Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

[Mark42]

A few weeks ago while driving home from work the cell phone rings and I don't recognize the number. But I answer it anyway. Some guy is really upset and going on about how he can't take the stress any more. He is so distraught he is not even listening to me tell him he has a wrong number. For some reason I just listen until he calm down, and and asked him what was wrong.

He is an older guy with a wife who suffers from Schizophrenia, and its putting him over the edge trying to manage her. As he put it, he should have had her committed years ago, but he can't bring himself to do it. So he comes home from work to find all the cabinets in the kitchen dumped on the floor because she thinks there is a bug in the kitchen. Broken dishes and glasses all over the floor. He has to do laundry, food shopping, everything, and he can't even afford a car, so he takes mass transit or a cab. His wife does strange things, and often walks out of the house in the cold with little or no cloths on, and he has to go find her.

His house is a wreck from her, its in bad need of maintenance from 15 or so years of neglect because he spends all his money on medications and doctors, ambulance rides, etc. Police often bring his wife home or to a institution, then he gets a few days relief before bringing her home.

I asked why not have her comited, and he said he just loves her too much. She is all he has. No kids, no family.

After talking to the guy, I realized he has all the social service connections, he has support groups, but just wanted to unload on someone. So I listened.

He has called three times since then, giving me updates. I listened to two messages he left, it would bring you to tears to hear them. Things are bad, and getting worse.

Not sure what, if anything I should do for this complete stranger. He really needs some help.

 

[kend301]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I would do a reverse search on the phone number ,Find out where he is from, answer his next call find out what support group he attends and contact them . Tell them how he is attempting to reach out and see if they can deal with it .

 

[jonesg]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I asked why not have her comited, and he said he just loves her too much. She is all he has. No kids, no family.

If "love" was the defining motivation he would place her where she would get better care.

He's focused on what he wants, not what he can give...or what she needs.

Ask him what is planning to do when she dies, put her in the freezer?
Or finally let go. eh?

Real eyes realize real lies.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Mark, you've done a boatload by just listening. Sometimes, thats the best cure for depression and feeling alone.

I agree she does need professional help but he can't afford to put her in a home by what you've said. She would be put in a State facility which is not a very nice option when its the love of your life IMO.

He is in a bad situation and its really unfortunate that he has no support from close friends or family.

Its a very sad situation.

 

[ftl900]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Many people misunderstand their own feelings. His issue is that he will miss her, but she will be better off someplace with 24 hour, around the clock supervision- something he cannot provide.

Beyond that, once she is gone- either placed elsewhere, or GONE, he will have a void in his life and no sense of purpose.

Serious counseling is needed, and help from outside agencies. Cases like this are never easy, and never simple, but he's taken on way more than any one person can manage. At a facility, there are 3 shifts of people to manage care. He's trying to do it all alone, plus working, plus sleeping, and then pick up after her and normal chores.

I'm glad he's had someone to talk to. I can't help but wonder who he thought he was calling the first time...

 

[JustJason]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Eagh.... You can lead a horse to water.......

 

[FBPirate95]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

He definately bound up by his love for his wife and not what is healthiest for the both of them. If she is that bad, he doesn't have the capacity to handle her and care for her 24-7. She is and can be a danger to herself and others. Also, he needs to consider his health. It is proven fact that negative emotional influences in your life take away from your own personal health. Its amazing how much psychology can effect your general health when you don't even know it. Point these things out to him. If he fails to see it, you will have no choice but to cut off contact with him for fear his issues become your issues. It sounds cold, but you have to look out for yourself too.

 

[Fly Rod]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Be careful, he may be setting you up for some monies.

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Yeah it sounds a little spooky to me.

 

[Mark42]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I may send him a message asking that he not call anymore, or just tell him next time he calls. There are enough social services, church groups, etc to help him, I don't want him to become dependent on me. And money is out of the question.

It is a sad state of affairs, but I have enough stuff of my own to deal with. I have to draw the line somewhere.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Be careful, he may be setting you up for some monies.

I thought of that too.....

Okay, I have been down that road. I lost my first wife to MS after 15 years of a horrible illness. I understand the guys story. I came away from the illness with a great understanding of what a caregiver goes through as well as the hospice route. I do not wish those experiences on anyone.

I have learned a few things.

Depression sucks.

The Disease consumes the caregiver. 95% of the time anyone who has a conversation with a primary caregiver (the husband) ....the conversation is based on how the sick person is doing. This causes angst in the caregiver because even when they are not in front of the sick wife that disease is in the front of their mind and EVERY discussion they have. There is no break and it is relentless.

The sick person (the wife) will mentally pound the hell out of the primary caregiver and give that person the most grief. My wife would compare me to everyone and tell them I was the worst and tell me I should be more like so and so..... It was a bad situation. The person who gives the most attention is the one who is at a loss.

What that guy (the husband) needs is not support groups but a vacation both mental and physical. Sadly, that vacation can never be scheduled when a loved one is involved.

The husband will feel guilty and start to blame himself.

Mark, just be cautious. Sounds as if this guy needs to vent (and his current family and friends are tired of it) to get a mental vacation. Listen and also very important...... get the guy to talk about himself and his hobbies to get his mind off the troubled for a few minutes.

I have dealt with many people in these situations and often will lend my advice and support.

 

[bkwapisz]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I have a good number of geriatric dental patients in my practice and I have seen many pass on. I have devised my own diagnosis for the sequelae of what Bob was talking about. I call it "Caregiver Syndrome." Basically two great people present, looking and feeling their best. After a while, one becomes ill and the spouse dutifully begins the task of caregiving. Over the next couple of years, the caregiving spouse spends 100% of their energy focussed on the other and their health begins to fail themselves. Many times it ends up with both passing away. Very sad, and I give daily warnings and support to those who are about to embark on the caregiver route.

Bob, you have all my respect here as someone who went through that for 15 years. Bravo.

Anyway, to the OP, be careful how much you get involved. It's great to lend an ear to someone who needs it, just be sure you don't get embroiled too much psychologically in someone else's troubles. It's very big of you to step up and listen like you have. I'd have probably hung up on him.

Brian.

 

[JB]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

My older brother's wife had multiple personality disorder, brought on by post partum psychosis. He had child care responsibilities as well as caregiver duties to her. She was a part time saint and part time trashy honkytonk tart with a garbage mouth

She spent long periods in hospitals, after each of her 4 children. One of her personalities once attacked him with a butcher knife.

I haven't a clue where he found the strength to persevere, but he did. . .for over 40 years. . .until her heart took her home.

I admire him more than I can say.

 

[kenmyfam]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

If all you are doing is listening then I think he must feel better after the calls. If it get's over frequent then you may have to cut him short. If the conversation ever turns to money then hang up. Right now you are a shoulder for him.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Beyond that, once she is gone- either placed elsewhere, or GONE, he will have a void in his life and no sense of purpose.

:

That happens all the time , that it almost passes for normal.

There is a unique shaped hole in every soul that cannot be filled by people , power, money or anything else that we can touch, smell, see, hear or sense in any objective manner.

Thats what he's run into, the result of making someone fallible his higher power.

I made that mistake myself and when my partner of 20 yrs died I fell apart, the wheels completely fell off. I came to learn I don't need someone to make me complete and we're never alone.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I have a good number of geriatric dental patients in my practice and I have seen many pass on. I have devised my own diagnosis for the sequelae of what Bob was talking about. I call it "Caregiver Syndrome." Basically two great people present, looking and feeling their best. After a while, one becomes ill and the spouse dutifully begins the task of caregiving. Over the next couple of years, the caregiving spouse spends 100% of their energy focussed on the other and their health begins to fail themselves. Many times it ends up with both passing away. Very sad, and I give daily warnings and support to those who are about to embark on the caregiver route.

Bob, you have all my respect here as someone who went through that for 15 years. Bravo.

Anyway, to the OP, be careful how much you get involved. It's great to lend an ear to someone who needs it, just be sure you don't get embroiled too much psychologically in someone else's troubles. It's very big of you to step up and listen like you have. I'd have probably hung up on him.

Brian.

Caregiver syndrome, aka enabling.
It makes both parties very sick as you state .

I wouldn't hang up, I'd tell them the truth, he wouldn't call back unless he could digest and accept it. Then we'd have somewhere to start.

 

[jonesg]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Anyone see the movie " A beautiful mind" with Russel Crow playing the genius John Nash? He is diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Something about the movie caught my attention.

Then I saw a BBC documentry about the 4 greatest mathematicians who all worked on the same problem, the continuum hypothesis.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw-zNRNcF90

Nash also played with it and became ensnared.

The first 4 all went mad and died in sanitoriums or commited suicide.
They were Georg Kantor, Boltzman, Turing and Godel.
The continuum hypothesis is a fancy term for trying to wrap ones mind around God. Its called mathematical theology. They all suffered schizophrenic breaks with reality.

But Nash recovered..without medication or the help of science.
The movie doesn't touch on how he actually did it but I did a bit of internet research and found he decided to investigate God.

My own conclusion is we don't know squat but we can know truth.

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Edit.

 

[DECK SWABBER 58]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

I thought of that too.....

I came away from the illness with a great understanding of what a caregiver goes through as well as the hospice route. I do not wish those experiences on anyone.

The Disease consumes the caregiver. There is no break and it is relentless.

The person who gives the most attention is the one who is at a loss.

What that guy (the husband) needs is not support groups but a vacation both mental and physical. Sadly, that vacation can never be scheduled when a loved one is involved.

I have dealt with many people in these situations and often will lend my advice and support.

Ohhh Boy, things are heavy here tonight.

Like Bob said, if YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT
you will help. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
If you don't know what this means then stay away.
"Someone" will come to his aid, (I hope and pray).

 

[marlboro180]

Re: Sorry, but you have a wrong number....

Ohhh Boy, things are heavy here tonight.

Like Bob said, if YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT
you will help. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
If you don't know what this means then stay away.
"Someone" will come to his aid, (I hope and pray).

Cant add much more. ...