Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:<br /><br />-If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long. <br />-The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise. <br />-If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood. <br />-Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds. <br />-Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play. <br />-Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors. <br />-Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either. <br />-Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice. <br />-Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you. <br />-This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros. <br />-When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier. <br />-You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik." <br />-Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out. <br />-If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints. <br />-The most important thing is to vote your conscience. <br />-Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Bush. Vo-o-o-o-ote Bush." <br />-If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth. <br />-If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time. <br />-Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you. <br />-Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists. <br />-If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it. <br /><br /><br />What To Bring<br /><br />-Remember to bring proper identification to the polls.<br />This can be:<br />-Driver's license or your chauffeur <br />-Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris <br />-SuperVoter discount card <br />-Note from president <br />-Proof that your grandfather voted <br />-Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas <br />-Two Iraqi scalps <br />-Receipt for your shoes <br />-Videotape of your first steps <br />-Halliburton employee ID <br />-Birthday card from grandmother <br />-Pint of %^&* for DNA-identification purposes <br />-Casserole dish to pass <br />-A good friend who can totally vouch for you <br />-Signed $20 bill <br />-Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name
