my buddy asked my a tough question

[miloman]

my buddy ( no not me) I hope not anyway <br />Here is is dillema in his own words<br />His relationship is going down the tubes as he says<br />he wife wont keep a clean home<br />hes lucky if he gets 1 meal cooked a week(although the kids are feed )<br />sex is non existent<br />he works hard and when he comes home by 9:00 shes on the couch zonked<br />yes he does have 3 kids all under the age of 7 and its tough<br />its all she can muster to say 3 words at night<br />he suggested a counciller but she said she knows the problem he wont help<br />he told me he took 2 weeks and gave it his all helping and there was no change<br />he doesnt want a divorce but and I hate to say because of the kids what do you think he should do

 

[miloman]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

any thoughts on this one

 

[snapperbait]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

Lack of communication? Depression on her part, maybe? Medical problem? Drug/alcohol abuse? I dunno?<br /><br />As a start, counciling would be the first thing they should do... The two of them need to get in the councilers office even if one has to drag the other in there kicking and screaming... <br /><br />The kids are the tuff part of it all... If the kids are old enuff to know there's a problem, then they might need to go see someone as well...

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

Miloman, How are ya doing!<br /><br />So many variables here it would be really hard to give an answer to the problem.<br /><br />A while back I started listening to that Dr. Laura show on the radio. Even though I don't participate in the call in, it has given me new ideas an values in marriage and relationship with children. Her tips and comments have helped me in understanding the priorties in a relationship.<br /><br />Example: I always thought you put your children over the spouse, Wrong! according to DR L you put your spouse first! because without them the children will suffer. All small children need to have both parents in the home. So it is a main priority to keep intrest in each other so the marriage won't fail, and then the children will flurish and be successful later in life. In turn this shows the children how to be successful parents when they get to that age.<br /><br />Just maybe if you can get your friend and his wife to listen to her show, it could open the door for improvement in their relationship.<br /><br />Just a thought, Dr. Laura makes sense to me and plus it is free help........Good luck.....SS

 

[Ross J]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

miloman,<br />Are you close enough to this friend to take the kids off their hands for a few days? Perhaps some quiet time for them would be helpful right now. <br />"...she said she knows the problem he wont help" <br />This suggests there's a bigger issue elsewhere that she feels needs taking care of and the professionals can't help. <br />Is she away from family, perhaps a long way away?<br />Lack of interest in things like cleaning and sex go hand in hand with lack of self esteem - you know the thing, not feeling worth much, lack of pride etc. Lack of esteem is sympotomatic of a huge range of things all the way from childhood problems through to failing to adjust to todays issues as they arrise. Your friends do need help with this one.<br />It could be physical, familial, socioeconomical, marital, personal, sexual, dysfunctional, or financial, to name a few issues.<br />Not much help there but it gives an idea of the broad spectrum that must be assessed with a problem like this.<br />My guess - from what you've written - give them a break, take the kids for a while. Give them the oppurtunity to begin to recognise and repair the relationship.<br />Ross

 

[miloman]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

ross my wife and I spoke about that this evening there is a huge community carnival next weekend and we are going to try and take the kids for a few days

 

[LadyFish]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

I think most women go through this at least once in a relationship. A couple of you here hit the nail on the head chaulking it up to depression. She really should seek counseling. As Ross pointed out the low self esteem issue is a large part of whats going on. But then you have to ask, why does she feel bad about herself.<br /><br />I can tell you that women do get depressed easily. Sometimes it can be caused by something as silly as trying to fit into a bathing suit or a pair of shorts. Other times, it comes from a verbally abusive father. In a relationship with young kids. The demands are great for a mother. It seems like you spend all your time and energy doing for everyone else. Eventually, you give up on everything and everyone. There is a price to pay for not taking enough time for yourself.<br /><br />I hope your friends can work through this. Being married for 27 years myself, I know that this is just a bump in the road.

 

[mattttt25]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

another suggestion- your buddy and his wife need some friends in the same boat. life is rough and we can't do it all alone. if she had a few other girls/guys that stayed home with their kids, they could help each other out. maybe take the kids away for a few hours each week to give her time to do her things (shopping, cleaning, whatever). family is another help- if mom, sis, or cousin could stop by for a few hours each week.<br /><br />i always thought the stay at home moms had it made, didn't have to work like us. but i was totally wrong!!!!!! with a six-month old, my girl works more in one day than i do in a week! i have it easy being able to go to work each day from 0600 - 1700.

 

[plywoody]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

It takes a village, huh Mattt?<br />You're coming around--slowly perhaps, but there is progress!

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

Milo,<br /><br />I might have something that may help. E-mail me at:<br /><br />toy4runr@mchsi.com<br /><br />If you agree, I will send you what I have and you can pass it along.

 

[Ross J]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

Miloman,<br />How'd things go with the kids?<br />Ross

 

[Carphunter]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

What works for me is a good smacking............but for some reason its always me that gets smacked.......thats wierd. <br />Let me say I am kidding before I really stir up some trouble.<br /><br />I have been married for 14 years now, and the wife and I set aside some time to spend with each other.<br />My wife and kids are equally important to me, and you need to set aside time spent with them equally. I have seen many people drift apart after their kids were born because all of their time was dedicated to the kids. Can't forget your spouse after the kids are born. <br />I think all the married guys will agree that it takes effort to make a marriage work well,.....and thats a good thing.

 

[miloman]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

an update we took their kids with us for the day sunday to give them some personal tim ewhen we returned the kids they told us they are ending it we urged them to see their priest or a counceller they said maybe will let you know I did pass some of the remarks on

 

[Ross J]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

Miloman, I'm very sorry to hear that news. <br />However that said, you've done a great thing by giving them a chance to have a break for the day. That makes you a most valuable person in my book. Well done.It's good to hear that folk still give a damn these days.<br />I can only hope the kids do OK.<br />Ross

 

[Tacklewasher]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

One thing struck me in your question.<br /><br />"he works hard and when he comes home by 9:00 shes on the couch zonked"<br /><br />Maybe he needs to focus less on work and more on his family. He's probably working hard "for them" not realizing that he needs to be with them.<br /><br />Just a thought.

 

[Boatsrule]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

I have to agree with Tacklewasher, the same thing popped out when I read this. <br /><br />It is only a job! If his marriage is as important to him as it sounds then by all means CUT BACK. I have seen so many marriages fail because, Quote "HE IS NEVER HOME"...bla bla bla. It happens all the time lack of communication.<br /><br />They need to seek help, fast. SHE said, HE would not help. Have your friend find a woman councilor, good chances his wife will agree to go. I would rather go see a woman, they know how women work much better then a Man. No matter how well educated<br /><br />Good luck.

 

[SeaMasterZ@aol.com]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

maybe she needs to get a clue that hes doing it for THEM and not him, like that song, work a forty hour week for a living, just to send it on down the line<br /><br />also<br /><br />maybe a trip to a fantasy themed hotel as a weekend getaway, and just cut loose, be adventurous - dollar stores are wonderful places full of faux handcuffs, and interesting implements of destruction ... playful destruction now, feather dusters, paddle boards, ropes, etc etc - there are also ceramics of interesting shapes and sizes, eh, just a thought<br /><br />Large amd In Charge<br /><br />they like it like that!<br /><br />then clean the bathroom, lol, they like to get to be Queen for a Day as well

 

[Scoop]

Re: my buddy asked my a tough question

This is common. Maybe not to this extreme, but she is definitely feeling unappreciated. Unfortunately it has gone this far. As a man, I can understand how your feels about working so hard for his family. That is the thing he gives to the family. Unfortunately, women don't think that way. I was lucky. When I was working crazy hours, my wife sat me down and told me what she thought was most important. That was time spent with the family. It is something you can never get back. I made a committment then to work a lot less hours.<br /><br />At this point, I don't think that him working lesss hours will help the whole situation. It has gone too far. They need to talk and hopefully to a professional counsellor.