Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!"

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"

 

[RGrew176]

A husband is having a beer at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife.

"What are you emailing her?" asked one.

He reads his message out loud, "Having a beer with the boys. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this email again."

 

[RGrew176]

"Daddy," said my 10-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don?t want to be a pilot."

"You don?t have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don?t want to be a flight attendant either."

 

[RGrew176]

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

 

[RGrew176]

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, ?Ralph, I?m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling??

Ralph says, ?Like a brand new baby.?

?No kidding! Like a brand new baby?

?Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.?

 

[RGrew176]

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. ?I may look like just an ordinary man,? he said as he walked up to her, ?but in just a week or two my father will die, and I?ll inherit 20 million dollars.?

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[dwco5051]

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the Friendship Baptist Church, Paterson, NJ at 3pm. Her name is Rosalyn Terry, she is 5'7", about 150lbs, she's a good cook too and sweet as pie...She'll be the one in the white dress

 

[Bayou Dave]

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at the Friendship Baptist Church, Paterson, NJ at 3pm. Her name is Rosalyn Terry, she is 5'7", about 150lbs, she's a good cook too and sweet as pie...She'll be the one in the white dress

Sometimes you need to priortize things in your life. Your cousin made a good choice.

 

[RGrew176]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 398, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[RGrew176]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[RGrew176]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.


They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

 

[RGrew176]

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.


As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."

 

[gm280]

That reminds me of a Jeff Foxworthy show I went to one time. He said his young daughter came into his study and handed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As he was eating it he said, "I thought we were out of peanut butter and jelly". His daughter say "yes so I took some peanuts and chewed them up to make the peanut butter and chewed some raisins for the jelly". She then asked "do you wanted another one?" He said "NO...but I bet your mother would love one..."

 

[RGrew176]

Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. ?I feel that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I?m sure you would want to know the facts. I don?t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see??

Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, ?Yes.?

?Who is it??

In a little stronger tone, the patient said, ?Another doctor.?

 

[RGrew176]

Four retired ladies are playing bridge.
One of them looks across at her partner and says, ?I know we?ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can?t remember your name. Could you please tell me again??
Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, ?How soon do you need to know??

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.

?I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do??

He replies, ?Put a new battery in your hearing aid.?'

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

 

[RGrew176]

Year ago when the Northern Lights were especially bright, a young man went out late one night, saw them, and thought it was the end of time. He rushed down through the community, trying to wake up people up.

He came to the house of an old man, started pounding on his door yelling, ''Get up! They day of Judgment has come!''

The old man yelled back, '' Go back to bed. Who ever heard of the Day of Judgment coming in the middle of the night?''

 

[RGrew176]

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.


The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked: "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up.


"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: "Can you talk?"


The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: "Yes! And can you count?"

 

[RGrew176]

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II.


Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, ?Did you ever kill anyone??


Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, ?Probably. I was the cook.?