Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”

 

[RGrew176]

A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: “Why the long face?”

The salesman replied: “I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure.”

“Why is that?” Asked the friend, “I thought you had a good campaign running.”

“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem – I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”

“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.

“The heck it should have!” said the salesman.

“Only no one told me they read from right to left!!”

 

[RGrew176]

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

 

[RGrew176]

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.

So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.

The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.

The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.

Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out. A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”

And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”

 

[RGrew176]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” declared the man with pride. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

 

[RGrew176]

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

 

[RGrew176]

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?” The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.

To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.

“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”

“No.”

“Five dollars!”

“No.”

“Ten dollars!”

“I told you, no.”

Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!” The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees. “Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.

The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”

The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description. After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. Grumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100. He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”

The old man smiles, shrugs and says: “I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

 

[RGrew176]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

 

[RGrew176]

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the HELL out of my cab!”

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some time rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There is a line of cabs and at the very end, he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab. “How much is it to the airport?” He asks. The driver says, “$15”

“Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?”

The cab driver says, “Get the hell out of my cab.”

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. “How much to the airport?”

“$15”

“Great, how much for you to sleep with me on the way there?”

And that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. The driver doesn’t recognize him and he asks, “Hey how much to the airport?”

The driver responds, “$15”.

The guy hands him $15 and says “Great let’s go!”

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles at them enthusiastically while giving them the thumbs up!

 

[RGrew176]

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
‘Hey you, do you have water?’ Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, ‘I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.’

The criminal, frustrated shouted, ‘you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!”

‘There’s no call for threats,’ said the old tie seller indignantly, ‘but even though you don’t want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I’ll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you’ll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!”

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

“Everything ok?” Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

“They won’t let me in without a tie…”

 

[RGrew176]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

“I should be in charge”, said the brain, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen”.

“I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away”.

“I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy”.

“I should be in charge”, said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal”.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

 

[RGrew176]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. They start getting really upset as time goes on, as they have reserved the time!

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 25 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?”

 

[RGrew176]

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. Its WWI, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The general asks him: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the second man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: “Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave.” The general laughs and says: “It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the third man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier tells him: “sir, I got strep throat in the trenches.” The general asks: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush.” The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “Actually sir, there is one thing… I’d like to be the first one to use the brush.”

 

[bassman284]

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[WIMUSKY]

^^^^^^^ Good one!

 

[garbageguy]

...and another engineer might say the glass needs more water to utilize its inherent value...

 

[Grub54891]

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I say, it depends. If you hand me a glass that's full, I drink half, it would be half empty. If you hand me a glass that's not full, it's half full.

 

[gm280]

Actually a scientist would say the glass is totally full all the time. Partially with liquid and the rest with air. So the glass is totally full all the time...

 

[GA_Boater]

True news story;

FAIR HAVEN, Vt. — The new honorary mayor of Fair Haven, Vermont — a 3-year-old goat named Lincoln — was officially sworn into office this week.

Lincoln was dressed in a sash reading "Mayor" for the Tuesday ceremony at the Fair Haven town offices. Town Clerk Suzanne Dechame and the select board were present to deliver the oath of office.




Fair Haven, a town of about 2,500 along the border with New York just west of Rutland, does not have an actual mayor.

Town Manager Joseph Gunter says the honorary pet mayor idea was conceived as a fundraiser for a playground, but it turned into a civics lesson for kids.

On the way out of the offices, the honorary mayor defecated on the floor — leaving clean-up to the police chief and other attendees.

 

[RGrew176]

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, ” We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”

“Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.”

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman said, ” I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.”

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!