snapperbait
Vice Admiral
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2002
- Messages
- 5,754
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.<br />2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.<br /><br />3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.<br /><br />4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.<br /><br />5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.<br /><br />DINING OUT<br /><br />1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.<br /><br />2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.<br /><br />ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME<br /><br />1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.<br /><br />2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.<br /><br />PERSONAL HYGIENE<br /><br />1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.<br /><br />2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.<br /><br />3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.<br /><br />DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)<br /><br />1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.<br /><br />2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.<br /><br />3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.<br /><br />THEATER ETIQUETTE<br /><br />1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.<br /><br />2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.<br /><br />WEDDINGS<br /><br />1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.<br /><br />2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.<br /><br />3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.<br /><br />4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.<br /><br />DRIVING ETIQUETTE<br /><br />1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.<br /><br />2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.<br /><br />3. Never tow another car using ***** hose and duct tape.<br /><br />4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.<br /><br />5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
