SpinnerBait_Nut
Honorary Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2002
- Messages
- 17,651
"The Garage Door"<br /> <br />A little while after my mother was widowed, it became<br />apparent that she was unable to open the garage door<br />by herself. Being the macho man that I am, I've decided<br />to install an automatic door for her. I worked very hard<br />on my project. Very proud of my achievement, I gave the<br />remote control to my mother and said, "Here, Mom, you<br />open it."<br /> <br />After she gingerly pressed the button, the garage door<br />slowly started to move upwards, making the usual chug-<br />chug-chug sound.<br /> <br />All of a sudden, the chugging was interrupted by a loud<br />"Squeal! Yelp! Yelp!!" Bewildered, we looked under the<br />garage door. Standing on its hind legs and frantically<br />waving front paws was the family mutt. My mother tied<br />the poor dog to the garage door's handle.<br /> <br />What happened next was even funnier. Instead of lowering<br />the door, my mother tried to free the almost-hanging pooch<br />from his collar, the remote control firmly clutched in her hand.<br />I was rolling on the grass laughing. I finally wrestled the<br />remote from my mother, lowered the garage door and freed<br />the dog.<br /> <br />Yep, my mother is a natural blonde...<br />_________________________________________________<br />"Cows"<br /> <br />Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that<br />our government can track a cow born in Canada<br />almost three years ago, right to the stall where she<br />sleeps in the state of Washington.<br /> <br />Also, they track her calves to their stalls.<br /> <br />But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens<br />wandering around our country.<br /> <br />The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.<br /> <br />Moooo!<br />_________________________________________________<br />"Gray Hair"<br /> <br />A couple of weeks ago a woman had to share a serious<br />concern with her preschool-aged daughter about gray<br />hair and dying.<br /> <br />The little girl had come to understand that when your<br />hair tuned gray, you would die. This was of particular<br />concern as her Mommy was becoming gray. Mom<br />explained to her daughter that she wasn't going to die<br />and that she got her gray hair from yelling at her kids<br />when they misbehaved. Satisfied with the answer,<br />nothing more was said until a few days later when<br />they made a trip to the doctor for a flu shot.<br /> <br />The family doctor just happened to have very white<br />hair.<br /> <br />The daughter paid very close,<br />wide-eyed attention to the doctor and was behaving just<br />like an angel with no fussing at all when it came time<br />for her shot.<br /> <br />Then, when the doctor left the exam room, she leaned<br />over to her mother and said, "He must yell at his kids<br />a lot!"<br />_________________________________________________<br />"Teacher Titbits"<br /> <br />Teacher: "How do you think Shakespeare wrote such<br />master pieces?"<br />College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B<br />or not 2B."<br /> <br />Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"<br />Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."<br />Teacher : "Use your dad's then."<br />Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."<br /> <br />Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid?<br />Go and say sorry to her."<br />Son : (goes over to the aunt)<br />Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."<br /> <br />"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any<br />brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."<br />"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What<br />did she say when you told her you are the only child?"<br />"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"<br /> <br />Teacher: "Where were you born?"<br />Student: "Singapore, Sir."<br />Teacher: "Which part?"<br />Student: "All of me, Sir."<br /> <br />Teacher: "Chong, you missed school last Friday."<br />Chong: "You're wrong, Sir."<br />Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"<br />Chong: "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
