Cristmas in tha hood

[Kenneth Brown]

Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood <br />Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good <br />The tube socks was hung on the window sill <br />and we all had smiles up on our grill <br /><br />Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib <br />in the back bedroom cuz that's how we live <br />and moms in her do-rag and me with my nine <br />had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine <br /><br />All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by <br />Bumpin phat beats cuz the system's fly <br />I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' <br />Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's-- <br />well anyway <br /><br />I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! <br />She said, Stop frontin just mind yo' bidness <br />I said, for real doe, come check dis out <br />We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt <br /><br />Cuz bumpin an thumpin' from around da way <br />Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh <br />Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat <br />I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that! <br /><br />He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, <br />"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise! <br />To the top of the projects and across the strip mall, <br />We gots ta go, I got a %%%%%% call!" <br /><br />He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof <br />and sippin on a 40, he busted a move <br />I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" <br />he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack! <br /><br />But don't worry jack, cuz I gots da skillz <br />I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz." <br />Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings <br />a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. <br /><br />He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat <br />and busted the window with a b-ball bat <br />I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" <br />he said,"You best get on up outta my face!" <br /><br />His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold <br />His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old <br />He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side <br />Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide. <br /><br />A wink of his eye and a shine off his god toof <br />He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof <br />He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome <br />To see his wife waitin' at home <br /><br />and all I heard as he cruised outta sight <br />was a loud and hearty..... <br />"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Cristmas in tha hood

'Twas the night before Christmas, and I<br />couldn't sleep.<br />My sister was snoring too loudly--the<br />creep!<br />So in my nightie, with socks on my feet,<br />Skipped out to the kitchen to see what<br />was to eat.<br /><br /><br />I was stuffing down cookies when I heard<br />someone humming<br />The theme song from STAR WARS--someone<br />was coming!<br />Then from the chimney, I heard a loud<br />crash,<br />And out of the fireplace fell a girl<br />(and some ash).<br /><br /><br />"Oh, hi," she said calmly, dripping snow<br />water,<br />"I'm Holly St. Nicholas--Santa's<br />granddaughter."<br />She was dressed in old jeans and had<br />curly red hair,<br />And her coat that read "North Pole is<br />Cool" had a tear.<br /><br /><br />"Where's Santa?" I asked. "I hope he's<br />all right."<br />"Oh, yes," Holly said. "He's on TV<br /><br /><br />tonight!<br />Johnny Carson asked gramps to guest-host<br />his show.<br />He needed exposure. He needed the dough.<br /><br /><br />His income from visiting stores wasn't<br />good,<br />So he acquired an agent. He's gone<br />Hollywood!<br />He's in CHRISTMAS LAGOON--co-starring<br />Brooke Shields,<br />Next is SMOKEY AND SANTA with cute Sally<br />Field."<br /><br /><br />Then Holly Claus groaned as she looked<br />in her sack.<br />"This bag is no feather--my poor aching<br />back!"<br />"Some oranges and walnuts," I cried. "Is<br />that IT?"<br />She shrugged and said, "Yep. Inflation<br />has hit."<br /><br /><br />The she looked at her watch and said,<br />"Oh, no! I'm late.<br />I must be in Oshkosh at twelve<br />fifty-eight."<br />I looked at the reindeer. "Are these the<br />well-known?"<br />Holly said, "No--they have careers of<br />their own."<br /><br /><br />"Comet and Cupid dance on Lawrence Welk.<br />Dasher's in nature films, passing off as<br />an elk.<br />Fly! is a rock group with Prance, Dance,<br />and Vixen.<br />Donner does nightclubs with impressions<br />of Nixon.<br /><br /><br />"I've named them these nice new ones<br />after my favorite men!"<br />She sprang to her sleigh. "Time to call<br />them again!<br />On Redford, Travolta, and B. Manilow!<br />On Pacino,DeNiro, and John McEnroe!<br /><br /><br />"To the corner split-level, to the new<br />shopping mall!<br /><br /><br />Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"<br />Then I heard her exclaim as she lurched<br />out of sight,<br />"Merry Christmas to all and to all a<br />good night!"

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Cristmas in tha hood

DA NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN POLAND<br /><br />'Twas the night before Christmas in my Polish house<br />I creep down the stairs just as quiet as a mouse.<br />Da rest of my family, they are asleep<br />With visions of mushrooms thru their heads creep.<br /><br /><br />Da work shoes are hung by da chimney with care<br />In hopes that St. Stasz will soon fill them there.<br />While over in the corner is silly to see<br />Kielbasa and cabbages hanging from the tree.<br /><br /><br />Then there's this big bang and the house starts to shudder<br /><br /><br />Some nut lands on da roof and breaks da rain gutter.<br />He starts down da chimney, swears cause it's tight<br />I hide behind beer cases, way out of sight.<br /><br /><br />He lands in the fireplace, scorching his hair<br />On the busted up orange crate burning there.<br />He climbs out - I peak - and get a big look<br />He's just like da picture in my Polish book.<br /><br /><br />He's got vodka glazed eyes and stomach like a bubble<br />A five day beard, there's soot on the stubble.<br />And he's lost all da buttons of his old mackinaw<br />And he wears the biggest tennis shoes I ever saw.<br /><br /><br />This Polish Santa; I know without fear<br />'Cause he heads for da kitchen and opens a beer.<br />When he finished a six pack, he gave a big smirk<br />Reaches in a potato sack and goes to work.<br /><br /><br />Now under da tree he starts to set<br />Da most beautiful presents a Pollack can get.<br />There's a new mushroom basket and a shovel for brother<br />A bright red bubushka and a pick axe for mother.<br /><br /><br />I must see him leave, so I rushes outside<br />And looks up da roof while in bushes I hide.<br />And what do I see thru da twigs<br />But his old wooden garbage cart pulled by eight pigs.<br /><br /><br />Polish Sants jumps in and gives them all hell<br />"Come on youse pigs, don't just stand there and smell".<br />"On Stella, on Walter, on Stanley, and Joe,<br />And all youse others, whose names I don't know."<br /><br /><br />"Fly over da junk yard and over to da right,<br />Let's visit all peoples before I get tight."<br /><br /><br />Then I hear him say as he flew over me,<br />"I'm the only Pollack that gives things for free."

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Cristmas in tha hood

THE SYSOP'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS<br /><br />'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house<br />Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse.<br />The modem was plugged to the phone line with care<br />In hopes that a download soon would be there.<br /><br /><br />Our pirates were nestled all snug in their beds<br />While visions of unprotects danced in their heads.<br />And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap<br />Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.<br /><br /><br />When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,<br />I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.<br />Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,<br />Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.<br /><br /><br />The sight on the screen, all a'flicker with snow,<br />Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.<br />When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,<br />But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather *****.<br /><br /><br />With a little print driver so lively and quick,<br />I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick.<br />More rapid than eagles the cursors they came;<br />My MIDI whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!<br /><br /><br />"Now Format, now Rename, now Copy, and Enter!<br />On Num Lock, on Caps Lock, on Scroll Lock, and Printer!<br /><br /><br />"To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,<br />Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block!"<br /><br /><br />As utilities that build up the CPU speed<br />Clash with just the programs I need,<br />So up to the screen top the cursors they flew,<br />With a RAM full of memory and an expansion board too.<br /><br /><br />And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,<br />The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.<br />As I tried to reboot and turn it around,<br />The attributes changed from blue into brown.<br /><br /><br />I hit the control, the alt, and delete.<br />The screen message it gave me, I cannot repeat.<br />It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort.<br />It told me the parallel had become the comm port.<br /><br /><br />Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry,<br />Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries.<br />It sounded just like it wanted to blow;<br />The screen was suddenly white as the snow.<br /><br /><br />It scrolled its directory before my eyes<br />With programs I didn't even recognize.<br />It wouldn't see D:, it wouldn't see E:;<br />I couldn't get out of B: into C:.<br /><br /><br />Norton's tried to read it, finally finding the FAT;<br />But alas! The disk was faulty, and couldn't reformat.<br />Away flew the DBase; away flew the DOS-es;<br />Away flew the WordStar; right out with the Windows.<br /><br /><br />The spreadsheets were spreading; the footers were headings;<br />What once had been memory was close to forgetting.<br />When the grinding was over and the smoke had all cleared,<br />I looked at the hard drive; it was just as I feared.<br /><br /><br />The 600 meg wonder had crashed in the night;<br />I'll never be able to block out that sight!<br />So tell everyone you know to avoid my plight;<br />Back up your files! Merry Christmas! Good Night!

 

[Kenneth Brown]

Re: Cristmas in tha hood

Leave it to tha nut to outdo me. Good ones SBN

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Cristmas in tha hood

Originally posted by Kenneth Brown:<br /> Leave it to tha nut to outdo me. Good ones SBN

Not trying to outdo you my friend, just adding to it is all.