Losing loved ones to Death

I don't want this to turn into a Religious discussion for rules sake. Just wondering how everyone deals with the deaths of those closest to you? I know it can happen at anytime in our lives but you really start running out of loved ones when you reach 50 plus years old. Some people have small families. Some move away from their families and long time friends. Some have larger families/friends and stick around to keep that close bond going. Boating is my escape from grief but there is a cloud that still hangs over me while boating. The people that make life more bearable and make it worth living, just keep disappearing. I am on a cycle of around every 5 years or so, there is another death. I am shown just how little material things matter--each time. I do know that financial security makes handling death easier. One less thing to worry about. But still, material things are a lot less enjoyable to me during the grief process and even beyond to a certain extent ie one less person on the boat. One less person to share what you do in your life daily. Is that the purpose of death? I know some of you can't relate to this just yet. Maybe this is the reason people have children, so they will have a good reason to keep going on with life? I used to know this 95 year old lady who had lost everyone but her 70+ year old son. She told me regularly how miserable she was. That she was just "existing"... That she was past ready to go because she was lonely
How do you all deal with grief? I am not talking about whether you believe there is life after death. Just how you deal with missing someone in the here and now?

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Keep the "religious" discussion out of this is easy, but the way of life and how my faith helps is a different story. I have had more than my share of this the last couple of years. Seems I am always officiating or going to a funeral of someone close. I leave in an hour for another one, early 60's, died suddenly of an apparent heart attack. I had been counseling he and his wife in several different areas over the last couple of years.

Anyway, on January 30th my best friend and co-worker was killed in a car crash at the age of 42. I have been counseling his widow since and last week she told me the best advice I had given her was that the death and his life would always be a big part of who she was. There would always be a sense of loss. However, if you keep focusing on what you have lost you will live in a dark hole. But look at the things around you. Look at what you have. Look at the family and friends that are still with you, and the others that will become close friends. Look at the health and abilities you do have. Kind of looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. What we focus on is where we go. Why do you think the coach always tells his runners to keep focused on the finish line, not on the competitors behind them.

I would also say it is important to talk about it. To shed a tear if need be. Don't be "macho" and try to hold everything in and be strong. Better to be real!

Then there is the faith issue, which helps a great deal during times like this. If you want to know more about that side of the equation, PM me, I will be happy to respond.

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I have been very lucky in my life to live for 46 years without losing a loved one until my mother died in January. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or instinctively reach for the phone to call her and tell her about my day. Only to pause for a moment and realize shes not there. It is even harder when I call my dad and get his VM with her still on the message.

But even when she died, I realized that what was happening was natural. It was sad that it happened, but just as birth happens so does death. And at 83, it is not a complete surprise. She led a long and eventful, fruitful life. And left with us kids who she was embodied in us. My dad is 85 and is having a hard time. He has nothing to do and his days are pretty empty. He also has some depression issues. We are there to help him, but ultimatley he needs to engage or not. We have worked with him, made suggestions, but he needs to make a choice. Lay down or stay with us.

Happiness and contentment in life will never be found in material things. Look at all the miserable rich people. It is about what meaning you put into it. Easier said than done, but I hope I can follow that advice once my kids grow and leave and I find myself in the same place as my dad.

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I'm 68 years old and just about everybody has died except one older brother. Everybody dies, some sooner, some later, so I try to treat all the folks near or dear to me with love, and as though they may be gone soon, because they may!

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Very interesting and helpful comments so far. I have had 3 family sudden deaths. 2 0f which I have felt guilty over not seeing the illness symptoms and advising them to get to a doctor or hospital. Ya hindsight is 20-20 and their health is their responsibility. Still doesn't stop me from going round and round with guilt and what could have happened if they got to a doctor soon enough. Amazing how we may have ticking time bomb in us and never know it or ignore the warning signs. Oh I am ok, all I need is a nap...... A nap of what could be no return.
How, where and why someone goes is very important in the survivors grieving length, I have found out

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Both of my parents expressed a desire to go several years before they went. He was 84 and suffered from senility, she was 89 and in more or less constant misery. When they went, in their turn, I was more relieved than grieved. They both had strong faith that they would be reunited with many loved ones who had gone before. Any tear that I shed was for my own loss, not theirs.

When my sister died after a short, terrible illness I was devastated. I think it was because we weren't as close as I would have liked and it suddenly became too late to do anything about it.

When close friends and boyhood companions died in war I accepted their (and my) fate as part of what we offered our country. I never questioned the fairness of it. They knew that I loved them and took that knowledge to their graves. I have tried to honor their love by carrying it to new generations.

Like Bubba, I have lived a full life. I have populated the earth with 4 children, 8 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren (so far). They are wonderful human beings and I am proud to a fault that I view them as my immortality.

I make sure that those I love know it without the slightest doubt. When my time comes I will not complain.

When I lose a loved one now I do not grieve for more than a few hours. Death is often more of a blessing than a curse.

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I figure that they are in a much better place than I, and I will be reunited soon

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Just this morning I was sitting in a meeting next to a relatively young woman who lost her husband to cancer a few years ago and I remember thinking - how does one ever get over that and go on with things as mundane as going to work and sitting in meetings discussing stuff that won't make an iota of difference to anyone in five years. I can't imagine it. The only thing more difficult would be the death of a child. How one even gets out of bed after THAT kind of blow I do not know.

And this weekend I was at my mother's place and caught sight of her trying to find something or other in her kitchen. There was just something about the way she was moving and it hit me quite suddenly that she seemed old and frail. She's "only" 75 but I suddenly realized she's not going to be around forever. That will be a terrible day.

So, I guess, I've got no answers. Those with strong faith have something to hold on to I suppose but I'm not in that camp.

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I have lost so many in the last few years, and it has been very difficult, but I have no answer for you, we are going to loose those closest to us and one day they are going to loose us! Keep it all in perspective, shed a tear when you need to, and cherish the time you had with them, that is the best advise I can give.

Good luck in your struggle and I can say, it never leaves you, but it does get better.

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My Dad was 75 when he passed last Nov. The past couple of months things have been getting easier, but I still catch myself setting out a coffee cup for him in the mornings. He would stop by every morning for a cup. Fathers day is gonna be rough.

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Yea, my latest was my Sister. Sorry for your loss JB and everybody else.
I talk to her a couple of days before her health went down hill. Ok on Tuesday (or so we thought) and gone by Friday night. 53 years old. A lot of times one illnesses can mask a more serious problem. She was not in the best of health but her other problems didn't seem to be life threatening. I guess they weakened her enough to let the real killer do its job.
The unfairness of it all. Some don't make it past being a baby and some people make it to being 100+ years old. I do thinking being 90+ would be a curse of sorts. Most if all of your friends and relatives are gone. You are too old to do the things you like to do. Depending on others. Many health problems. Just existing because of a primitive survival instinct. Many 90+ year old's I talk to say they are past ready to go time

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Two months ago today, I lost my wife of 40 years, 6 months, and 18 days due to a stroke compounded by additional health ailments. I still grieve and expect to for some time. Her loss has left a hole in my heart and soul that may never be healed. My Mom and father, although gone now for quite some time, were near and dear but the grief I feel now is much greater. Many people have told me “I know how you feel”, but they don’t. I have drawn some inspiration from an apolitical, emotional speech I heard several weeks ago.

Joe Biden was addressing the TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar. He related his experience with losing his wife and one-year-old daughter in an auto accident in 1972 in Delaware. Both his sons were seriously injured, but survived. Joe himself was in Washington when it happened. One sentence in that speech remains with me: “There will come a day…I promise you, and your parents, as well…when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye.”

I haven’t reached that time yet.

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BoatBuoy said:

Two months ago today, I lost my wife of 40 years, 6 months, and 18 days due to a stroke compounded by additional health ailments. I still grieve and expect to for some time. Her loss has left a hole in my heart and soul that may never be healed. My Mom and father, although gone now for quite some time, were near and dear but the grief I feel now is much greater. Many people have told me “I know how you feel”, but they don’t. I have drawn some inspiration from an apolitical, emotional speech I heard several weeks ago.

Joe Biden was addressing the TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar. He related his experience with losing his wife and one-year-old daughter in an auto accident in 1972 in Delaware. Both his sons were seriously injured, but survived. Joe himself was in Washington when it happened. One sentence in that speech remains with me: “There will come a day…I promise you, and your parents, as well…when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye.”

I haven’t reached that time yet.

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Oh man that is a tough loss. Sorry to hear that. I lost my wife suddenly too a good many years back. Took me over a year and 1/2 to move on. Many never get over that type loss. Just eventually learn to cope with it and get on with life. Nobody knows how you feel because it is a very personal and isolating event

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Yesterday at the Costco here, an 81 year old man sitting in his car, apparently kind of in the way, either challenged or was challenged to a fight with a 70 year old. The older guy goes to hit the younger one with his cane, and they both go down. The 81 year old dies on the spot.
Tough on the survivors?

Anyway, I think of several friends and relatives everyday. Not with tears, but a smile, when I'm doing something they would enjoy or approve of. Wish they were all still here.

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This may sound kind of cold, but I accepted the fact that friends and love ones will come and go my entire life. Some will move on for personal reasons others by death. It’s a fact of life that is undeniable.

When death come knocking on my door, I accept it, grieve (recognize the individual for their contribution to my life), then move on. No amount of personal self pity or remorse will change the outcome. Both are water under bridge at this point. Reconcile and move on with your life.

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Boatbouy, you have my sympathy, thoughts, and prayers, as do the rest of you that are still struggling with loss.

We all face and deal with death differently, I guess the bottom line is that we deal with it in a manner that allows us to heal and grow.

You can tell this is a sensitive topic that touches all of us in one way or another by the number of views vs posts of this thread. It is definitely one of the most unpleasant necessities of life. But we can be thankful that the deceased was a loved one and brought joy to our lives for a season. The other option is to live a lonely, unfulfilled life with no personal contact or interaction. The fact that it hurts is a sign that we meant something to someone else, and they meant something to us.

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dingbat said:

This may sound kind of cold, but I accepted the fact that friends and love ones will come and go my entire life. Some will move on for personal reasons others by death. It’s a fact of life that is undeniable.

When death come knocking on my door, I accept it, grieve (recognize the individual for their contribution to my life), then move on. No amount of personal self pity or remorse will change the outcome. Both are water under bridge at this point. Reconcile and move on with your life.

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Yea that is cold hearted. You probably don't get invited to many funerals. I have never met anyone who reacted to others loss like that. Probably get punched in the nose if you said that to some grieving person face to face LOL

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DayCruiser said:

Yea that is cold hearted. You probably don't get invited to many funerals. I have never met anyone who reacted to others loss like that. Probably get punched in the nose if you said that to some grieving person face to face LOL

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I tend to agree with dingbat.

Grieving is natural and part of the death process for humans. Making grief a way of life, not so much.

Everybody handles it differently. Personally I like the express lane for grieving, myself. Life needs to move on - at least for me.

You mentioned the miserable old lady - just existing. IMO, she had let the loss of her mate, define the rest of her life, certainly unhealthy and probably the exact opposite, of what her dead husband, would have wanted for her.

My mother has outlived two husbands, now with a third, continuing to enjoying life. They now attend funerals nearly weekly, of good friends and close family passing on, from disease and/or old age. It is almost a social event for seniors. Certain is sad for the immediate family, but usually they have been ill for some time, so everybody has already made their "peace".

Certainly those who have lost loved one's unexpectantly, to accidents, disease, or crime, would grieve differently.

When I die, I hope there is beer, sandwiches, old photographs and lot of laughter, reminiscing over all of the stupid and great things I have done in my life.

Ok to shed a few tears also.

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mscher said:

I tend to agree with dingbat.

Grieving is natural and part of the death process for humans. Making grief a way of life, not so much.

Everybody handles it differently. Personally I like the express lane for grieving, myself. Life needs to move on - at least for me.

You mentioned the miserable old lady - just existing. IMO, she had let the loss of her mate, define the rest of her life, certainly unhealthy and probably the exact opposite, of what her dead husband, would have wanted for her.

My mother has outlived two husbands, now with a third, continuing to enjoying life. They now attend funerals nearly weekly, of good friends and close family passing on, from disease and/or old age. It is almost a social event for seniors. Certain is sad for the immediate family, but usually they have been ill for some time, so everybody has already made their "peace".

Certainly those who have lost loved one's unexpectantly, to accidents, disease, or crime, would grieve differently.

When I die, I hope there is beer, sandwiches, old photographs and lot of laughter, reminiscing over all of the stupid and great things I have done in my life.

Ok to shed a few tears also.

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Oh no, I am not endorsing making grief a way of life. But many go through every stage of grief. That can take over a year. After the first couple of stages there should be improvement in your mental out look toward what happened. A person should start feeling better. If a person doesn't start feeling better then they may be suffering from Depression. Dingbat called the entire process a form of "self pity". You first sentence didn't agree with that at all. No one is talking about wallowing in grief for ever. Each person is different and the stages may take a different amount of time for that reason. It is healthy to go through all stages and also healthy to skip some. But not to go through any, may cause you mental problems later on. Really, this is a individual thing. I just wouldn't put down others for doing what comes naturally in life. The key here is to watch out for Clinical Depression settling in.
Grief period may be complicated by the history of your mental state and/or the how close the relationship was to the deceased ie living with them, married? etc. The timing of death and/or the circumstances death ie sudden, long term illness, preventable, suicide etc.
Ya a lot of old people continue to enjoy life. Some get depressed and kill themselves. Not all people handle things the same way. I didn't say all old people get tired of living. I just pointed out one ladies frustration at still being alive while many of her loved ones were gone

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DayCruiser said:

Yea that is cold hearted. You probably don't get invited to many funerals. I have never met anyone who reacted to others loss like that. Probably get punched in the nose if you said that to some grieving person face to face LOL

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When you get phones call like your best friend just blew his head off with a shot gun at age 16 and a call from a frantic daughter that your 4 year old granddaughter was just pulled from the family pool dead, you harden up a bit. You learn put things into perspective and you move on with your life.

Then there is the alternative. I stood by and watched my grandfather waste away to nothing because refused to continue his life after grandma passed away. Self pity and selfishness took his life. He was my grandfather and mentor growing up. I love and respected him more than my own father, but I’ll never forgive him for being that selfish.

FWIW: From Websters:

Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it.