technostingray
Banned
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2005
- Messages
- 4,666
I know you are going to like number 3. None are as funny as when you date steps on your tongue.<br />Some years ago the "you know you are drunk when" jokes were as popular as Elephant Jokes. Maybe it is just as well I only rember the one. <br /><br />1) Your job interferes with your drinking.<br />2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.<br />3) Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.<br />4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.<br />5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.<br />6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!<br />7) You can focus better with one eye closed.<br />8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.<br />9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.<br />10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!<br />11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.<br />12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.<br />13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you<br />14) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."<br /><br />And for your added enjoyment - One you might have heard:<br />This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British<br />Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio<br />conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:<br /><br />IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a<br />collision.<br /><br />BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to<br />avoid a collision.<br /><br />IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the<br />South to avoid a collision.<br /><br />BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert<br />YOUR course.<br /><br />IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.<br /><br />BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST<br />SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE<br />DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT<br />YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES<br />NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF<br />THIS SHIP.<br /><br />IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call. <br /><br />And 10 more: You know you are drunk when: (edited for the squeamish)<br />You come back from the toilet and your shoes are all splattered. Caused by back and forth rocking whilst peeing. During this you try to grab on to something for stability, but realise your [i[i[iRichard isn't really suitable for this. <br />2. Your pronounciation fails. Edited (bad example)<br />3. When at a party, you count more shoes than faces. <br />4. Your (drunken) buddies are lying on top of you and you like it.<br />Edited<br />5. The most intelligent thing you can say is: aah wazh bleh blah hmm burpzzz. <br />6. People keep telling you you're drunk. The stupid Edited (colloquialism for sexual intercourse.<br />Try puking or falling on them. That'll teach them trying to ruin your fun. <br />7. Two guys in a blue uniforms try to get you into some blue and white thing with four wheels and an irritating sirene on it. They are looking very serious and got these cool toys attached to their belts. <br />8. You wonna play the pinball-machine, and some guy tells you to get your hands of his girlfriend. <br />9. You got into the party, but can't seem to find your way out.<br />Dam(edit) that infrastructure... <br />10. Walking in a straight line to the bar proves to be very difficult.<br />Edited (not funny)
