Biting my tongue HARD.

Ok, so a friend invited us to his wedding this morning and we went. He is 52 and lost his wife to cancer 3 years or so ago. He married a 49 year old woman, he is her 4th. husband. The woman is a straight up gold digger and a blankity, blank, blank (Umm, friendly to all the bar patrons) and it was ALL I could do to keep my mouth shut when asked "If any one knows just cause...."

Yeah, several of his frineds and both of his sons tried to talk to him but it wasn't happening. He said, "Who else would want an old farmer like me"?

Nothing to do but bite my tongue, HARD. Anyone else ever have to do the same?

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

You tried. Friends tried. Keep biting the tongue if you value the friendship, and be there when he figures it out for himself.


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Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Me personally, I dont bite my tounge very often. (Probably why a lot of people get annoyed with me), anyway I can understand where you are coming from. I have a friend that I grew up with his soon to be ex wife has been screwing him over for years. Even now he doesnt want to see it even though she has come out and told him she has been seeing another guy for the last two years. I've tried to tell him in the past that she was bad news. All that did was strain our friendship and I didnt really get to hang out with him for several years. Even with that I still feel ok with trying to warn him back then. Basically IMHO it doesnt matter if you tell him or not he is going to have to go down his own road and make his own mistakes. It comes down to your own feelings as to what you think is best for your peace of mind.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Love is blind............ just support your friend even if you feel he is making a bad decision......... time will tell.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Bubba1235 said:

Anyone else ever have to do the same?

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Yep, but he made it even harder by asking me to be his best man.

I was a little too young to speak my mind.

4 years, 2 kids, and about 4 boyfriends later, she left him.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Smuggler's Blues said:

Me personally, I dont bite my tounge very often. (Probably why a lot of people get annoyed with me), anyway I can understand where you are coming from. I have a friend that I grew up with his soon to be ex wife has been screwing him over for years. Even now he doesnt want to see it even though she has come out and told him she has been seeing another guy for the last two years. I've tried to tell him in the past that she was bad news. All that did was strain our friendship and I didnt really get to hang out with him for several years. Even with that I still feel ok with trying to warn him back then. Basically IMHO it doesnt matter if you tell him or not he is going to have to go down his own road and make his own mistakes. It comes down to your own feelings as to what you think is best for your peace of mind.

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You are right, to each his own. By the way, just so you know you haven't failed, I am annoyed with you already and I don't even know you!

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I was best man, and even told my friend to run like hell.

Oh, well. Now divorced, three kids paying child support on, etc.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I have a feeling he knows what he's getting into and is willing to take a chance. At 52 he has to make his own decisions.

I have a buddy the same age who has fallen hard for someone. Haven't met her yet, but his brother told me he's going way too fast. Sounds like it to me too. They've been dating since last fall and are supposed to move in together this fall. She's going to leave the big city and live in the bush. He has 2 kids, 15/13 and been divorced for about 5/6 years. It appears he's interested in anybody that has a pulse. He was hitting one of those dating sites for awhile. I think he really wants adult companionship. We'll see how long it takes for a ring to make it's appearance.... I'm guessing, not very....

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Well you never know, My current wife I am married to and have been for 25 years this June was married to 4 before me, give him the benefit of the doubt and be happy for him, it is not up to you to relieve his pain, if he is happy, then there is not much more to say!

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I lost my first wife to cancer in 1994 after 32 years of marriage. I was 56 at the time. Made some really bad decisions when it came to relationships with women because of grief and because I hated being alone. Would I have listened if anyone had tried to warn me? Not bloody likely! Luckily, I didn't marry any of my mistakes, but did come close once. Much too close for comfort.

The best thing you can do is stick by your buddy and be there when he needs you. The second best thing you can do is to NOT refer to, or remind him of, the fact that he did something stupid if the whole thing does blow up in his face.

Eventually I did meet a woman who I got along well with and I did remarry. There were a number of people who were skeptical about this marriage too. But my present wife and I have been happily married for almost 14 years. We're glad to have each other. Maybe your buddy will have the same good fortune.

Oh yeah, My wife had been married four times before she met me. She says it just took her five tries to finally get it right. I say I've been lucky enough to have been married to two great women in my life.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Well, I think maybe a couple of you can see the world as a 52 year old widower who likes being married. Being alone after years in a marriage is awful, really awful. Being a 49 year old single woman who wants a family life is pretty bad, too.

I suspect that both of them are really glad to have one, last chance (maybe not, but they may see it that way) at a life partnership. If they are grateful for each other, which they may be, give them your support and encouragement.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Is she hot?? At 49, she could still be hot. It may be worthwhile.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Bubba1235 said:

He is 52 and lost his wife to cancer 3 years or so ago. He married a 49 year old woman

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This seems to be the thing men do. Not much anyone can do or say about it either. My dad did the same thing. I'm not a fan. The best part is when they want you to carry on like nothing's changed.....just like they're attempting to do

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Love / lust / lonelyness will alway blind a man.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I can see how being alone would be hard after having a partner that long.

But if adult companionship is what he's after, there are ways that can be accomplished easier, cheaper, and with less headache. I'm just sayin'...

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

Your a good friend.
But if he's happy, let him be.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

JB said:

Well, I think maybe a couple of you can see the world as a 52 year old widower who likes being married. Being alone after years in a marriage is awful, really awful. Being a 49 year old single woman who wants a family life is pretty bad, too.

I suspect that both of them are really glad to have one, last chance (maybe not, but they may see it that way) at a life partnership. If they are grateful for each other, which they may be, give them your support and encouragement.

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Been there (well, a 50-year-old widower, anyway), done that, have the tear-stained tee shirt. Losing a spouse can have a way of refocusing your priorities. Good post, JB.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I was in the same situation with my best friend. I told him that I felt he was making a big mistake but I went on to say that it is your mistake to make. I also said that If this is the person you want to marry I will support both you and her to the end.

She got cold feet shortly before the wedding and bailed on him.

After the fact he told me how much it meant to him that...
A) I didn't hide my feelings from him. In his words that is what makes me a true friend.

B) I accepted her with an open heart even though I felt she was no good for him. Basically he didn't have to choose between his friends and his wife.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

ezmobee said:

This seems to be the thing men do. Not much anyone can do or say about it either. My dad did the same thing. I'm not a fan. The best part is when they want you to carry on like nothing's changed.....just like they're attempting to do

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What is wrong with having a younger wife? I'm 53 and my wife of 23 years is 48 and still lookin goood.

Re: Biting my tongue HARD.

I would add to RBH's the three Ls that they sometimes also ruin or kill a man.If he's happy,and none of her 4 husbands died mysteriously w large life insurance policiesI wouldnt worry. See how it goes from here.You maybe wrong or right.Nobody is perfect for anyone IMO, though alot seem to want that in a spouse! If two people enjoy each others company,thats OK.If she's as bad as you think for your friend, he'll probably come to his senses one day.Give them a chance.