How to talk about dying???

Up front, neither I or the wife are in any trouble, we have our health for the most part. But we are at the age when "anything" could happen as has been shown to us with friends our age passing away.

My wife and I had a will drawn up 20 years ago or so and basically it said the survivor gets everything and if both of us go at the same time it goes to the kids. Things have change, the kids are grown and doing well on their own and the wife and I's belongings and wealth (such as it is) has changed too. At least to the point we need to sit down and really look at everything and how we want things to go when the time comes. In particular I need to look at what to do with my business interests as they effect many people outside our family.

The problem, I can't get the wife to sit and have a serious conversation. When I bring the subject up she responds saying she doesn't feel like it now, lets talk tomorrow but tomorrow never comes or she makes a joke of it. "I heard you can't take it with you so I'm not going", etc. Bottom line though is we haven't been able to honestly talk about it and it?s a talk that really needs to happen.

So for you guys that are at that age and have been married two or three decades, how have you handled this? Was your wife reluctant to discuss it? How did you broach the subject? it seems it was much easier to talk about 20 years ago when dying was a far off thing that would happen "someday".

Re: How to talk about dying???

You need separate wills. As much as you may think of yourselves as a single entity that is not the case.

Tell her you are going to make a will and think she ought to do the same. You will welcome any advice she has and would be glad to advise her on hers.

You should both involve an attorney.

Re: How to talk about dying???

With the LLC's you actually need more than just wills, you need a trust also. I work in this profession and the outcome of having outdated or no will and trust is really not pretty and will cost your remaining family a lot of your hard earned money. You should be able to get your wife to come around by letting her know that you need new Power of Attorneys for Healthcare and Property in the event one you is disabled or unable to make your own decisions. HIPPA has seriously changed in the last several years and old POA's will not cover what you need. The POA's are not about death but living and you can move on from there.

Re: How to talk about dying???

It's really hard to get someone else to do this type of thing when the prefer to dodge the issue for whatever reason. NOTHING brings out the worst in family than unsettled matters of an estate- seemingly reasonable people get greedy and turn evil. I've seen it many, many times, even when the wishes of the deceased were realtivley well spelled out- someone out there always wants to make trouble.
Maybe approach it that way- wouldn't you rather have things settled as much as possible now and minimize the stress on your survivors? It's just good sensible planning, doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. Good luck on your quest.

Re: How to talk about dying???

The wife and I are mid to late 60's also, so all this tends to float through our minds also, and not a happy subject, BUT remind her if you folks don't decide about this, then probate, IRS, some undeserving family member, or other less than desirable individual may end up getting all or part of your hard-earned family treasures,real estate, money, jewelry, whatever. If you're short on good family members, then leave some to your Church, Shriner's Hospitals, Charity of your choice, etc., but at least YOU get to decide! Good Luck!

Re: How to talk about dying???

Well here was our wake up call. My 80 yr. old mother was much like the OP's wife, never wanted to talk much about a living will or a family trust. We were staying with her last summer and I'd promised my sisters I'd get the ball rolling about a will and a trust somehow. I called my attorney and had him e-mail me a basic living will and family trust documents that I could sit her down with and help her understand how easy it really could be and that it's time to adress the issue. I printed them out and left them on the kitchen table for her to read. THE NEXT MORNING we hear a thump and find my mother on the floor. She suffered a stroke. Thankfully with the new drugs out there if they are administered in time, the clot in the brian can be dissolved with a good chance of substantial recovery. Fun and games with the hospital ensues. Now starts the scramble to find her medical records, her insurance paperwork, does she have a living will, who has power of attorney, etc. We had nothing in hand, and spent days getting it put together. Fortunately she's made a 95% recovery through hard work, rehab, and some very impressive doctors.
We now have in place a living will, a family trust, a chain of power of attorney, a full medical record archive and an assignment of assets and savings. What a hard way to learn how important it is to have all of this in order.

Re: How to talk about dying???

dockwrecker said:

Well here was our wake up call. My 80 yr. old mother was much like the OP's wife, never wanted to talk much about a living will or a family trust. We were staying with her last summer and I'd promised my sisters I'd get the ball rolling about a will and a trust somehow. I called my attorney and had him e-mail me a basic living will and family trust documents that I could sit her down with and help her understand how easy it really could be and that it's time to adress the issue. I printed them out and left them on the kitchen table for her to read. THE NEXT MORNING we hear a thump and find my mother on the floor. She suffered a stroke. Thankfully with the new drugs out there if they are administered in time, the clot in the brian can be dissolved with a good chance of substantial recovery. Fun and games with the hospital ensues. Now starts the scramble to find her medical records, her insurance paperwork, does she have a living will, who has power of attorney, etc. We had nothing in hand, and spent days getting it put together. Fortunately she's made a 95% recovery through hard work, rehab, and some very impressive doctors.
We now have in place a living will, a family trust, a chain of power of attorney, a full medical record archive and an assignment of assets and savings. What a hard way to learn how important it is to have all of this in order.

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