Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.<br /> 
<br />Marriage changes passion. <br />Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.<br /> <br />I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. <br />So I said "Implants?" She hit me.<br /> <br />How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?<br /> <br />A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"<br /> <br />I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!<br /> <br />When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."<br /> <br />Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.<br /> <br />Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!<br /> <br />Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?<br /> <br />Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.<br /> <br />Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?<br /> <br />Bumper sticker of the year: <br />"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
<br />Marriage changes passion. <br />Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.<br /> <br />I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. <br />So I said "Implants?" She hit me.<br /> <br />How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?<br /> <br />A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"<br /> <br />I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!<br /> <br />When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."<br /> <br />Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.<br /> <br />Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!<br /> <br />Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?<br /> <br />Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.<br /> <br />Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?<br /> <br />Bumper sticker of the year: <br />"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
