Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

?I have always heard that you can?t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,? he said. ?I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.?

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, ?I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.?

The doctor then said, ?I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.?

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, ?Gentlemen, I?m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don?t see how you could dare to go against that man?s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.?

 

[RGrew176]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, ?It?s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.?

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, ?Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it?

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.?

He continued, ?Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.?

He continued, ?Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it?all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer?and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!?

 

[RGrew176]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ?Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn?t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I?ve farted at least 20 times since I?ve been here in your office. You didn?t know I was farting because they don?t smell and are silent.?
The doctor says, ?I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.?
The next week the lady comes back.
?Doctor,? she says, ?I don?t know what you gave me, but now my farts?although still silent?stink terribly.?
The doctor says, ?Good! Now that we?ve cleared up your sinuses, let?s work on your hearing.?

 

[RGrew176]

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, ?Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject??

Professor, ?Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!?

Student, ?Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ?A? for the exam.?

Professor, ?Okay, it?s a deal. So what is the question??

Student: ?What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal??

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ?A?, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, ?Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife?s lover an ?A?, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

 

[RGrew176]

A Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order:

New Bird

Neighbor Bird

Old Bird

Upstairs Bird

Insurance Bird

College Bird

Super market Bird

Finally she checks her name and it was saved as...

Angry Bird.

 

[RGrew176]

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good?mostly A?s and a couple of B?s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.

Sally?s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

 

[RGrew176]

103 passengers and only 40 meals got loaded on a INDIA to US flight.

The Airline had messed up, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant has an idea. About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announces, "I don't know how this happened but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/ her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "If anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available!"

 

[RGrew176]

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."

 

[RGrew176]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

 

[RGrew176]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

 

[RGrew176]

A fella walks into a bar...

Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog poop just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

Another man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The first guy turns to the new guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

 

[RGrew176]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

 

[RGrew176]

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:

Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.

Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.

Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.

Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

 

[RGrew176]

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, ?I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.?

 

[jbcurt00]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
.
.
.
.
.
Roamin' Catholic

 

[RGrew176]

Two old buddies went fishing and one lost his dentures over the side of the boat in rough weather, so his prankster friend removed his own false teeth, tied them on his line and pretended he had caught the missing gnashers.

Unhooking the teeth, his grateful mate tried to put them into his mouth, then hurled them into the sea with the disgusted remark: ?They?re not mine ? they don?t fit!?

 

[RGrew176]

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."

After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

 

[Barnacle_Bill]

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...










?I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:





A quart of low fat milk
A dozen eggs
A bottle of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A container of coffee
A pound of bacon



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.







While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'





I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.





I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.






Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes, you are correct.



But how on earth did you know that?'






The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly?.




















​

 

[RGrew176]

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits, and falls down on the floor. Wife pulls him up and cleans everything. Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him. He prays that they would not have a fight. He finds a note near the table:

?Honey... your favorite breakfast is ready on the table. I had to leave early to buy groceries. I?ll come running back to you soon my love. I love you.?

Still surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"

Son replies, ?When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt, you were dead drunk and you said? 'HEY LADY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I?M MARRIED!'?

 

[RGrew176]

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."