Kicking myself (Sad story)

My wife lost a nephew late last week (funeral today) that was only 23 years old. He and his friends stopped at a pizza place for a late night snack after having been clubing and when they walked out a car pulled up and shot him twice and he died in trasport to the hospital, he was only 23 years old.

There has been a lot of specuation as to what the real motivation was and we may never know but the truth is this kid was no angel and had his run ins with the law. The thing I am having a hard time dealing with is he really was a good kid but never had a father figure to guide him into adulthood and I kick myself for not having been a bigger part of his life. I can't help but feel that if I had this could have been avoided. The fact is, I wish I had asked the juvenile courts to turn him over to me the first time he got in touble (fighting in school) when I had the chance.

Yeah, I'm in a funk...

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Don't blame yourself, Bubba. The man was 23, old enough to recognize right and wrong and to stay out of danger and trouble.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Awful sorry to hear about that!...seems a lot of our youth is gettin' in trouble, hurt, killed, drugs, wrecks, whatever!...I have a family full of this stuff and it really hurts the moms, dads, uncles, brothers, everybody. I know my wife never has a moments peace worrying about her 43 year old alcoholic soon...just waiting for that phone to ring to say he's dead or back in jail!....It really sucks!

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Hey Bubba, you are right, it is a sad story. However, kicking yourself is not the answer. Hindsight is 20/20 and we don't know if you would have had the effect on him that you think you might have. The past is just that, the past. It cannot be changed. However, today is a gift (maybe that is why it is called the PRESENT?)! You can take what you have learned from the past and use it today and tomorrow. Maybe there is another kid that you can mentor? Maybe they are family, maybe not.

There are lots of "do overs" I wish I could have, but I must make the best of each day. Hang in their, Bubba, we feel your pain, we are sorry you and your family have to go through this, but it is not your fault. As JB said, he was old enough to know right from wrong. He is the one that made the choices he made.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

So sorry for your loss.
Have you considered becoming a court appointed special advocate? You can really do a lot of good there.
http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Sorry to hear of that Bubba. I grew up IN Detroit, and while I never got caught up in it - it was close by most of the time. It's tragic at any age, and difficult for anyone to come through. My condolences.

At the same time ... I'm sure you could have done more. I'm thinking you're even the type of guy who coulda' dedicated a substantial portion of his time to working really hard to change the life of this fella'. But there are a couple of things at work here though. First, ultimately no matter how much you "should have" done, none of it would have been things he didn't have available to him already. He didn't make the effort to engage the help that wasn't forced on him. Second, no matter what effort all the kings horses and all the kings men put behind changing this guy ... he was the one who would have to do the heavy lifting. There are no guarantees of anything.

Use your regrets wisely. Let them motivate you to do things you feel inclined to do in the future, and do them well. Don't let them eat away at you, chip away at your fortitude or make you feel like a complete waste. I'm sure others in your life will tell you that you're none of those things.

Best wishes.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Sorry to hear about your loss, Bubba. Trust me, I know how you're feeling right now.

Sad to say, I've had more than one instance in my life where a young person died unnaturally and I was left feeling that I could have done something to prevent it. In retrospect, it's not clear I could have had any influence, but it doesn't stop me from speculating. Folks close to the situations have more or less convinced me I couldn't have done anything, but I don't know. It doesn't quite go away but I'm more or less at peace.

I've seen enough of your posts to know you have great strength of character. Still, I'm going to say, don't let it eat you up, bud. You can't solve everything.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you would have taken him fishin if he would have been interested. Some younsters just don't want to hang with us older folk. Things happen for a bigger reason than any of us know. Its still been rough getting over the loss of my co-worker. Of course all of the brain rattleing doesn't do anything except frustrate me. Don't let that happen to you even know it is hard to do.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

As JB. So sorry to hear of this though.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

aspeck said:

Hey Bubba, you are right, it is a sad story. However, kicking yourself is not the answer. Hindsight is 20/20 and we don't know if you would have had the effect on him that you think you might have. The past is just that, the past. It cannot be changed. However, today is a gift (maybe that is why it is called the PRESENT?)! You can take what you have learned from the past and use it today and tomorrow. Maybe there is another kid that you can mentor?

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erwinner said:

So sorry for your loss.
Have you considered becoming a court appointed special advocate? You can really do a lot of good there.
http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm

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Bad deal. My heart goes out to you and your family. Knowing you here you are a man of strong character. As mentioned above their is nothing else you can do except feel guilty which is normal. If you feel you must make amends go help some other kid.
Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a great one too.

Peace.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

^^^^^^^ AMEN & AMEN ^^^^^^

Well said, sir. And no slight against single moms doing their best out there, either.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

I understand, really.
It's what you do now that matters.

Re: Kicking myself (Sad story)

Bubba1235 said:

Some good news, they arrested two men and have charged them with his murder. Indications are that it was a gang initiation of a 17 year old and the murder was random. (They stopped a half a block away and shot into the group of people.)

Have to say it, the idea that this was nothing more than a gang initiation is sicking to me at the deepest level and if its true I hope they put him in a prison cell with a guy that weighs 260 lbs and really LIKES young boys, for the rest of his hopefully short life!

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We can only hope that. Too bad hollywood teaches kids that being a gangster is cool