JoeW
Senior Chief Petty Officer
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2003
- Messages
- 664
Having kids can only be a pleasant, but disturbing experience. I hope this wont happen to you<br /><br />NUDITY <br />---------------------------<br />I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! <br /><br />As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" <br /><br />HONESTY <br />-------------------<br />My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. <br /><br />Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out, too, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." <br /><br />OPINIONS <br />------------------<br />On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." <br /><br />KETCHUP <br />------------------<br />A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old <br />daughter to answer the phone. <br /><br />"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." <br /><br />MORE NUDITY <br />---------------------------<br />A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, <br />with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. <br /><br />The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" <br /><br />POLICE # 1 <br />---------------------<br />While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and <br />down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" <br /><br />"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. <br /><br />"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" <br /><br />"Yes, that's right," I told her. <br /><br />"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" <br /><br />POLICE # 2 <br />-------------------<br />It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, <br />and I saw a little boy staring in at me. <br /><br />"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. <br /><br />"It sure is," I replied. <br /><br />Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. <br /><br />Finally he said, "What did he do?" <br /><br />ELDERLY <br />------------------<br />While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. <br />She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. <br /><br />One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" <br /><br />DRESS-UP <br />---------------------<br />A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." <br /><br />"And why not, darling?" <br /><br />"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." <br /><br />DEATH <br />---------------<br />While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. <br /><br />Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a <br />small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. <br /><br />The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: <br /><br />"Glory be unto the Faaaather, <br />and unto the Sonnn ..... <br />and into the hole he gooooes." <br /><br />SCHOOL <br />----------------<br />A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" <br /><br />BIBLE <br />-----------<br />A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. <br /><br />Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. <br /><br />"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. <br /><br />"What have you got there, dear?" <br /><br />With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
