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  • A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

    They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”

    The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinkin’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”

    So she did so.

    But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinkin’ now?”

    To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hopin’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
    Rick Grew

    1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

    2004 Past Commodore
    West River Yacht & Cruising Club
    www.wrycc.com

    Comment


    • Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

      The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

      Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
      “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

      Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

      Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

      The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

      Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

      At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

      Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

      Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

      Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

      The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

      Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:

      “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
      Rick Grew

      1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

      2004 Past Commodore
      West River Yacht & Cruising Club
      www.wrycc.com

      Comment


      • David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

        David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

        Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

        David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

        I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask – what did the chicken do?”
        Rick Grew

        1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

        2004 Past Commodore
        West River Yacht & Cruising Club
        www.wrycc.com

        Comment


        • A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.

          After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.

          Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.

          The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”

          Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.

          The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.

          Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.

          He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.

          “Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
          Rick Grew

          1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

          2004 Past Commodore
          West River Yacht & Cruising Club
          www.wrycc.com

          Comment


          • A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario.

            He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

            The next week he returns, and sure enough, the hunters have bagged two moose.

            The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose.

            Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.”

            To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total coward!”

            Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake.

            The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching.

            Finally, the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree.

            The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart.

            Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy.

            He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

            Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
            Rick Grew

            1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

            2004 Past Commodore
            West River Yacht & Cruising Club
            www.wrycc.com

            Comment


            • A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

              However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

              ‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

              ‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

              The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

              At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

              ‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

              ‘The gold.’

              ‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

              ‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

              The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

              ‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
              Rick Grew

              1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

              2004 Past Commodore
              West River Yacht & Cruising Club
              www.wrycc.com

              Comment


              • A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

                “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

                “Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

                “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

                “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

                “You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

                “It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them.

                “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

                “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit

                surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

                “I do,” the rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
                Rick Grew

                1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

                2004 Past Commodore
                West River Yacht & Cruising Club
                www.wrycc.com

                Comment


                • A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

                  He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

                  A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

                  The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

                  He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

                  The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

                  He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

                  When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

                  He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

                  The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
                  Rick Grew

                  1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

                  2004 Past Commodore
                  West River Yacht & Cruising Club
                  www.wrycc.com

                  Comment


                  • Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

                    The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

                    The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

                    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

                    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

                    “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

                    She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

                    “Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

                    “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

                    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

                    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

                    He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
                    Rick Grew

                    1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

                    2004 Past Commodore
                    West River Yacht & Cruising Club
                    www.wrycc.com

                    Comment


                    • Day 1073 of my captivity

                      My captors continue to taunt by dangling little objects in front of my face. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

                      hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

                      The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

                      Day 1074

                      There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

                      Day 1075

                      Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

                      I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cage, so he is safe. For now…
                      Last edited by southkogs; January 17th, 2019, 07:08 AM.
                      Rick Grew

                      1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

                      2004 Past Commodore
                      West River Yacht & Cruising Club
                      www.wrycc.com

                      Comment


                      • Sign up today
                        Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

                        “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

                        A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
                        Rick Grew

                        1981 Carver 3007 Aft Cabin

                        2004 Past Commodore
                        West River Yacht & Cruising Club
                        www.wrycc.com

                        Comment

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