SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"Lost in WalMart"<br /> <br />Two old guys are pushing their carts around<br />Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy<br />says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm<br />looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying<br />attention to where I was going."<br /> <br />The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a<br />coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't<br />find her and I'm getting a little desperate."<br /> <br />The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help<br />you find her. What does she look like?"<br /> <br />The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years<br />old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big<br />busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does<br />your wife look like?"<br /> <br />To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, ---<br />let's look for yours."<br />______________________________________________________________<br />"Golfing Memories"<br /> <br />A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with<br />a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried,<br />and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had<br />to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old<br />gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could<br />accompany the young man.<br /> <br />Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join<br />him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He<br />didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently<br />and didn't waste much time.<br /> <br />Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man<br />found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine<br />tree right in front of his ball - directly between his<br />ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how<br />to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when<br />I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."<br /> <br />With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung<br />hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree<br />trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from<br />where it had originally lay.<br /> <br />The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of<br />course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only<br />3 feet tall."<br /> <br />______________________________________________________________<br />"Bark!"<br /> <br />A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking<br />along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.<br />The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat<br />runs away.<br /> <br />"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.<br />"Now do you see why it's important to learn<br />a foreign language?"<br />_______________________________________________________________<br />"Help Wanted"<br /> <br />A local business was looking for office help. They<br />put a sign in the window saying:<br /> <br />HELP WANTED<br />Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.<br />Successful applicant must be bilingual.<br />We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.<br /> <br />A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted<br />up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He<br />looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then<br />walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and<br />pawed the air. The receptionist called the office<br />manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see<br />a canine applicant. However, the dog looked<br />determined, so he led him into the office.<br /> <br />Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at<br />the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't<br />hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."<br />The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and<br />proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter.<br />He took out the page and trotted over to the manager,<br />gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.<br /> <br />The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That<br />was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says<br />that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."<br /> <br />The dog jumped down again, went to the computer<br />and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with<br />various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet<br />and database, then presented them to the manager.<br /> <br />The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the<br />dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent<br />applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog<br />-- no way could I hire you."<br /> <br />The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the<br />window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal<br />Opportunity Employer."<br /> <br />The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what<br />the sign says. But the sign also says you have to<br />be bilingual."<br /> <br />The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />"Meow!!!"<br />____________________________________________________________<br />"Family Decision"<br /> <br />One day, after a man had his annual physical,<br />the doctor came out and said, "You had a great<br />check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk<br />about or ask me?"<br /> <br />"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting<br />a vasectomy."<br /> <br />"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over<br /> with your family?"<br /> <br />"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it<br />15 to 2." 
