A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some a$$hole's got my pen." <br /><br /><br />Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."<br /><br />The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.<br /><br />I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But ...thank God, I still have my driver's license!<br /><br /><br />A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"<br /><br /><br />An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart "Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."<br /><br />Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mable: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
<br /><br />Two admin types were hard at it on an extremely busy day ... phones ringing off the hook, mountains of both typing and filing, managers constantly making immediate demands .. no time for a coffee break, let alone a lunch.<br /><br />One finally says: "You just have to handle this for a few minutes while I run to the rest room" and hurries out.<br /><br />Back only a few minutes later, her mate notices something peculiar and asks, "Why do you have a tampon behind your ear?".<br /><br />"Omigod!! Where is my pencil?"
