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- May 29, 2003
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas*Almost<br /><br />Every fan In the Bluegrass liked UK a lot<br />But the Grinch, Who lived just North of Bluegrass,<br />Did NOT!<br /><br />The Grinch hated UK!<br />The whole UK season!<br />Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.<br />It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.<br />It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.<br />But I think that the most likely reason of all<br />May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.<br /><br />But,Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes,<br />He stood there on the game's Eve, hating the Blue,<br />Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown<br />At the warm lighted windows below in their town.<br />For he knew every Blue down in Bluegrass beneath<br />Was busy now, hanging a blue and white wreath.<br /><br />"And they're hanging their banners!" he snarled with a sneer.<br />"Tomorrow is Game time! It's practically here!"<br />Then he growled, with his Grinch rings nervously spinning,<br />"I MUST find a way to keep UK from winning!"<br />For, tomorrow, he knew...<br /><br />...All the Blue girls and boys<br />Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!<br />And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!<br />That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!<br /><br />Then the Blue, young and old, would sit down to watch.<br />And they'd watch! And they'd feast!<br />And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!<br />They would start on Blue-pudding, and rare Blue-roast-beast<br />Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!<br /><br />And THEN<br />They'd do something he liked least of all!<br />Every Blue down in Bluegrass, the tall and the small,<br />Would stand close together, with Wildcat gear.<br />They'd stand and they'd clap. And the Blue, they would cheer!<br /><br />They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!<br />AND they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!<br />And the more the Grinch thought of the Blue UK Cheer<br />The more the Grinch thought, "I must win again this year!<br />"Why for so many years I've put up with it now!<br />I MUST stop UK from winning! ...But HOW?"<br /><br />Then he got an idea!<br />An awful idea!<br />THE GRINCH<br />GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!<br /><br />"I know just what to do!" The Grinch Laughed in his throat.<br />And he made a quick Armani red tie and a coat.<br />And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!<br />"With this coat and this hat, I'll be perfect, Slick Rick!"<br /><br />"All I need is a team..."<br />The Grinch looked around.<br />But since players are scarce, there was none to be found.<br />Did that stop the old Grinch...?<br />No! The Grinch simply said,<br />"If I can't find good players, I'll make one instead!"<br />So he called his town jail. Then he took a red seam<br />And he dressed some guys into a Louisville team.<br /><br />THEN, He polished his shoes<br />And tied his red tie<br />He promised to win<br />With another red lie.<br /><br />Then the Grinch said, "$&#^@!"<br />And the game started out<br />The Cats surged ahead<br />But there was trouble about.<br /><br />All their shots bounced out. The Blue were not there.<br />The Grinch looked slick with his greasy black hair<br />The Cards had a lead with numbers to spare.<br />"This is win number three," The old Grinchy coach hissed<br />And he stalked the sidelines, pounding his fist.<br /><br />Then he smiled to his players; it looked like a cinch.<br />The game was theirs, so thought the Grinch.<br />They got stuck only once, for a moment or two.<br />But they went into halftime, well ahead of the Blue.<br />They were so smug, they'd won two in a row.<br />Garcia and Dean danced, they made quite a show.<br /><br />Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,<br />Around the whole bench, and he wanted the present!<br />Garcia! And Palacios! Taquan Dean! Myles!<br />He had all these players, he had them in piles!<br />And he knew he would win. Then the Grinch, with delight,<br />Took it inside, and with glee won that fight!<br /><br />As he slunk to the locker room, He took the Blue's pride<br />He took the Blue scoring! He took the inside!<br />He cleaned out that paint with battering rams.<br />Why, that Grinch even took their weapon of Shagari-slams!<br /><br />And the Grinch grabbed the ball, and he started to shove<br />When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.<br />He turned around fast, and he saw a small Blue!<br />Little Patrick Sparks, who was just Twenty-Two.<br /><br />The Grinch had been caught by this little blue collar<br />Who'd come here to play and wasn't ready to falter<br />He glared at the Grinch and said, "Cardinals, NO!<br />"You're not taking this game, I won't let it go!"<br /><br />But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick<br />He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!<br />"Why, my redneck hick," the fake Card Coach lied,<br />"We're better than you, so why even try?<br />"We've got this game won, we'll see you next year.<br />"I don't even know why you bother to come here."<br /><br />But this fib didn't work and the Cats saw red<br />The dancing of Cardinals spun in their heads<br />And when halftime was over and five minutes gone<br />The Cats started playing and a new game had dawned.<br /><br />Then the next thing he knew<br />Patrick Sparks was on fire.<br />Then Buike and Moss, but his team, they tired.<br />The Louisville lead came down to the wire<br /><br />And one speck of fear<br />Crept into Freedom Hall<br />The game on the line, yet Tubby went small.<br /><br />Then what was to happen?<br />A dream to come true?<br />For everyone all decked in blue.<br /><br />It was twelve seconds left<br />A play to be called<br />Time was ticking, and Sparks had the ball.<br />The Cardinals led<br />But only by one! Win in their grasp! All but won!<br />The trap! And the defense left no player about<br />With four seconds left Sparks called Time Out.<br /><br />Time out taken, by Louisville too.<br />A state on the edge, red and Blue.<br />Then the teams re-took the floor<br />The pass came in to number twenty-four<br />He leapt in the air for an off-balance shot<br />But lobbed it instead, to everyone's shock<br /><br />Sparks pumped and he jumped as he sold the fake<br />Myles and George crashed in his face<br />Fans on their feet! Loudly they roared!<br />The Grinch smiled smugly; the Cats hadn't scored!<br /><br />But one little whistle, Sparks had been fouled!<br />Three shots to Sparks, oh how the Grinch howled!<br />Surely Sparks walked, the Grinch said as he talked<br />But .6 still the time, with Sparks at the line.<br /><br />Down by one with the world in his hands,<br />Sparks stepped up to the line he would stand.<br />The first went down to so much relief<br />But the Cardinals hung down their heads with grief.<br /><br />The second one in with a neat little swish<br />An earthquake, a flood, a tornado the Grinch wished.<br />The last throw floated forever in arc<br />Then it went in, and broke the Grinch's heart.<br /><br />Then began a sound he dreaded to hear.<br />So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.<br />And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.<br />It started in low. Then it started to grow...<br /><br />But the sound wasn't sad!<br />Why, this sound sounded merry!<br />It couldn't be so!<br />But it WAS merry! VERY!<br /><br />He stared down at Bluegrass!<br />The Grinch popped his eyes!<br />Then he shook!<br />What he saw was a shocking surprise!<br /><br />Every fan down in Bluegrass, the tall and the small,<br />Was cheering for Kentucky basketball!<br />He HADN'T stopped UK from winning!<br />Cats won!<br />Somehow or other, they won, it was done!<br /><br />And so the Grinch and the team with shame<br />With tail tucked ran away from the game.<br />With whining, excuses and made up reasons.<br />The game was over, but not the season.<br />The Grinch is still grumpy and mean as sin<br />The Cats with Tubby will continue to win.