Twidget
Commander
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2004
- Messages
- 2,192
Nothing like living in the land of the free!!!!???<br />"If Noah had lived in the United States in the year<br />2005 the story may have gone something like this:"<br /><br /> And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year I<br />am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth<br />with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want<br />you to save the righteous people and two of every kind<br />of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding<br />you to build an Ark."<br /><br />In a flash of lighting, God delivered the<br />specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah<br />took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.<br /><br />Remember," said the Lord," you must complete the ARK<br />and bring everything aboard in one year.<br /><br />Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered<br />the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a<br />tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in<br />his front yard weeping.<br /><br />"Noah!" He shouted, " Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please<br />forgive me," cried Noah. " I did my best, but there<br />were big problems.<br /><br />First, I had to get a permit for construction, and<br />your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to<br />hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.<br /><br />Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not<br />the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved<br />floatation devices.<br /><br />Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating<br />zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front<br />yard, so I had to get a variance from the city<br />planning commission.<br /><br />Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,<br />because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect<br />the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US<br />Forest Services that I really needed the wood to save<br />the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't<br />let me take the 2 owls.<br /><br />The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I<br />had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor<br />Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or<br />hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still<br />no owls.<br /><br />When I started rounding up the other animals, an<br />animal rights group sued me. They objected to me<br />taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is<br />pending.<br /><br />Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not<br />complete the Ark without filing an environmental<br />impact statement on your proposed flood. They<br />didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no<br />jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the<br />Universe.<br /><br />Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of<br />the proposed flood plan so I sent them a globe.<br /><br />Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed<br />with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that<br />I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists<br />aboard.<br /><br />The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm<br />building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to<br />avoid paying taxes.<br /><br />I just got a notice from the state that I owe them<br />some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark<br />as a recreational water craft.<br /><br />And finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an<br />injunction against further construction of the ARK,<br />saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is<br />a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional. I<br />really don't think I can finish the Ark for another<br />five or six years.<br /><br />Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to<br />shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced<br />across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean<br />you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"<br /><br />"No," He said sadly, "I don't have to. The government<br />already has."
