LadyFish
Admiral
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2003
- Messages
- 6,894
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died<br />peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his<br />car."<br />* Author Unknown<br /><br />2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you<br />get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:<br />"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."<br />* Author Unknown<br /><br />3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?<br />There's a support group for that.<br />It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."<br />* Drew Carey<br /><br />4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a<br />desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with<br />it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."<br />* Jeff Foxworthy<br /><br />5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and<br />we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to<br />leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be<br />severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find<br />you a temp."<br />* Bob Ettinger<br /><br />7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out<br />in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't<br />trying to teach you how to swim.'"<br />* Paula Poundstone<br /><br />8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better<br />verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that<br />study: "Duh."<br />* Conan O'Brien<br /><br />9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway<br />through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a<br />slow learner."<br />* Lynda Montgomery<br /><br />10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of<br />people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime<br />and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.<br />Let's go west.'"<br />* Richard Jeni<br /><br />11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the<br />impersonators would be dead."<br />* Johnny Carson<br /><br />13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,<br />but they turned sixty and that's the law."<br />* Jerry Seinfeld<br /><br />14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in<br />case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from<br />smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people<br />burn slower?"<br />* Warren Hutcherson<br /><br />15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.<br />Monogamy is the same."<br />* Oscar Wilde<br /><br />16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a<br />member of Congress. But I repeat myself."<br />* Mark Twain<br /><br />17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.<br />At least they can find Afghanistan."<br />* A. Whitney Brown<br /><br />18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,<br />and the dog will give you a look that says,<br />'My God, you're right!<br />I never would've thought of that!'"<br />* Dave Barry<br /><br />19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?<br />Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.<br />* Unknown, presumed deceased<br /><br />20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.<br />I believe I'll have another beer."<br />* W. C. Fields<br /> 
