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RGrew176

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Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Day 1073 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt by dangling little objects in front of my face. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

Day 1074

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 1075

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cage, so he is safe. For now…
 
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RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.

“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.

But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. “I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.

“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of beers.”

His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”

She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:

“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Nurse: “How old are you?”

Patient: “None of your business.”

Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”

Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”

Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

Nurse: “Zero.”

Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.

When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

“You again? Dang! What do you want this time?”

“Two bananas please.”

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There’s no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

“Let me guess. Three bananas?”

“Actually yes! How did you know?”

“Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry.”

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

“I don’t get it,” says the executioner. “I didn’t let you eat any bananas!”

“It’s not the bananas.” Sighed the prisoner. “I’m a very bad conductor.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can’t be a team player and come.

“I’m sorry Boss,” Said Dave, “I’m just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least.”

“What do you mean?!?” Asks the boss with derision. “Who can you possibly know?”

“Name someone famous,” shrugged Dave, “I’ll bet you I know him.”

Amused, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about… Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?” He smirks.

“Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Xavier,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Xavier spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Larry,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated.

One is a member of the Gestapo, one is an Imperial Japanese officer and one is a Fascist Italian Commander.

They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated.

The German says, “My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me.”

The Japanese says, “It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture.”

The Italian says, “I’ve had it.”

The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck.

Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood.

The other two ask him what happened.

“Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country,”

Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated.

Three days pass and he returns to the cell.

His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied.

“I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku.”

Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life.

A whole week passes before he returns.

Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by two soldiers.

One of the soldiers jeers, “I can’t believe you guys broke instead of this Italian.”

The other two are shocked.

Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break.

They ask him how he did it.

“I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn’t speak.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t speak?” The others ask.

“They tied my hands behind my back.”
 

generator12

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Jul 9, 2010
Messages
666
Jesus is strolling around heaven one day, checking things out, when he sees an old man looking around and appearing to be confused. He confronts the man and says, "Is everything alright? Can I help you with anything?". The old man replies, "Well, I'm looking for my son.". Jesus says, "Tell me about him then and maybe I can help you find him".

The old man says, "Well, I haven't seen him in many years, since way back when I was a carpenter. But I can tell you this, his birth was an absolute miracle." Jesus straightens up, incredulous, with memories stirring. "And the last time I saw him", continues the old man, "he had nails in his hands and feet.."

Jesus gets big tears in his eyes, reaches out and hugs the man. "Father..!" he says. The old man throws his arms around Jesus and cries, "Pinocchio..!"
 

generator12

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Jul 9, 2010
Messages
666
The man answers the phone and hears his doctor's voice. "I've got bad news, and....worse news!"

"What..?", he says. "Well give me the bad news...!" The doctor replies, "The results of your tests are back. You've got 24 hours to live." "Oh no..!" cries the man. "Well what is the worse news?" The doctor replies, "I was supposed to call you yesterday".
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bums at the Post Office!”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man travels on a ship. Two days in, the ship encounters a storm and sinks. Hanging on weakly to a piece of the mast, he manages to survive and gets washed up on an unknown island. Only problem is, it’s so unknown that no ship ever comes near it.

10 years pass on the island, and the survivor has been alone all this time, that is until one day, he suddenly notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. No ship has ever come.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wetsuit.

She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.

She tells him she has a boat nearby, and she just took a swim. The look of the poor man makes her feel a great wave of pity for him.

“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.

“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.

With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.

The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.

“Man, that is good!” he says, sighing in pleasure.

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.

Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.

Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.

The man opens it and takes a swig.

“This is the best day of my life,” he says, grinning.

The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and looks at the man seductively.

“Now, how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she asks seductively.

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.

“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a game of twister in there!”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
My wife and I recently took a trip down Route 66. We took side trips if it looked promising.

On one of these side trips we passed this quaint country store.

Then we kept passing stores similar to that one.

After the third time my wife says out loud, “How many roads does a man have to drive down before he

admits he’s lost?”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Looking for an answer on your voice mail that will leave people hollering with laughter? Look no further, because these voice mail / answering machine message ideas are just hilarious, whether you’ll use them or not!

– “A” is for academics, “B” is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

– Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

– (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

– The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

– Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

– Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

– Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

– Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk! )

– (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

– This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious.”

– Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

– I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

– Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

– (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.

– Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er…Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s, Oh, I mean, false… er…Shalt not commit a bear… Darn…

– I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

– (Recorded directly from AT&T:) The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

– You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

– You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

– Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”
 

Grub54891

Vice Admiral
Joined
Jun 17, 2012
Messages
5,908
I had this message on mine at one point.
All calls are important to us, we will answer all calls in the order they were received, unless we deem one call more important than the others. Regardless we may or may not return your call depending on weather we want to at some point in time.
 

bassman284

Commander
Joined
Jun 24, 2006
Messages
2,839
Looking for an answer on your voice mail that will leave people hollering with laughter? Look no further, because these voice mail / answering machine message ideas are just hilarious, whether you’ll use them or not!

– “A” is for academics, “B” is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

– Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

– (Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

– The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

– Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

– Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

– Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

– Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk! )

– (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

– This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious.”

– Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

– I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

– Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

– (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.

– Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… Bear a… er…Shalt not witness thy… uh… Neighbor’s, Oh, I mean, false… er…Shalt not commit a bear… Darn…

– I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

– (Recorded directly from AT&T:) The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

– You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

– You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

– Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Gotta add my favorite.

-Hi, this is bassman. I'm not here right now but if you want to annoy me anyway go ahead and leave a message.
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.

When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy

standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.

“This must not be your first,” I said.

“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”

“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.

He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wans’nt very good.

They got along very well.

One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:

Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”

Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

Man: “It made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”

Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”

Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”

Man: “No, I always up before her.”

Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”

Man: “She going to kill me.”

Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”

Man: “I got proof.”

Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”

Man: “She going to poison me.”

Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”

Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Phil, a program manager at a small business, walks out of his office and waved goodbye to his team of employees: Joe, Rick, and Andy.

They see Phil walking out, and unenthusiastically wave back.

A disgruntled Andy looks at the guys and says: “Can you believe this? Every day for the last 6 months this monkey leaves at 4:00 leaving the rest of us to work overtime.”

Joe: “I wish he would help us though, or at least hire more help. I’ve been watching re-runs of my favorite shows on the weekends because I keep missing them.”

Rick: “I know, it’s just not fair. I have kids I want to spend time with.”

Andy: “I don’t care about the project anymore. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner in months because I’m always stuck working.”

Rick: “Well what can we do? We can’t just ignore our work and leave like Phil does. We have deadlines.”

The guys all agreed Rick was right and continued to work ridiculous hours for the next week.

One day at lunch Andy piped up again.

Andy: “I’m sick of working these hours. I never get to see my wife, and Phil clearly has no idea how long we are here every night.”

Joe: “I know man. I missed last nights GoT premier and I’m having to avoid everyone who watched it.”

Rick: “I hear you both. I’ve missed every soccer game the boys had this month and my wife keeps hassling me about it.”

Andy: “You know what we should do? We should just leave early like Phil does. Forget working late.”

Rick: “What!? We can’t do that. If we leave early we will fall behind even more than we already are.”

Joe: “Yeah, what are you thinking Andy? Plus we will get caught and could lose our jobs.”

Andy: “Hear me out, first guys. Phil is our manager. He is the only one we report to, and how would he even know? He leaves every day at 4:00 on the dot. We just simply leave 15 minutes after he does.”

Joe: “I don’t know, Andy. That sounds really risky.”

Andy: “Come on. Don’t you want to see those shows you always talk about? How about you Rick? Don’t you want to see your kids play in their soccer games?”

Both Andy and Rick nod their heads in agreement.

Rick: “Okay but how would we— when would we even do this? Surely not today?”

Andy: “I don’t see why not? Rick your boys have a game tonight, right? It would be a great surprise for them to have you show up, and I bet your wife would forget all about the games you missed.”

Rick: “Yeah that would be a nice surprise for all of them.”

Joe: “So we’re doing it? We’re all leaving today 15 minutes after Phil does?”

Andy: “Yes. Now let’s finish up lunch and get back to work.”

The three guys went back to work, occasionally glancing at the clock just counting down the time till they could leave.

Sure enough, 4:00 rolls around and Phil comes strolling out of his office waving goodbye to his team.

All three wave back, this time a little more eager to bid their boss farewell. Fifteen minutes fly by and as they planned, each gets up from their desk and leaves for the day.

The next morning Rick, And, and Joe all meet up at the coffee machine in the break room at work.

Joe all eager from binge watching his favorite shows asked the other guys, “So how was your nights off??”

Rick: “Mine was great. The boys were totally surprised I showed up, they won their game and my wife was so happy.”

Joe: “That’s great Rick! I finally got caught up on my shows and even had time to start a new show.”

Rick: “What about you Andy, did you get that home cooked dinner you’ve been missing?”

Andy: “Heck no. I was pulling into the driveway and I seen Phil’s truck sitting right there. At first, I wasn’t sure, if it was him so I snuck out back to peek through the windows and sure enough he was sitting there having dinner with my wife. I got so scared he would see me, so I hauled my butt back here. We definitely can’t be skipping out early again boys.”
 
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