Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”

“Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds.

“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”

He calls one of his men over.

“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”

Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but go jump off a cliff!”

“See? Now THAT takes some real guts!”
 

RGrew176

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A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my behind to jail, ’cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”
 

RGrew176

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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! Reeling from the shock,

I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat:

Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!
 

RGrew176

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A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.

“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my a**!” she responded
 

RGrew176

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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for laying the deceased robin to rest.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity, intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.”
 

RGrew176

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter, buries his face in the bag and pulls out a list and some money and, using his mouth, “hands” it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling “Grrrrr”.

The clerk says “fine fine” and adds in the $10 he was trying to shortchange the dog with.

The dog puts everything back in the bag and saunters off.

The man thinks this is very interesting and decides to follow the dog to see what else it will do.

He watches the dog reach a traffic light. Sit and wait for it to say “WALK” before it crosses.

He eventually follows it to a building. It jumps up and presses an apartment number with it its paw.The door buzzes open and the dog goes in. The man sneaks in behind it.

The dog goes to the elevator and pushes the up button with its snout. They both get into the elevator and the dog presses the button for the 8th floor.

Once there, the dog goes to an apartment door and starts scratching.

An older man opens the door and starts shouting at the dog, telling it how stupid it is.

The man who’s just witnessed how amazing this dog is decides to intervene.“Excuse me! But I think you’re being unfair to your dog. This is the most amazing dog I’ve ever seen. I saw it buy groceries for you, check the change it got was right, get all the way back up here and now you’re calling it stupid?”

The old man replies “Well, this is the 3rd time this week this dumbass forgets his keys!”
 

RGrew176

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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the dead man’s apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“No problem – I’ll let him know,” says Goldberg.
 

RGrew176

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A guy and his buddy are getting trashed in a bar when the guy pukes on himself. he gets all upset and explains to his buddy that the last time he went out drinking he puked on himself and his wife got really mad at him.

“No problem” says the buddy “take a 20 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife somebody you didn’t know puked on you and gave you 20 dollars for the cleaning.”

The two of them proceed to get drunker.

When the guy goes home his wife is, as expected, upset.

“You barfed all over yourself!” said the wife.

“No I have not, some guy puked on me and gave me 20 dollars to clean my shirt! and its right here in my pocket!”

The wife puts her hand in the guys shirt pocket and pulls out two 20 dollar bills.

“Hey, you have 40 dollars in your shirt pocket?!?! says the wife.

“Yeah, he crapped my pants too!”
 

RGrew176

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English is a great language for puns and word games, and as we’ve said before, we’re suckers for puns so bad that they are so good! Enjoy the following jokes, they made us laugh our socks off!

A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A dentist and a manicurist married – they fought tooth and nail.

A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all-right now.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said “No change yet”.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet SMELL and their noses RUN.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
 

RGrew176

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Here are some words of advice and comfort for all you ladies out there. Get ready to do what you do best: laugh your heart out!

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something – suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind – but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 

RGrew176

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An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”

Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”

She (Old Lady): “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”

He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”

She: “$180,000 Please.” (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)

The bank president was a bit surprised. “How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”

She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”

He: “What kind of bets?”

She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”

The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.

She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”

Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.

It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.

The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.

She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”

He: “Yes. Go ahead.”

She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.

Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.

The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behavior.

Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
 

RGrew176

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Tommy Cooper was a British comedian and magician, and well known for both. His stage presence often seemed chaotic and bumbling, but his shows were always perfectly choreographed to give that impression. In fact, he had an unbelievable sense of timing, for both tricks and jokes.

In a 2005 poll The Comedians’ Comedian, Cooper was voted the sixth greatest comedy act ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He is commonly cited as one of the best comedians of all time, with several polls placing him at number one.

Cooper performed literally to the end of his life, dying on stage in front of millions of viewers, while he was, still, performing at the age of 63, doing what he loved to do – making people laugh.

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse!

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.

I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
Lengthwise?

She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
 

RGrew176

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Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days afterward, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc – ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”’

The doctor shakes his head and says, "No, I told you, 'You have a heart murmur, be careful!'"
 
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RGrew176

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little ones name is Kevin!”
 
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RGrew176

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A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner.

“The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I’m super busy at work right now.”

The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing – on a tightrope! Can you imagine?”

“Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time.”

The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha.

The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose.

“Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”

Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.

The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend.

“Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won’t be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
 

RGrew176

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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
 

RGrew176

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Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they’ve never been there before.
 

RGrew176

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While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
 

Old Ironmaker

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Bob and his 3 buddies have been playing the same golf course for the past 40 years every Wednesday morning at 8 AM rain or shine, never once missing a round, ever. Walking up the 3rd fairway a long funeral procession comes along and Bob takes of his hat and puts his right hand over his heart. The boys look at Bob and follow suit. Once the procession passes Ted asks Bob, "Hey Pal I've never seen you do that, ever, what's up?" " Bob tells Ted "Oh man I have to have some respect after all I was married to her for 52 years."

Joe tells his wife he is going to the Federal office to apply for his old age pension. He returns a while latter and Dora says to Bob "What a waste of time Mr. you left your I.D. at home." Joe says "No problem I got it." Dora says "How, without I.D. no way." Joe tells her "I took off my hat and showed her my bald head and with what little hair I have is pure white, she said sorry Sir, I can't accept that so I unbuttoned my shirt and showed her the white hair on my chest and she said O.K. Sir you must be 65, sign here." Dora says to Joe without lifting her head from the newspaper, "You should have dropped your drawers you would have got a disability pension."

(The above is one of two jokes my Dad ever told me. I told it at his wake in early May, he passed 4 days after his 92nd birthday, in his sleep.)
 

RGrew176

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A Californian winery managed to create a new type of wine by crossing Pinot Blanc with Pinot Grigot.

As a side effect, it reduces the number of times people need to get up to pee during the night.

It is being marketed in retirement homes around the world as Pinot More!
 
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