Family dysfunction!!!

[robert graham]

I'll just hold my tongue and grit my teeth as the freaks come slouching up to collect their gifts, eat and for the most part be gone for another year!....don't get me wrong, there are a few "normal" folks sprinkled into the mix just to make it all bearable....Cedar Key, here we come!....I'll take the sea gulls, pelicans and the sound of the waves gently lapping on the shore any time...and a cold Coors, peanuts and Penrose sausages!.....guess it's just life as we know it!

 

[jrttoday]

ya know this is a serious subject and one that tugs at my heart... I was raised with seemingly yesterday's values; making my family's dysfunction extremely confusing. It's called "family dysfunction" for a reason - it's a family disease. If my family is dysfunctional, so am I. "hello".... I think people need wake up to THAT fact.

I can only speak for me and as of 12/31/2015, I will have been in recovery for 27 years. That my blood relations have chosen not to participate in "their" recovery or even attempt has caused a rift that I am no longer able to negotiate. Their behaviour and attitudes towards life are simply too toxic for me to be around. At this point, the best I can do is to let them go, leave them alone, hope that they leave me alone, wish them well, and hope that they all get better.

It has taken me 57 years to come to a conclusion; but it became real apparent after my father died six and a half years ago. I hope and pray no one else experiences the tragedies I have... said with tears of gratitude. I posted a posted a few authors earlier; hope some have bothered to read what they've written..... saved my life....

 

[gm280]

ya know this is a serious subject and one that tugs at my heart... I was raised with seemingly yesterday's values; making my family's dysfunction extremely confusing. It's called "family dysfunction" for a reason - it's a family disease. If my family is dysfunctional, so am I. "hello".... I think people need wake up to THAT fact.

I can only speak for me and as of 12/31/2015, I will have been in recovery for 27 years. That my blood relations have chosen not to participate in "their" recovery or even attempt has caused a rift that I am no longer able to negotiate. Their behaviour and attitudes towards life are simply too toxic for me to be around. At this point, the best I can do is to let them go, leave them alone, hope that they leave me alone, wish them well, and hope that they all get better.

It has taken me 57 years to come to a conclusion; but it became real apparent after my father died six and a half years ago. I hope and pray no one else experiences the tragedies I have... said with tears of gratitude. I posted a posted a few authors earlier; hope some have bothered to read what they've written..... saved my life....

I hear yea jrt. However, and seems you have finally figured this out, the best YOU can do is fix yourself if that is needed. You can't fix anybody else or the world for that matter. But you can't make anybody else think or do what you would do. And now that you seem to understand that. You know that you and yours is really all that matters.

I as well have a fair sized family. And while we all are basically doing well, we don't have the same life styles, thoughts, or even routines. So I can't try to change them and once that is serious understood, life is great again. That doesn't mean I dislike them or not love them or anything like that. We just have really different takes on life. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. :noidea:

 

[jrttoday]

doesn't mean I dislike them or not love them or anything like that. We just have really different takes on life. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. :noidea:

pretty much so... there's no "pat" answer and I've discovered an online forum/chat etc isn't the place to work that stuff out. And lends to lots of confusion on the subject - easily misunderstood and tooooooo toooooooo many variables. We may be all the same, but every family is some different. Patterns can be similar, but situations can differ to some degree.

Mom used to always say that you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you can take care of anyone else. In every relationship that I've ever had and will have "I" am the common denominator, period. :brick:
And fix myself! heck fire! I ain't broke :lol: I've found so many to claim, "there's nothing wrong with me"; people that think "nothing's wrong with themselves can be found in State Mental Hospitals. People that "know" they're a bit off are usually the ones with the best mental health (and not just IMHO, quacks agree)

 

[jrttoday]

Just because I've been in intensive recovery all of this time doesn't mean that I am cured - still have issues but they are minimal and manageable, have to love them from a distance. A time honored tradition is the making of this fruitcake(s) around Christmas. A family recipe but maybe not limited to mine? as the recipe can be found online - I've been enjoying for as long as can remember.

Was reminded of the Fruitcake Lady this morning <<< https://youtu.be/o-1ehDZv6JQ >>>

 

[sphelps]

Thanks jr .... Now I just spent an hour listening the Fruitcake Lady .... Once you start it's hard to stop ... :facepalm:

 

[64osby]

... We all have our own issues, but we also learn, some times later in life, that trying to push your ideas and views is a worthless cause. So roll with the flow and try to have a happy Holiday season anyway. JMHO!

I'm so tired of people telling me to not push my ideas on others. :grumpy:

After all my ideas are perfect and everyone should listen to them and do as I do. :facepalm::lol:

 

[jrttoday]

I'm so tired of people telling me to not push my ideas on others. :grumpy:

After all my ideas are perfect and everyone should listen to them and do as I do. :facepalm::lol:

how's that working out for ya? :lol:

 

[keith2k455]

ya know this is a serious subject and one that tugs at my heart... I was raised with seemingly yesterday's values; making my family's dysfunction extremely confusing. It's called "family dysfunction" for a reason - it's a family disease. If my family is dysfunctional, so am I. "hello".... I think people need wake up to THAT fact.

I can only speak for me and as of 12/31/2015, I will have been in recovery for 27 years. That my blood relations have chosen not to participate in "their" recovery or even attempt has caused a rift that I am no longer able to negotiate. Their behaviour and attitudes towards life are simply too toxic for me to be around. At this point, the best I can do is to let them go, leave them alone, hope that they leave me alone, wish them well, and hope that they all get better.

It has taken me 57 years to come to a conclusion; but it became real apparent after my father died six and a half years ago. I hope and pray no one else experiences the tragedies I have... said with tears of gratitude. I posted a posted a few authors earlier; hope some have bothered to read what they've written..... saved my life....

Holy cow, this is hitting me hard this year. I think I'm going to cut the in law side loose this year. MIL hates me because she says I won't let her see my kids as much as she wants, never mind I work full time and am an active dad. Then she starts spreading lies and hatred because we do ok for ourselves. I try to let it go, but I just can't go on their turf anymore, it's hard to see good in them anymore. They're invited over, but I can't go to see them anymore. Not sure what fallout the wife will catch, but it's high time she sticks up for our family and stops letting her mom push her around.

 

[jrttoday]

when "i" (we) come from responsibility, we stop being victims. Stop playing the "blame game" - look at what they did - am accountable for my actions/behaviour, emotions etc and responsible for those things only. Live and let live....

 

[keith2k455]

when "i" (we) come from responsibility, we stop being victims. Stop playing the "blame game" - look at what they did - am accountable for my actions/behaviour, emotions etc and responsible for those things only. Live and let live....

Jrttoday, that's it exactly. They are victims. Victims of poor work environments, victims of being too busy, victims of the wealthy holding them down, victims of taxation, victims of God. It's too much. I am NOT a victim, I have a very blessed life. I've tried to be compassionate, but they are victims, not people who need help, but victims. Some people are hunters, some are boaters, some Christians, some Atheists, some Republicans but they are victims. If you hang with troublemakers, you will become one. I don't care to become one.

 

[tpenfield]

I am somewhat comforted by all of these responses in that I am not alone with family dysfunction. My family has has stopped getting together as much during the holidays because it seemed impossible to organize. I used to go to great lengths to organize something, but stopped a few years ago and nobody seems to mind. I tell the Admiral that "my siblings and I have learned from our mistakes"

The Admiral's family is quite the opposite and they clearly have not learned from their mistakes. Despite that fact that they can't stand to be around one another, they insist on getting together at Christmas, either the day of or the day after. Each year they hope for holiday bliss and it never happens. The plan for this year is to all get together at the MIL's house the day after Christmas. I am praying for a huge snowstorm that day, but it looks like the weather is going to be far too warm.

 

[gm280]

I am somewhat comforted by all of these responses in that I am not alone with family dysfunction. My family has has stopped getting together as much during the holidays because it seemed impossible to organize. I used to go to great lengths to organize something, but stopped a few years ago and nobody seems to mind. I tell the Admiral that "my siblings and I have learned from our mistakes"

The Admiral's family is quite the opposite and they clearly have not learned from their mistakes. Despite that fact that they can't stand to be around one another, they insist on getting together at Christmas, either the day of or the day after. Each year they hope for holiday bliss and it never happens. The plan for this year is to all get together at the MIL's house the day after Christmas. I am praying for a huge snowstorm that day, but it looks like the weather is going to be far too warm.

I have to say that our family doesn't all get together either these days. But for totally understandable reasons. While we all care for each other, we all also ventured off with our own families and events and things we like to do. And since that makes for different living situations, we just don't seem to have basically anything in common. Not friends, or things we enjoy doing. But it also doesn't mean we don't care about each other either. Just different lives now. And that's okay, my present own family is my main concern anyways. JMHO!

 

[tpenfield]

Yes, in the next 5 years or so things are going to change for us (we think) . . . our children will be starting families and the MIL & FIL will be getting too old for large gatherings, etc. It will be interesting to see how that plays out for us.