WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES <br />North: Chap stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. <br />South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water-proof mascara, and a<br />fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary that's what dates are for. <br /><br />STADIUM SIZE <br />North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. <br />South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000 people. <br /><br />FATHERS <br />North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath <br />South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. <br /><br />CAMPUS DECOR <br />North: Statues of founding fathers. <br />South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. <br /><br />HOMECOMING QUEEN <br />North: Also a physics major. <br />South: Also Miss USA <br /><br />HEROES <br />North: Mario Cuomo <br />South: Paul "Bear" Bryant <br /><br />GETTING TICKETS <br />North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and<br />purchase tickets. <br />South: 5 months before the game walk into the ticket office on campus and<br />put name on waiting list for tickets after you donate $5 K to the Athletic<br />Fund. Unless you are an alumni, you order a year in advance. <br /><br />FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME <br />North: Students and teacher are not sure if they are going to the game,<br />because they have classes on Friday. <br />South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few<br />hung over students that might actually make it to class. <br /><br />PARKING <br />North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game <br />parking. <br />South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the<br />weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday. <br /><br />GAME DAY <br />North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. <br />South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over to<br />where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the<br />idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their<br />campus. <br /><br />TAILGATING <br />North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio<br />station with truck tailgate down. <br />South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking<br />accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come <br />over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. <br /><br />GETTING TO THE STADIUM <br />North: You ask "Where's the stadium?". When you find it, you walk right in. <br />South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the<br />state's third largest city. <br /><br />CONCESSIONS <br />North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. <br />South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it.<br />Filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon. <br /><br />WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED <br />North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. <br />South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. <br /><br />THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE <br />North: Nothing changes. <br />South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon. <br /><br />COMMENTARY (MALE) <br />North: "Nice play." <br />South: "Dammit, you slow sumb_i_t_c_h - tackle him and break his legs!!" <br />COMMENTARY (FEMALE) <br />North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." <br />South: "Dammit, you slow sumb_i_t_c_h - tackle him and break his legs!!" <br /><br />ANNOUNCERS <br />North: Neutral and paid. <br />South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear <br />in his eye because he is so proud of his team. <br /><br />AFTER THE GAME <br />North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. <br />South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. Playing a game of catch as<br />some of the traffic clears out and planning begins for next week's game.
