Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A woman and man got into a car accident. Both of their cars were badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of the wreckage, the woman said: “Wow, look at our cars – there’s nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

The man replied: “Oh yes, I agree with you completely.”

The woman pointed to a bottle on the ground and said: “Here’s another miracle. Somehow this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked: “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replied: “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police – I’ll let them decide whose fault it is.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

 

[RGrew176]

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

 

[RGrew176]

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running… And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw… and the atheist cried out, “Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, “Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said, “Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?” And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, “Done.”

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, “Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”

 

[RGrew176]

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis, then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…

I don’t know how I pulled through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

 

[RGrew176]

A confident woman goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb sees a beautiful antique lamp. Intrigued, she picks it up. And as she starts to rub the dust off of it, a genie pops out of the lamp and says, to her great wonder and surprise, “I want to know the person you hate the most!”

The woman says, “That’s gotta be my ex-husband. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-husband will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but your ex-husband gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted. So your ex-husband gets two, remember. Now make your final wish.”

The woman walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says: “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death with it.”

 

[RGrew176]

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.

They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.

As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.

As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.

Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”

 

[RGrew176]

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey. The way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

“Sure, have fun!”

Jim went on a gallop and was having the time of his life. “This horse sure can run.” He thought to himself. He was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead.

“STOP!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop.

“Yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered.

“HEYHEY!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Phew, thank God.”

 

[RGrew176]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

 

[RGrew176]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

Somehow, some of the politicians survived, and continued to plead for someone to rescue them from beneath the earth.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

“Well,” The old farmer replied with a thoughtful expression, “some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

 

[RGrew176]

A wealthy man died and went to heaven.

He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.

Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

 

[RGrew176]

A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she said: “You.”

 

[RGrew176]

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.

He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

“You say you have experience selling books?”

“Lots of it,” replies Jim.

“And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?”

“Correct,” replies Jim. “History is my field of study.”

“Well then,” says the sales manager, “As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm.”

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, “Fine looking men. Your partners?”

 

[RGrew176]

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone.”

 

[RGrew176]

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo

He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

 

[RGrew176]

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.

Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.

A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same.

He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.

Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.

But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.

The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were.”

 

[RGrew176]

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife.

“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jack, why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” suggested his wife.

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

 

[RGrew176]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

 

[RGrew176]

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered.

“When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me.”

“So?” the Rabbi asked indignantly.

“So I don’t want to remind him!”

 

[RGrew176]

Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. “Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.

From the kitchen, Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”