Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find.

The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off.

The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off.

The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!"

And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man playing golf by himself at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.

"So did I" he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough.

?The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!? he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, ?Hooray!?
 

hosteter

Petty Officer 2nd Class
Joined
Oct 29, 2015
Messages
114
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn?t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn?t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don?t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn?t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"
 

hosteter

Petty Officer 2nd Class
Joined
Oct 29, 2015
Messages
114
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

Mod EDIT: Hos, please remember this a family friendly forum, and dont use foul language.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

?Say,? Peter said, ?How?s it going?? ?Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what?s today?s date??

?July seventh.?

?Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.?

?Let me guess,? Peter interrupted. ?You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.? ?Right.?

?And he won!? Peter sighed.

?No. He came in seventh.?



 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.

?Yeah,? said Rob, ?would you marry someone who didn?t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up??

?No way in hell? said the bartender.

?Well, said Rob, ?neither would my fianc?e.?
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Son: Dad You Are My Hero.

Dad: Really!

Son: Yes.

Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?

Dad: Well, Yes.

Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, ?Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.?

?Yes,? replied the man. ?My card was stolen over a month ago.?

?Why didn?t you report your card as stolen?? asked the card company representative.

The man replied, ?Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!?
 

Tim Frank

Vice Admiral
Joined
Jul 29, 2008
Messages
5,333
[h=2]Where to Live After Retirement[/h] Once Americans aren't tied down to a particular place to accommodate a job, or good schools for their kids, they often decide to pull up stakes and decide Where to Live After Retirement.
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
2. You think Central Park is a "nature area".
3. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with fewer than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid legal defense.
4. Everyone has two first names -- Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
Or You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. ?I may look like just an ordinary man,? he said to her, ?but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I?ll inherit his large fortune.?

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe?s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"

The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

?But we do not pay taxes,? the priest said.

?It isn?t you, Father, it?s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of $15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth??

The priest smiled broadly. ?The check hasn?t arrived yet, but I?m sure I?ll have it when I remind dear Sean.?
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
An Antartian goes into a souvenir shop and asks the man at the counter if he has any alligator skin shoes.

The man said, "Yes, right over there on the shelf."

He walks over to the shelf and then back to the counter where the shop owner was sitting and says, "The shoes cost too much."

The shop owner says, "Well, go and see if you can find some cheaper."

The Antartian leaves the store.

The shop owner, on his way home, notices a dead alligator by the swamp. He pulls over, walks to the swamp and notices the Antartian standing in the middle of the swamp. The man asks him what he is doing in the swamp; about that time the shop owner sees a giant alligator coming up behind the Antartian.

The alligator and the man go under the water. The Antartian comes up and drags the alligator to the shore. He looks at the alligator's feet and says, "This one doesn't have any shoes either."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said, "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him, "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"

He said, "Sure, I don?t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"

"Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to get rid of it."

She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?"

He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."
 

RGrew176

Commander
Joined
Mar 20, 2002
Messages
2,088
A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.

The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.


The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn?t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo." To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
 
Top