FLATHEAD
Captain
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2002
- Messages
- 3,066
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no<br />longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and<br />South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on<br />Christmas Eve.<br /> <br />Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my<br />contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves<br />Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get<br />longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.<br /> <br />However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands<br />with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,<br />Bubba Claus.<br /> <br />His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my<br />goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,<br />there are a few differences between us.<br /> <br />Differences such as:<br /> <br />1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from<br />Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper<br />sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."<br /> <br />2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that<br />children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the<br />fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little<br />snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.<br /> <br />3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon<br />dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a<br />couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks<br />Bubba's fireplace.<br /> <br />4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and<br />Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,<br />"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."<br /> <br />5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are<br />likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"<br /> <br />6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh<br />does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the<br />words "Back Off."<br /> <br />7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th<br />Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your<br />negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves<br />Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt<br />Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing<br />into each other.<br /> <br />And Finally,<br /> <br />8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure<br />you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends<br />over to put presents under the tree.<br /> <br />Sincerely Yours,<br /> <br />Santa Claus
