Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, ?Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride??
?NO!? says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, ?Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.?
?NO!? says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, ?Okay kid, my last offer! I?ll give you 20 Bucks ?and? a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.?
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out??Look Dad? ?You?re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ?YOU RIDE IT!!?

 

[RGrew176]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ?the lights would turn off.? Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ?May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ?OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.?Well, in that case, I?ll just look the other way,? said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ?Sir, I don?t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom??

Well, now they know you?re one of us,? said the bartender, ?Would you like a drink?? ?No thank you, but, I still don?t understand,?said the puzzled nun.

?You see,? laughed the bartender, ?every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

 

[RGrew176]

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each.
On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: ?It?s my wife?s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.? The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: ?Please tie a pillow to my back.? This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through.
When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: ?Please fix two pillows to my back.? But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: ?You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!?
?Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,? the Englishman replied. ?In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes.? ?Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,? the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. ?If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
The Englishman smiled and said, ?Tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.?

 

[RGrew176]

A duck walks into a bar and says ?Do you have duck food here??
The bartender says ?No? and the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and says ?Do you have duck food??
The bartender says ?No.?
The duck comes back the next day and says ?Do you have any duck food?? The bartender says ?I already told you ?No? twice! If you come back and ask me again, I?m going to nail your feet to the floor!?
The duck comes back the next day and says ?Do you have any nails??
The bartender says ?No.?
?Do you have any duck food??

 

[RGrew176]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: ?Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.? ?What do they say?? the priest inquired. ?They say, ?Hi, we?re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?? ?That?s obscene!? the priest exclaimed, ?I can see why you are embarrassed.? He thought a minute and then said: ?You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I?m sure your parrots will stop saying that?that phrase in no time.? ?Thank you. This may very well be the solution,? the woman responded.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest?s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: ?Hi, we?re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun??

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: ?Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!?

 

[RGrew176]

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. ?They?ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!? she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, ?Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.?
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher?s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
?Never mind,? giggles the blonde, ?I got in the back seat by mistake.?

​

 

[RGrew176]

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
?Nurse,? he mumbled from behind the mask. ?Are my testicles black??
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: ?I don?t know, Sir. I?m only here to wash your upper body.?
He struggled to ask again: ?Nurse, are my testicles black??
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: ?No sir, they aren?t. And I assure you, there?s nothing wrong with them!!?
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
?Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely?.
?A r e ? m y ? t e s t ? r e s u l t s ? b a c k??

 

[RGrew176]

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, ?I?m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it?s today.?

The bartender said, ?Well, since it?s your birthday, this one?s on me.?

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, ?I?d like to buy you a drink, too.?

The lady said, ?Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.?

?Coming up,? said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, ?I?d like to buy you a drink too.? The lady said, ?Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I?ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.?

?Coming right up,? the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, ?Ma?am, I?m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water??

The old woman giggled, and replied, ?Sonny, when you?re my age, you?ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.?

 

[RGrew176]

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fianc?e to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fianc?e to his library for a drink. ?So what are your plans?? the father asks the young man.

?I am a Torah scholar,? he says. ?A Torah scholar? Hmmm,? the father says.

?Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to??

?I will study,? the young man said, ?and God will provide for us.?

?And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?? asks the father.

?I will concentrate on my studies,? the young man replies. ?God will provide for us.?

?And children?? asks the father. ?How will you support children??

?Don?t worry, sir, God will provide,? replies the fianc?e.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks: ?How did it go, Honey??

The father answers: ?He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I?m God.?

 

[RGrew176]

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
?There?s no easy way to say this, so I?ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.?
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller?s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller?s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
?Will I be acquitted??

 

[RGrew176]

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: ?It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.?

?Quattro is just the name of the automobile,? the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. ?Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.?

?You cannot pull that one on me,? replies Paddy.

?Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.?

The Scotsmen reply angrily, ?You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!?

?Sorry,? responds Paddy, ?Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.?

 

[RGrew176]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’

The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’

The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’

The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’

The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison.’

 

[RGrew176]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’

The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.’

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87 years Old!’
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..

‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’

 

[RGrew176]

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, ?I guess you just don?t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.?

 

[RGrew176]

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.


A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.

He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.

A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.

When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:

?All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation??

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: ?I have no idea. We?re just painting the corridor.?

 

[RGrew176]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: ?Father, may I ask a favor??
?Of course. What may I do for you??
?Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I?m afraid they?ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps??
?I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.?
?With your honest face, father, no one will question you.?
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: ?Father, do you have anything to declare??
?From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.?
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: ?And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor??
?I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.?
Roaring with laughter, the official said: ?Go ahead, Father. Next!?

 

[tpenfield]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[RGrew176]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver?s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
?Will I have to go home and come back now?? he asked.
The woman said, ?Unbutton your shirt.?
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair.
She said, ?That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.? And she processed his social security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She sniffed at him, ?You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.?

 

[RGrew176]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

‘We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: “The word was… the word was… CELEBRATE!!!”

 

[RGrew176]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”

The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”