Dear Friends, <br />My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story <br />chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes. <br />Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. <br />What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed <br />assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, <br />goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've <br />never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing <br />out--way too cool! <br />Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two <br />triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was <br />so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' <br />directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would <br />not create an arc between the prongs. <br />How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed <br />the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get <br />the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that <br />I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of <br />electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee . . I'm easily amused, just for <br />your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is <br />on the face of her microwave. <br />Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it <br />couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. <br />There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting <br />little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and <br />thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood <br />target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a <br />second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. <br />But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against <br />a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. <br />Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the <br />time. <br />So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses <br />perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer <br />in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and <br />disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle <br />spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would <br />purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of <br />water. <br />All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, <br />less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with <br />two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' <br />way!" <br />Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. <br />What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. <br />Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what <br />followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked <br />to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second <br />burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, <br />rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided <br />to give myself one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, <br />a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious <br />that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right <br />at the time. Don't ya hate that?) <br />I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY <br />**************! <br />DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the <br />front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the <br />carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the <br />fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking <br />wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie <br />was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, <br />licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it <br />again!" <br />(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note <br />of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap <br />yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged <br />from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're <br />lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like <br />yours truly.) <br />SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time <br />was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I <br />had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on <br />the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right <br />thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been <br />shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an <br />ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. <br />By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm <br />offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome <br />if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
