Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Allegedly based on a true story

Scientists at NASA built a device to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, the space shuttle, etc. The idea being to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.

When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked... the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment.....

British engineers heard about the device and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a device was sent to the British engineers.

When device was fired, the British engineers were shocked? the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer?s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: ?Defrost the chicken?.

 

[RGrew176]

As most Silver Surfers know – and the rest will soon discover – sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Danny, the 12 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Danny clicked a couple of keys and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’

He replied, ‘It was just a simple ‘ID ten T’.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired.

‘An “ID ten T”??? What’s that? In case I ever need to fix it again.’

Danny grinned wide…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Danny.

 

[RGrew176]

A science teacher asked her students ?Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?

One boy said, ?I would choose gold. It?s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.?

Another boy said, ?I would want platinum because it?s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.?

The teacher said, ?Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said, ?I would want silicone.?

?Why would you want silicone?? Asked the teacher

?Well my mom got some, he replied, ?and there?s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.?

 

[RGrew176]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she?d like to have for her birthday.

?I?d like to be six again?, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park ? the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster ? everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald?s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M?s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ?Well Dear, what was it like being six again???

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , ?I meant my dress size, you dumbass!?

 

[RGrew176]

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John?s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

?Are these plates clean??

His grandfather replied: ?They?re as clean as cold water can get ?em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!?

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: ?Are you sure these plates are clean??

Without looking up the old man said: ?I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don?t you fret, I don?t want to hear another word about it!?

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather?s dog started to growl, and wouldn?t let him pass.

John yelled: ?Grandfather, your dog won?t let me get to my car?.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:

?Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?!?

​

 

[RGrew176]

Back in the old Wild West, there were two stupid scoundrels, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground.” He then says, “If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I’ll give him $1000.”

The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw an Indian, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two nuts scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, look at this!” Dave replied, “Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: “I really think you should look at this.”

“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?”

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, just take a look!”

So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians – and their
horses.

Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . god . . . we’re going to be millionaires!”

 

[RGrew176]

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn?t arrived yet.

It wasn?t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.

She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands ?Stop that!?

The waiter looks at her dryly and says ?Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed??

 

[RGrew176]

A man calls home to his wife and says, ?Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We?ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I?ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We?re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.?

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, ?Yes!

Lot?s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn?t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do??

?I did, they?re in your tackle box.?

 

[RGrew176]

Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.

Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.

He started the engine, turned it off again and said: ?We have reached your destination?.

?Alright pal, here you go,? said the first guy as he gave him the money.

The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.

The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.

?What was that for?? Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.

?Next time don?t go so fast! You nearly killed us!?

 

[RGrew176]

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

?You know love,? she says, ?I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I?ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.? She turns to John and says, ?Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.?

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

?Well? there?s nothing wrong with your eyesight.?

 

[RGrew176]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it?s filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,?What?s with the money in the jar??
?Well? you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.?

The man certainly isn?t going to pass this up.

And so he asks, ?What are the three tests??

?You must pay first? Those are the rules,? says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

?Okay,? the bartender says, here?s what you need to do:

First ? You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can?t make a face while doing it.

Second ? There?s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third ? There?s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex? You have to take care of that problem!?

The man is stunned. ?I know I paid my $10, but I?m not an idiot!

I won?t do it! You?d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things?

?Your call,? says the bartender? ?But, your money stays where it is.?

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, ?Where?s the damn tequila??

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks? But he doesn?t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, ?Now where?s that old woman with the bad tooth??

 

[RGrew176]

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.

Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration.

The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. ?Might as well pass the time drunk.? He said.

The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. ?Might as well have her lovely company.? said he, and the loving wife agreed.

The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. ?It?s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.?

They are locked inside, each with his wish.

25 years pass?

It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.

They open the first prisoner?s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive.

Then they open the second prisoner?s door, and a whole family steps out ? babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.

Then they open the third prisoner?s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.

?Does anyone,? he asks with a broken voice, ?have a light??

 

[RGrew176]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ?This is a tree.? The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ?Tree.?

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, ?This is a rock.? Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ?Rock.? The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, ?Riding a bike.?

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

?My bike.?

 

[RGrew176]

A story I?ll tell of a burglar bold​

Who started to rob a house;​

He opened the window, and then crept in​

As quiet as a mouse.​

He looked around for a place to hide,​

?Till the folks were all asleep,​

Then said he, ?With their money​

I?ll take a quiet sneak.?​

So under the bed the burglar crept;​

He crept up close to the wall;​

He didn?t know it was an old maid?s room​

Or he wouldn?t have had the gall.​

He thought of the money that he would steal,​

As under the bed he lay;​

But at nine o?clock he saw a sight​

That made his hair turn gray.​

At nine o?clock the old maid came in;​

?I am so tired,? she said;​

She thought that all was well that night​

So she didn?t look under the bed.​

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
​

And the hair from off her head;
​

The burglar, he had forty fits
​

As he watched fro m under the bed.
​

From under the bed the burglar crept,
​

He was a total wreck;
​

The old maid wasn?t asleep at all
​

And she grabbed him by the neck.
​

She didn?t holler, or shout or call,
​

She was as cool as a clam;
​

She only said, ?The Saints be praised,
​

At last I?ve got a man!?
​

From under the pillow a gun she drew,
​

And to the burglar she said,
​

?Young man, if you don?t marry me,
​

I?ll blow off the top of your head!?
​

She held him firmly by the neck,
​

He hadn?t a chance to scoot;
​

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
​

And said, ?Madam, for Pete?s sake, shoot!?​

 

[RGrew176]

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, ?You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.? The man agreed.

After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, ?What are your two words??

?Food cold!? the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, ?What are your two words??

?Robe dirty!? the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, ?What are your two words??

? ?Bed hard!?. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, ?What are your two words??

? ?I quit!? said the man.

?Well,? the abbot replied, ?I?m not surprised ? you?ve done nothing but complain since you got here!?

 

[RGrew176]

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, ?There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.? ?No problem,? chimed the Rabbi, ?My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory.? With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. ?What?s wrong?? asked the farmer. He replied, ?I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can?t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.?

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. ?What?s wrong, now?? the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, ?I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can?t sleep on holy ground!?

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood?

The pig and the cow.

 

[RGrew176]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. ?Miss Whack, I?d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.?

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it?s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says: ?Sure. I have this,? and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she?ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: ?There?s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.? She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ?I mean, what in the world is this??

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

?It?s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man?s a Rolling Stone.?

 

[RGrew176]

A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband?s best friend. They make love for hours.

Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it?s the woman?s house, she picks up the receiver.

The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

?Hello? Oh, hi? I?m so glad that you called??

?Really? That?s wonderful??

?Well, I?m happy to hear you?re having such a great time??

?Oh, that sounds terrific? Love you too.?

?OK. Bye-bye.?

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: ?Who was THAT??

?Oh,? she replies, ?That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he?s having on his fishing trip with you.?

 

[RGrew176]

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He?s never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.

All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it?s taking?

They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!

?Help me,? he groans to his wife.

The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.

Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. ?I?m dying over here and you?re putting??

?Don?t worry dear,? says the wife calmly, ?they found a doctor on the second hole and he?s coming to help you.?

?Well, how long will it take for him to get here?? he asks feebly.

?No time at all,? says his wife. ?Everybody?s already agreed to let him play through.?

 

[RGrew176]

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn?t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn?t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem? How to carry his entire purchase home.

The feed store owner said, ?Why don?t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?? ?Hey, thanks!? said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.? We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time?.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, ?I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won?t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me??

The biker said, ?Holy smokes lady! I?m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that??

The lady said, ?Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I?ll hold the chickens.?