What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

[SS MAYFLOAT]

My oldest kids (the ones with my 3 grandsons) had the transmission go out on their Dodge mini van. The first thing they wanted to do was bring it to my house for me to fix it. I refused and now I'm the bad guy. I tried to explain that changing the front seal of the transmission may not and is probably not the only thing wrong. SIL is somewhat mechanically inclinded, but honestly he doesn't have a clue about this job.

I just hate working on cars anymore, especially big major jobs. Since I said no, they aren't talking to us. That is somewhat nice, but unfair for the grandkids. Right now they don't have transportation and even expect my wife and I to do all their running. It just ain't right. They are in their early 30's now and still depend too much off others.

Am I doing right by putting a stop to being taken advantage of? I just feel guilty for not helping. I've tried to be there for them always and I think that my own actions may have contributed their dependancy off us.

 

[Vlad D Impeller]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Go fishing, go to the movies or go crazy, take your pick.

 

[gonefishie]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

My dad used to work WITH me on my car and even him would refer a transmission repair job to a tranny shop unless it something simple like changing fluid, oil pan gasket and stuff. Make them fork out the money for the repair, they're 30 yrs old.

 

[Bondo]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Donno SS,.......

Maybe it's time to Bite the Bullet,+ Cut their Diaper Strings.............

You can only keep putting that pacifier back into their mouths for Soo Long,.........

I'd Think that by 30,....... They should be Self-Sufficient.......Atleast for their Basic Needs......

I Guess I'm with Vlad,.............. I'd go Fishing.............

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Thanks Vlad, Fishing sounds good. I personally wait till the movies are out on DVD or PPV. My kids on the other hand are movie hounds and can't wait till the price is cheaper to watch it. Just one of the many areas where they don't manage their money. I know if yer belly is grumbling,,,,,,that viewing of the movie is not going to satisfy it. Hopefully the grandkids will take note on how their grandparents handle their household. They are the ones that suffer due to their parents inability to handle their finances.

Maybe bus tokens would be a nice jesture for helping them?

 

[WillyBWright]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Older Caravan? Pre-93? Those crapped-out trannies like Mercs crap-out stators. Although my 91 lasted to just shy of 300K, which is not the norm. It doesn't just need a seal! Tune-ups are one thing. Major component replacements are another. Invite them over for the fish fry. Tell them to bring a dish to pass.

 

[ehenry]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

SS, i think you're doing the proper thing. They're in their 30's. If they're gainfully employed and just spending their money on whatever, instead of things that need to be taken care of....it's time for them to learn to sink or swim.

 

[bjcsc]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

You're doing the right thing...just be patient. They're making the transition from the left to the right. They'll learn to be accountable if they have to.

 

[aspeck]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

SS, it is time they grow up and take some responsibility on their own. Do you want to RAISE your Grandkids, or just visit with them? If you like the visits, then their mom and dad have to grow up and raise them. Remember, you are doing this for the Grandkids as much as for the kids.

 

[Haut Medoc]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Disagree, you should help them if you can.....
If you just don't feel like it, then deal with the repercussions....
A stern talking to about responsibility should be in their future as well.....
Even if it is for your own peace of mind.....​

 

[Pony]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

I guess without knowing any of the events preceding this it is realistically impossible to pass any sort of judgement. IF this type of thing happens regularly and they are consistantly taking advantage of you, then I believe that not helping them is the correct thing to do.........along with a stern lecture as to why (learn to manage your finances etc etc etc) However IF this is something that doesnt happen often, then I would help them out because they need it and no matter how old they are, you're still the parent.
It is important to teach the grandkids the importance of finances and self sufficiency, but also important to show them the importance of helping others even when it isnt convienent for you. (assuming the kids don't already take advantage of you. I have grandparents that I wish would do what you are doing SS. They have my aunt and uncle and 3 grandkids living right next door and the grandkids are over there all the time asking for food and soda etc. Their food bill is literally 3-4 times larger than it needs to be. Everytime they make dinner they make extra for them. The whole family sees it but them, and yet my aunt and uncle have the funds to buy a camper, build the house they live in etc etc)

 

[Limited-Time]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

I'm kinda with Haut on this one. But it is in my nature to lend assistance...........let me repeat that.....lend assistance. I have no children of my own, but brothers and sisters, yes. If any of them ask for my help it's given. The two stipulations are that they do all than can to aid in the completion of the project. That and it NEVER cost me any out of pocket money to help.
That said there are times when I end up doing the lions share............ but only if their skills for the task at hand are questionable.

 

[SuperNova]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

I am helpful as hell, too, and I learned long ago that some people appreciate it andhelp you back, while other people just take advantage of you. If they are in their 30's and won't talk to you anymore because you said "no", well I guess that gives you your answer as to what kind of people they are right there. My family nursed my older brother forever and he never learned any responsibility or ever had to pay the consequences of his actions. Now he is a pathetic 40 year old with a child-like mentality. The real favor you'll be doing here is forcing the kids to grow the hell up. It's called tough love and it's part of being a parent.
--
Stan

 

[POINTER94]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

No right or wrong answer here SS. I would call them up and tell them how you are ill equipt'd to mow your lawn, trim the tree's, clean the house, shed, car, boat and when can you expect them to come on over and get to those things for free. See how quick they are to volunteer their time. Sounds to me like the best thing that can happen is that they stop talking to you.

By age 21 you should know that nothing is free. You may be able to get a deal, swing a trade, get a referal, or some suggestions, borrow a tool, but to stop by drop off a dead van, and head to the beach? I would have had the thing towed. But thats just me.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: What to do? (dang if I do or don't)

Thanks for the advice and support, boy ole boy do I need it.

We have helped all 4 kids to the point it was breaking our bank and hurting us financially. 3 or the 4 have been doing well. Kasey got her GED, has a great job and is off government aid. Amber is in rehab from being in a bad relationship with a lowlife. She doesn't want any help and says she is fine. Carl, which some of you may remember the problems I had with is doing fine. Has his own place, drives a forklift for a company making a decent wage.

It is just the oldest that waits for the last minuet, doesn't want to or won't work. SIL doesn't have any diploma or GED. His wage isn't enough to support a single person, let alone a family of 5.

He has tried to help me on things, but just can't do things right. Last year I let him put on my exhaust manifolds on my boat. He twisted 5 bolts off from over tightening them even with a torque wrench. He helped me hang 3 sheets of drywall. I had to go back and run the screws in further to make them flush. The stuff I know he is capable of doing, he just won't do it for me.

The only good thing I can say about the oldest daughter is that she is in school to become an RN. However, I think she is only doing this because her mom is doing it. My wife never had her diploma up until about 7 years ago. She is close to finishing her courses. Only 2 semesters to go before her clinicals. While this daughter was growing up, she was the only one that had a higher education. I think she feels that it is not acceptable to her that her mom be more educated than she is. Believe me, she is not the type that would be a nurse.

I just feel bad, but I know if I keep helping, they will keep wanting.

Well, enuff,,,,I've unloaded and its FRIDAY,,,,,,TIME FOR A BREW!

Thanks again,,,,you all are great shipmates!