is passed down to that person, it may occasionally skip a generation or a sibling. However a person with a semblance of intelligence that does stupid things is simply ignorant."

He and she are ignoramuses. Do what JBCURT advised.