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Cadet
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2003
- Messages
- 28
Subject: How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq<br /><br />1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.<br /><br />2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.<br /><br />3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip<br />open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry,<br />wrong cot."<br /><br />4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the<br />middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level.<br />Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the<br />toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three<br />sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For<br />a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and<br />use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.<br /><br />5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.<br /><br />6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair<br />and dump dirt on your head.<br /><br />7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on<br />"HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.<br /><br />8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have<br />your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.<br /><br />9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for<br />proper noise level.<br /><br />10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.<br /><br />11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making<br />sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.<br />Laugh at him when he curses you.<br /><br />12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up<br />garbage in the other side of your bathtub.<br /><br />13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly<br />sandwich on a saltine cracker.<br /><br />14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in<br />your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an<br />unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.<br /><br />15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.<br />When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you<br />can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and<br />breaking out the garden hose.<br /><br />16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put<br />it back together again.<br /><br />17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six<br />hours before drinking.<br /><br />18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their<br />strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.<br />Exchange clothes with them.<br /><br />19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee<br />table and lie under it to read books.<br /><br />20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back<br />doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the<br />sill every time you pass through one of them.<br /><br />21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the<br />bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.<br /><br />22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case."<br />Every time.<br /><br />23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to<br />you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then<br />say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."<br /><br />24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean<br />clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the<br />garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without<br />ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional<br />meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or<br />smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.<br /><br />25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily<br />armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent<br />in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help<br />them.<br /><br />26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for<br />Malaria.<br /><br />27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a<br />morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.<br /><br />28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper<br />ambiance.<br /><br />29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and<br />fragmentation.<br /><br />30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and<br />culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before<br />proceeding.<br /><br />31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00<br />AM. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just<br />registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable<br />substitute for their shattered windows.<br /><br />32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.<br /><br />33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.<br /><br />34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel<br />you placed outside the front door before they come in.<br /><br />35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover<br />in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and<br />make them rebuild it.<br /><br />36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.<br /><br />37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the<br />exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web<br />page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the<br />paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son<br />the gum.<br /><br />38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and<br />shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back<br />yard.<br /><br />39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your<br />family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can<br />perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell<br />them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.<br /><br />40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order<br />yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the<br />next deployment you've been ordered to support.<br /><br />By the way thank yall for the kind support. Popuptarget