Re: Chilly outside, means Chili inside.
Here a good one on the subject of chili.<br /><br />Texas Chili Contest- If you read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.<br />Note
lease take your time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.<br /><br />For those who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the Holloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.<br /><br />The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visting from Springfield, IL.<br /><br />Frank: "recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili Cook-off. The oringal person calledin sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. The other two judges (Native Texans)assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, they told me I could have free beer during tasting, so I accepted.<br /><br />Here are the scorecards from the advent: Frank is judge #3<br /><br />Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...<br /><br />Judge #1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.<br />Judge #2-- Nice, smooth tomatoe flavor. Very mild<br />Judge #3-- Holy (beep), what the (beep)is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that was the worst one. These Texans are crazy.<br /><br />Chili #2 Austin's Afterbuner Chili...<br /><br />Judge #1-- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.<br />Judge #2-- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken serious.<br />Judge #3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two poeple wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Thay had to rushin more beer when they saw the look on my face<br /><br />Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili..<br /><br />Judge #1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.<br />Judge #2-- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.<br />Judge #3-- CAll the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in in the front part of my chest. I'm getting (beep)-facedfrom all the beer...<br /><br />Chili #4 Dave's Black Majic..<br /><br />Judge #1-- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing<br />Judge #2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..<br />Judge #3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear wasted I'm eating! is this chili an aphrodisac?<br /><br />Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lips Remover...<br /><br />Judge #1-- Meaty, storng chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.<br />Judge #2-- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoe. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statment.<br />Judge #3-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted andfour people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really (beep) me off that the other other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.<br /><br />Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...<br /><br />Judge #1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian varity chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.<br />Judge #2-- the best yet. Aggressive use peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.<br />Judge #3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.I (beep) on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my (beep) with a snow cone.<br /><br />Chili #7 Carla's screeming Sensation Chili...<br /><br />Judge #1 Amediocre chili with too much relianceon canned peppers.<br />Judge #2 Ho Hum, Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.<br />Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pantsare full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.<br /><br />Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...<br /><br />Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.<br />Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
