Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

In my real work (factory control and automation) I have a good friend that also owns his own business in the same field. He has been in business about twelve years and we have always had a good working relationship and have helped each other out many times over the years. We have even partnered on large jobs and even "loaned" each other an employee here and there when needed.

Last year he married and his new wife became his office manager. Yesterday my forman came to me and said he and the rest of the guys will not work with my friends company any longer because the new wife is a complete "B" and treats everyone like dirt. He also gave me the names of three employes of the other company that have told him they would like to quit and come to work with us. (Three of his top guys.) Through the grapevine I've heard several clients have dropped his company (we picked up one) and it all revolves around his new wife and her attitude. To put it bluntly, she is killing the business he has sweated his behind off to build and if if it doesn't change he won't be in business.

Make no mistake, I am a businessman and competition is competition but we are far enough apart (location wise) we really don't compete for business. (He is west coast.) I plan to try and talk to him but I can not find any "good way" to approach it. He will be in my area over the weekend and we plan to get together Friday night and attend a seminar over the weekend so the opportunity to talk is there. Just not certain of how to even approach the topic much less tell him his new wife is causing all these problems.

Any thoughts? And yes, I would very much like to keep him as a friend and business associate. Why in the world do people think "Don't mix family with business" means everyone but them. Sigh...

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Good greif bubba, I don't know how to get involved with that one. It would almost be easier to photoshop an compromising picture of her and just email it to him.

Good luck on that one man.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Be prepared to lose a friend. I am sure he knows it but will not act on it. I know this from the past. I HAD a best friend that his new wife was a big B and drove almost all the good employees away as well as the customers. I had tried to warn him. I was just jealous and a jerk. I tried to be as politically correct as possible, but to no avail. if you value his friendship, just be there for him at the train wreck. It is coming.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was &^%ing his wife.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

i think i might wait a bit before taking your workers word that she is a problem.
first of all if they work for YOU then they should go do whatever job you tell them to do. if they have a prob with her legitimately tell them you know she can be difficult but every job has it's "bad" days. not their concern really.
as far as his 3 guys wanting to come work for you, do you have their resume's yet? maybe your guy is just trying to start a little something. it happens.
i think i would let your friend run his business and you just happily keep running yours. if his happens to fold because of his wife then so be it. it is neither your fault nor your responsibility to save him.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

IF you decide to bring it up to your friend, i would think you'll want to tread very lightly.

Perhaps approach it as "so I heard your having some troubles over there" or you possibly even something the effect "hey one of your clients came to me, sayings they had a bad experiance, is everything ok"

Just a thought. Its just not a good situation anyway you look at it. You could always send an annonymous letter to the office, tho she may intercept it first.....

bill

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Tim Frank said:

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was &^%ing his wife.

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avenger79 Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

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i think i might wait a bit before taking your workers word that she is a problem.
first of all if they work for YOU then they should go do whatever job you tell them to do. if they have a prob with her legitimately tell them you know she can be difficult but every job has it's "bad" days. not their concern really.
as far as his 3 guys wanting to come work for you, do you have their resume's yet? maybe your guy is just trying to start a little something. it happens.
i think i would let your friend run his business and you just happily keep running yours. if his happens to fold because of his wife then so be it. it is neither your fault nor your responsibility to save him.

I think both of these gentlemen have it nailed. In addition, if any part is true and any of his employies approach you for a job, have them look elsewhere.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Or, (again IF you decide to proceed), just ask him how things are going with his wife in the front office, if he likes being with her 24/7, and if she's been an asset. If he answers no to any, then tell him what the rumors are, and make suggestions on how to deal with it. I don't envy you at all with this one.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Beefer said:

Or, (again IF you decide to proceed), just ask him how things are going with his wife in the front office, if he likes being with her 24/7, and if she's been an asset. If he answers no to any, then tell him what the rumors are, and make suggestions on how to deal with it. I don't envy you at all with this one.

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I agree with "feeling him out" on the subject. However, I dissagree on the offering suggestions. If he answers no to any of them, he already knows there is a problem. Instead, I would offer him an ear, if he asks, you can offer your opinion. Making suggestions and giving advise are something I do not like to do. I WILL give you my opinion though. Especially if you ask for it. My opinion, as anyone elses, is just that. You can never get in trouble for offering or giving a bad opinion. Giving bad advise will haunt you for a long time.:redface:

Also, I would keep the names of employees out of it. Backlash can be much worse than intended. Keep to the topic at hand. Do not be sucked in to giving up too much information. Keep the focus on him and his business.

I feel it is in your best intrest to keep the topic as far away from you and your employees as possible.

Now that's just an opinion, and should be taken as such.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Beefer said:

Or, (again IF you decide to proceed), just ask him how things are going with his wife in the front office, if he likes being with her 24/7, and if she's been an asset. If he answers no to any, then tell him what the rumors are, and make suggestions on how to deal with it. I don't envy you at all with this one.

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Why even mention "rumors"?

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Mention it as being a rumor, so he knows it's hearsay. It will also make him aware of the rumors, and maybe start paying attention to how his wife is around clients and workers. By saying it's a rumor, allows one to make someone aware of the rumor, and they can address it if they want. Maybe I should have used another word...

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Have you met this woman? So far as I can tell, everything you "know" about this woman at this point is hearsay.

One of three things is true:
1) It's not true, or at least not as serious as it's been made out.
2) It is true, in which case he likely already knows about it.
3) It is true, and he can't see it (or won't see it)...in which case you likely can't make him see it without some firsthand evidence.

In any case, I would say don't even mention it unless he brings it up.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

ajgraz said:

Have you met this woman? So far as I can tell, everything you "know" about this woman at this point is hearsay.

Now, if it is true, and employees are deserting and customers leaving just because of this woman's attitude, the guy surely already knows about it. And in that case, I would say don't even mention it unless he brings it up.

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^^^^^

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Tim Frank said:

^^^^^

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I modded my response while this guy was quoting me, but either way's good


Ya know, there are a lot of guys who treat women like dirt in business, especially in industrial/manufacturing/contracting work.
Wife had lots of entertaining stories when she sold for Square D

Likewise there are a lot of women who think they have to "holler and swear like a man" to try to get respect in those industries. Maybe she's trying too hard to match her co-workers and customers

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Tim Frank said:

Why even mention "rumors"?

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Tim Frank is a wise man!

Reminds me of a couple I know who finally got divorced after a 10 year tumultuous marriage. After my friend got divorced he asked me why I didn't tell him what I REALLY thought about her before he got married to her. When I said "do you think you would have listened to me ?" He replied..."probably not".

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

bruceb58 said:

Tim Frank is a wise man!

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So is Ajgraz!

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

You have his email address?

copy him a link to this thread.
problem solved.

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

Or, you could line him all all of him employees up one day and say:

"Those of you whose wife ISN'T a *****, please step forward. AH! Not so fast *friends name here* "

Re: Telling a business associate his wife has to go...

If you look at the title of this thread, that is where the wheels come off the rails.
Never mind "wife".....reverse the situation and how would someone tell the OP that one of HIS employess "had to go".

Can't do it!

If this is a serious enough business issue between the two organisations, raise it, and it alone....be very focused.

Try more than that and there is guaranteed to be tears.....