Tail_Gunner
Admiral
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2006
- Messages
- 6,237
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet?[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]She replies, "No".[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]She replies, "No."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom says, "No."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]He asks, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories![/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... cost - $29.99[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Over 3 hours to read[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton : ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullsh!t artist.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose gets to keep her jewelry[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Jack surrenders to an icy death.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.[/FONT]
Driving to the office this morning on the I-5 Freeway, I looked over to my right
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 65 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!
Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!!
It scared me so much (and this coming from a guy....) that I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the Egg McMuffin out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, which fell
into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM
AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette
out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Dat's all folk's see ya on the flip side....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet?[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]She replies, "No".[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]She replies, "No."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom says, "No."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]He asks, "Do you know what I think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories![/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... cost - $29.99[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Over 3 hours to read[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton : ... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullsh!t artist.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose gets to keep her jewelry[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Titanic: .... Jack surrenders to an icy death.[/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica]Clinton: .... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.[/FONT]
Driving to the office this morning on the I-5 Freeway, I looked over to my right
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 65 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!!
Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!!
It scared me so much (and this coming from a guy....) that I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the Egg McMuffin out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, which fell
into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM
AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette
out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Dat's all folk's see ya on the flip side....
