Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

“Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also soiled your pants.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.

He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

 

[RGrew176]

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure..”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.

“No, I can remember it..”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that – write it down?” she asked.

Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?”

 

[RGrew176]

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.

During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”

“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”

 

[RGrew176]

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.

“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.

Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-“

The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

 

[RGrew176]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

“So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

 

[RGrew176]

A plane left JFK airport toward its destination in Europe without any unnecessary delays. During the flight, while the plane was at an elevation of 31000 feet, a loud explosion was heard.

A traveler named Dave looked out the window of the plane, “God help us!” He shouted, “One of the engines exploded!” The rest of the passengers left their seats and went toward Dave to see what was going on when at that very moment a loud explosion was heard from the other side of the plane. At this point, all the passengers on the plane were in total panic, and even the flight attendants couldn’t calm them down.

At that very moment, Captain John came out of the cockpit, smiling, happy, calm and declared, “Valued passengers, you can be calm, everything is under control and you have no reason to worry.” The captain’s words helped calm things down, the flight attendants managed to restore order, and the passengers returned to their seats. At that time, the captain turned to the door of the plane and began handing out large bags to the crew, who tied them on their backs.

“Hey,” said Dave the passenger, “are you tying parachutes to your backs?” Captain John answered in the affirmative and Dave continued, “Just a second, didn’t you say there was nothing to worry about and everything is under control?” “That’s true, and you have no reason to worry,” the captain replied, and at the same time, a loud explosion was heard from the third engine.

“We’re just going to get help.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

It turns out that he didn’t dial the pantry at all.

The voice from the other side responded:

“You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee pauses for a moment to think about an appropriate response.

The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”

“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

 

[RGrew176]

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond at the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he said: “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?”

The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

 

[RGrew176]

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinkin’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinkin’ now?”

To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hopin’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”

 

[RGrew176]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:

“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

 

[RGrew176]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask – what did the chicken do?”

 

[RGrew176]

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.

After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.

Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.

The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”

Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.

The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.

Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.

He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.

“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

 

[RGrew176]

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.

He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough, the hunters have bagged two moose.

The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.

Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”

To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total coward!”

Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.

The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching.

Finally, the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree.

The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.

Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy.

He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

 

[RGrew176]

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’

 

[RGrew176]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit

surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” the rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

 

[RGrew176]

A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”

 

[RGrew176]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”