Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

achris

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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER<br />(the actual AP headline)<br /><br />Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.<br />One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.<br /><br />The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of breaddough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.<br /><br />And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
 

Dunaruna

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

A blonde girl wanders into a hairdresser and asks for a color & trim, the hairdresser sits her down and proceeds to remove the walkman that the blonde girl has on. "Cut around the headphones" the blonde says, "Just leave them on and start cuttin".<br /><br />The hairdresser continues to cut and trim, cut & trim and finally comes to the ears, once again she begins to remove the headphones. "No, I won't tell you again, just leave them on". In frustration the hairdresser rips the phones off and throws them on the floor. The blonde immediately drops to the floor - dead.<br /><br />The hairdresser slowly picks up the headphones and puts them on, what does she hear........<br /><br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /><br />"breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, breath in..........
 

achris

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.<br /><br />Quickly, I realised she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.<br /><br />The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh damn," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then passed wind.
 

Dunaruna

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Not bad :D :D and not an organ in sight.
 

achris

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

I have many, many more. All 'clean' or cleanable. :D
 

achris

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three<br /><br />Q: What is the difference between Mechanical<br />Engineers and Civil Engineers?<br />A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil<br />Engineers build targets.<br /><br />Comprehending Engineers-Take Four<br /><br />Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by<br />train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers<br />each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers<br />buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going<br />to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three<br />lawyers.<br /><br />"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.<br /><br />They all board the train. The lawyers take their<br />respective seats but all three engineers cram into a<br />restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly<br />after the train has departed, the conductor comes<br />around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom<br />door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a<br />crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.<br />The conductor takes it and moves on.<br /><br />The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever<br />idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to<br />copy the engineers on the return trip and save some<br />money. When they get to the station, they buy a<br />single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,<br />the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.<br /><br />"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks<br />one perplexed lawyer.<br /><br />"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.<br /><br />When they board the train, the three lawyers cram<br />into a restroom and the three engineers cram into<br />another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly<br />afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom<br />and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are<br />hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket,<br />please."
 

Dunaruna

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Originally posted by achris:<br /> Comprehending Engineers-Take Three<br /><br />Q: What is the difference between Mechanical<br />Engineers and Civil Engineers?<br />A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil<br />Engineers build targets.<br /><br />
So is this guy a mechanical or civil engineer?<br /><br />
2.jpg
 

achris

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

I have a name for him, but it'd get 'poofed'. :D
 

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Originally posted by achris:<br /> I have a name for him, but it'd get 'poofed'. :D
Let me try here Chris.<br />A dumbazz maybe?
 

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.<br /><br />The next day the blonde goes shopping and to the beauty parlor. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"<br /><br />"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"
 

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.<br /><br />She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.<br /><br />She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.<br /><br />A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"<br /><br />She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
 

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"<br /><br />The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."<br /><br />The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"<br /><br />The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"<br /><br />This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"<br /><br />The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"<br /><br />The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"<br /><br />"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'."
 

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Sally goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all of his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"<br /><br />To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."<br /><br />The boss feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."<br /><br />Sally very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."<br /><br />The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."<br /><br />A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.<br /><br />He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"<br /><br />Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!
 

Dunaruna

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Re: Friday funny, that won't get 'poofed' (I hope)

Me thinks you posted the phone joke not long ago, but I still laughed :D <br /><br />A blonde was taking a leisurely stroll along a river bank when she spies another blonde on the other side of the river. "Hey", she yells, "how do you get to the other side?". "What are you talking about", the other blonde yells back, "you are on the other side".
 
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