I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

[brother chris]

Hi All,
Okay, most of you know me....I post here and there, once in a while...etc..
Well, to make this as short as possible, my ex wife had a break-down and can't handle raising our daughter by herself, so she is now living with me, as of today.
She is 4 years old...very cute and is allergic to milk products.
I've never had either one of my kids for more than a week at a time and I don't know what to expect from here-on-in.
I'm also not too sure what I am asking for here either. I think I need some women's perspectives and single father's perspectives as well.
What can I do to make this tansaction go as smooth as possible.
I'm still in contact with my ex and we get along very well, so no harsh feelings on that part.
Any help....I mean ANY HELP will be appreciated.
Thanks,
Chris.

 

[aspeck]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Chris, don't know what to tell you other than your daughter needs a father more than she needs a friend. Don't try to be her friend. Have fun with her, do things with her, take her fishing ... 4 can be a really fun age - they are old enough to understand and learn, and yet everything is so wide-eyed and new - but be her DAD! Give her boundries and guidelines. She needs someone to let her know there is a right and a wrong.

You can do it - it won't be the easiest thing you have ever done, but it will be rewarding in the end! I will be praying for you - you will need all the wisdom you can get! HA!

 

[Skinnywater]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Don't talk bad about her mommy.
Don't burden her with adult issues.
Don't let the TV be her babysitter.
Don't have a bunch of new "mommys" in and out all the time.

Soymilk "Silk" isn't half bad.

 

[roscoe]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Don't let her date till she's .... well, ... forty.

Sorry, no words of wisdom, but good luck.
I'm sure others will have valuable advice for you.

 

[Kenneth Brown]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

My wife has almost always worked evenings, right now she works 11A-11P so I pretty much raise our 2 daughters. So far everybody is correct. I'd like to add-
Don't buy into the "quality time" bs. You can't scedule qt, it just has to happen. Try to keep yourself open so when it does happen you'll recognize.

You'll never be her mommy, not even close so don't try to be. Be the best daddy you know how and it'll all be fine.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Listen to her.
Having raised 3 girls, they will talk to you, but you have to listen.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Your ex is having problems due to her trying to be your daughters friend vs parent. Don't get caught up in the same thing.

You or a girl friend are now number 2 on the list, your little girl is number 1.

Asking your child is a good idea, but kids really need to be told what to do, you are the alpha male now.

I agree with Skinnys remark on that you don't say anything negative about your ex,,(anybody for that matter),,,,,if so she will learn very quickly how to manipulate her mom and you in a very short time.

Right now at this stage, her brain is a sponge. It will store anything that she is exposed to. If you don't want things repeated or reported on, don't do them in front of her.

Mostly,,,,,always be consistant and do what you say you are going to do. If not,,, your word will not stand strongly with her. This can lead to problems later on in teen years. (I'm sure there will be future posts for that time frame)

This one I wish I had followed long long time ago,,,,,,,,,Don't let your friends put your child on the back burner for you and your buds to have fun. Always include her in your plans. If you have to change your lifestyle a bit to accomodate this, then you are on the right track.

Good Luck BC,,,, being a father is a full time job and can be rewarding.

 

[RubberFrog]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

I'm a stay at home dad. I have an almost 3 year old boy and an 8 month old girl.

What works great for my kids is having a routine. We eat breakfast at the same time, nap at the same time (I love that part) and go to bed at the same time. Anything that happens everyday, happens at the same time.

I make the rules clear, with very few gray areas to confuse my boy. This makes it very easy for him to know what good behavior is and as a result he is always happy and well behaved.

I talk to him about adult issues but never about adult problems. I don't burden him with my emotions unless they are happy thoughts.

I don't try to be his friend. I am his dad. I am stern when I need to be, funny when I need to be and comforting when I need to be.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Sounds cheesy, I know. Kids remember everything you say. If you say you'll take them to the park and you don't, they learn to not trust you. If you say there will be a consequence for an unacceptable behavior, and there isn't, they'll learn to not take you serious.

This is the most important thing- make sure they know you love them. Don't let them fall asleep without hearing you say it. Don't let them wake up without hearing you say it.

Remember that girls grow up to be with someone just like their dad. So think about what kind of man you want her to be with and treat her accordingly.

That's probably more than you wanted to know and I could go on all day....

 

[Parrott_head]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

There is an organization named "Parents Without Partners". See if they have a chapter in your neck of the woods. There may be other fathers there that have faced the same situation you are facing and maybe can offer some advice.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Chris, expect lots of nights at bedtime of her crying for her Mommy. Its not you, don't take it personally, little girls just do that at that age.

Do fun things with her. Little girls are not all flowers and lace, they like to fish, play ball, go camping (just be sure she brings her doll).

Make her room comfortable, you may have to paint it pink girls at the age of 4 love pink and purple.

Don't go overboard buying her everything she wants, she'll have you wrapped around her pretty little finger in a heartbeat.

I wholeheartedly agree with Skinnywater and its worth repeating:

Don't talk bad about her mommy.
Don't burden her with adult issues.
Don't let the TV be her babysitter.
Don't have a bunch of new "mommys" in and out all the time.

Soymilk "Silk" isn't half bad.

 

[RubberFrog]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

...
Soymilk "Silk" isn't half bad.

Unfortunately, it isn't half good either!

 

[rwise]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Lots of good stuff above! I was Mr Mom myself when mine were little, both of us worked different shifts. Hugs lots of hugs, listen, listen listen you can't do this enuf! Little girls are Dadies girl, its just nature. Take things one step at a time and enjoy all you can she is going to be asking for the keys before you know it!!! Also they love to learn, if you don't already have them get some learning games for the computer and give her time with it, watch like a hawk if/when she is on the internet. And yes take her fishing, just took my 3 year old grand daughter fishing and she loved it!

let her be her
not always easy, but you can not tell her who she is

money does not = luv,
kids from broken homes tend to pick up ideas from school (not that she is in school yet) and bring them home to try out. he has she has his mom her dad etc etc

And here is the one that helped me the most,
Choose your battles,
let the little things (that realy just dont mater) go, its not worth it

It can be a lot of fun, make it so

 

[Bass Man Bruce]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

It's not to early to start reading with her. Just pick up kids books and read them out loud to her. Let her help and keep going as her interest comes and goes. Make sure it is fun for both of you.
All the above advise is spot on.
Good luck, it is a heck of a journey and will be as valuable as you make it.

 

[rogerwa]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

All the above is great advice, but if I had to boil it down to three things..

Set a schedule

Draw your lines and be consistent when she crosses them. Your house.. your rules. doesn't matter what Mom does.

Let her be a kid. She will never have the opportunity again.

 

[kenimpzoom]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

I suggest one other thing, put her into a good preschool (not daycare). Try her in karate, gymnastics, ballet, or sports. Take her to the park. Let her play outside in a properly fenced yard. Read to her. TV isnt bad, just control it. Buy her some preschool computer games. Try a "mothers day out" place. Vacation bible school is good too.

Ken

 

[Boomyal]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Don't talk bad about her mommy.
Don't burden her with adult issues.
Don't let the TV be her babysitter.
Don't have a bunch of new "mommys" in and out all the time.

Soymilk "Silk" isn't half bad.

Probably the very top three. Excellent Skinny.

 

[brother chris]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Wow!!!!
Thanks so much for all the great advice and tips. I really do appreciate all of it. I'll be reading this post over and over again, in case I forget, or need to remind myself.
I remember last night I told her I'd take her to the park today. She's asked me to go since 730am. Had to tell her to wait until later on when it gets warm. That is so right....they do not forget anything!!
It's a good thing I took all this week off work. I get to spend all week with her, which is real good.
I'm taking her fishing(her first boating trip), on Friday.

Ok, I have to take her out now. Thanks again. I'm sure I'll have more questions as time goes by.

Chris.

 

[brother chris]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Here's a pictures of my little girl. Now you can see why she is worth everything to me!!!

 

[Haut Medoc]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

 

[waterinthefuel]

Re: I'm a full time dad now....I need a bit of help here, pls

Here's a pictures of my little girl. Now you can see why she is worth everything to me!!!

Yep, if I were you I'd keep a close eye on her. She'll be breaking hearts before you know it!