Questions and Answers about Pregnancy<br /><br />Q: Should I have a baby after 35?<br />A: No, 35 children are more than enough.<br /><br />Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?<br />A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.<br /><br />Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or<br />the flu?<br />A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.<br /><br />Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, my rear end, and<br />even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller<br />during pregnancy?<br />A: Yes, your bladder.<br /><br />Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?<br />A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.<br /><br />Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's<br />sex?<br />A: Childbirth.<br /><br />Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile<br />at me. Why?<br />A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.<br /><br />Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that some-<br />times she's borderline irrational.<br />A: So what's your question?<br /><br />Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman<br />and a model?<br />A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's<br />good for him.<br /><br />Q: How long is the average woman in labor?<br />A: Whatever she says divided by two.<br /><br />Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel<br />during labor, but pressure. Is she right?<br />A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an<br />air current.<br /><br />Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?<br />A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.<br /><br />Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room<br />while my wife is in labor?<br />A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.<br /><br />Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?<br />A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the<br />entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.<br /><br />Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from<br />childbirth?<br />A: Yes, pregnancy.<br /><br />Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?<br />A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.<br /><br />Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?<br />A: In your breasts.<br /><br />Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?<br />A: Yes, baby lips.<br /><br />Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?<br />A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her<br />plans to nurse.<br /><br />Q: How does one sanitize nipples?<br />A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them<br />in a saucepan.<br /><br />Q: What are the terrible twos?<br />A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.<br /><br />Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?<br />A: When you see teeth marks.<br /><br />Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?<br />A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.<br /><br />Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to<br />feel and act normal again?<br />A: When the kids are in college.
