Subject: Stupid people in Fort Wayne?<br /><br /><br />Men's Health Magazine<br /><br />Dear Editor:<br /><br />Upon finding ourselves listed in your magazine as the Dumbest City in the <br />Nation, we of the Allen Business Exchange, a group of "stupid" business <br />people in Fort Wayne, Indiana, decided to help you clear your offices and <br />homes of all those pesky products that were invented in Fort Wayne. By <br />return mail, or even fax, (if you haven't already unplugged it to ship back <br />to us) please advise us of a convenient pick up date for the following <br />items:<br /><br />-- All your television sets-born in Fort Wayne, Indiana.<br /><br />-- Your turntables, used to be called phonographs, morphed into turntables.<br /><br />-- Every fax machine you own or lease; we even want the broken one in the <br />storage room. You may be able to find a repairman, and that wouldn't be <br />fair.<br /><br />-- Hand over your hand-held calculators, the inventor never meant to be <br />ridiculed, so figure it out for yourself.<br /><br />-- Get the screwdriver out and remove your garbage disposal. Once called <br />Bill Morrill's electric pig, the garbage disposal certainly helps you in the <br />kitchen, but it looks like life is going to get a bit tougher for you <br />anyway. You can handle it.<br /><br />-- And while we are working in the kitchen, dig out those three cans of <br />baking powder. Biscuits just won't be quite so fluffy and tasty, but you'll <br />survive.<br /><br />-- Before we leave the kitchen, clean out your refrigerators and freezers <br />for shipping. They too were invented in Fort Wayne.<br /><br />-- While we are cleaning up, we will take all your washing machines. Our <br />Horton Washing Machine Company invented, produced and sold the first <br />self-contained cleaning appliance, which nicely replaced the corrugated <br />washboard. We may be able to find three or four of those washboards in our <br />antique shops, so you won't have to be without clean clothes. Where shall <br />we drop-ship them?<br /><br />-- Now, let's see all the products you have with magnet wire in them. Yes, <br />we're the world's magnet wire capitol. Invented here, manufactured here. <br />We'll need you to box up your computers, radios, and the engines and motors <br />of your automobiles, SUVs, airplanes, boats, even your hearing aids. Next <br />we'll take the wiring harness from your vehicles, as well as all the motors <br />in your electrical appliances.<br /><br />-- Oh, yes, we need your Public Address System-magnet wire you know. It's <br />just everywhere nowadays.<br /><br />-- Carefully pack all your hi-fi equipment, now known as stereo, plus all <br />the transistor radios, TVs, and watches. Ask your parents how to wind a <br />wristwatch, because we are hauling away all those nifty little self winding <br />jobs.<br /><br />-- It won't bother you so much to give up your automobiles when you learn <br />that you can no longer fuel them easily. We are taking all your gasoline <br />pumps. They too were invented here.<br /><br />-- Oh-almost forgot, those kiddy cars that are battery operated. Crate them <br />up too. No Slattery's Battery for you! Entertainment has always been big <br />here. So get all your juke boxes packed up, and all your video games, all <br />copy cats of our original Pac-Man.<br /><br />-- Now we want the lights from the tops of your tall towers.....the ones <br />that notify the maintenance group and the FAA when they burn out. Of course <br />you won't even hear about the new Zoom product that feeds information about <br />traffic hazards and road conditions to the GPS system, that is another <br />story.....you'll have to read about it in the newspaper, as soon as the pony <br />express gets your edition to you, that is.<br /><br />-- How soon can you get solar powered lighting for your city? Yes, <br />municipal lighting systems were invented here, and the first night baseball <br />game was held here, too. Give up your night time sports? Uh-huh. We will <br />just make a clean sweep of it.<br /><br />Well, thanks for all the goodies. Send a messenger down to let us know when <br />you have reinvented all the items you no longer have available, and we'll <br />see if we can find someone to get you back into the current century, <br />whenever that may be. Oh! And if this is what "stupid" people can invent, <br />imagine what all of you "smart" people are capable of!<br /><br />All in the spirit of great fun,<br /><br />Carolyn DeVoe, Vice President<br /><br />Allen Business Exchange<br />Fort Wayne, Indiana
