Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire!

The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back.

?Don?t worry?! He yelled. I?m going for help!

 

[brian4321]

Two brothers growing up were complete opposites... One was very optimistic and the other was always a pessimist.. So one Christmas mom and dad decided to fill pessimist's room with toys and fill optimist's room with horse manure... After a while pessimist came out and they asked him how he likes his toys. He said he didn't open them yet cuz he was afraid he'd break them...then optimist comes out grinning from ear to ear, so they ask why he's so happy... He says I know if I keep digging I'll find a pony in there somewhere

 

[RGrew176]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son
polar bear were sitting in the snow.

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." "Why do you ask?"

"I?m Freezing!" replied the his son.

 

[RGrew176]

After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.

?You know,? mused one, ?it?s a crying, shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven?t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government?s doing with their money.

 

[RGrew176]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: ?Change your course 10 degree east.?

The light signals back: ?Change yours, 10 degrees west.?

Angry, the captain sends: ?I?m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!?

?I?m a seaman, second class,? comes the reply. ?Change your course, sir.?

Now the captain is furious. ?I?m a battleship! I?m not changing course!?

There is one last reply. ?I?m a lighthouse. Your call.?

 

[WIMUSKY]

Not sure if this has been posted yet. I've heard it before, but still good.....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothings wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
football, cricket, baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

 

[gm280]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter." The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."


:drum: ound:

 

[RGrew176]

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old".

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

?When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.

 

[RGrew176]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this ? I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

 

[RGrew176]

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"

?The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?"

"Your Eyes, idiot!"

 

[64osby]

So I'm sitting in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.

I say, "Cool accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, Are you two whales from Scotland."

I don't remember much after that.

 

[NYBo]

Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it...

 

[RGrew176]

One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid.

When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper.

An hour passed and still the worm didn't come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door.

"So, there you are," the man said looking at the worm, "have you bought the newspaper?"

"Sorry, sir," answered the worm, "I haven't finished putting on my shoes."

 

[RGrew176]

There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday.

One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion.

The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo.

The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot.

The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house.

She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo.

She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

 

[RGrew176]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

 

[RGrew176]

Three strings walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The first string walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender looks at the string and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string walks back to his buddies and explains.

The second string says "No problem, I'll go get our beers." The second string walks up to the bartender, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender says, "Listen man, I told your buddy that we don't serve strings here." Empty handed, the second string walks back to his buddies.

The third string says, "No problem. Tie me in a knot at one end and fray my ends at the other." He struts up to the bartender, "Bartender, three beers please." The bartender proceeds to get him the beer when he suspiciously turns to look at the string and says, "Excuse me, but are you a string?" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[RGrew176]

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.

After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

 

[RGrew176]

A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner.

They sit down and eat the best meat.

After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat."

Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..."

 

[RGrew176]

They say that when a man holds a woman?s hand before marriage is love; after marriage is self-defense.

 

[RGrew176]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."