The Snake Won

jumpjets

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So... I was working in my yard this afternoon, and I happen to see a snake in my grass, right next to my driveway. It was about 4 feet long, with some sort of brown/gray/tan camouflage look to it.

It spooked me when I first saw it, but I elected to leave it alone. Although my wife is deathly terrified of snakes, she was indoors at the time. I thought I could be the bigger man and let an innocent creature of the earth carry on with it's day. I'm such a nice guy...

As I watched it from a distance, the snake slithered onto my driveway and under my 2010 SS Camaro. It coiled up under the car near the driver side. I wasn't happy about this, but again I left it alone for a few moments.

It stayed under the car for quite a while. I needed to move the car, so I wanted it to leave. Plus, I didn't want it to spook my wife or I later on. I grabbed a shovel, and gently nudged it. It scooted over a foot, and remained under the car. Strike one, dude.

I nudged it again with the shovel. It struck at the shovel. Strike two *******!

It turned around and lifted it's head up, looked around, and slithered it's way up into the chassis of my car! It wasn't in the front suspension, but rather in the unibody labyrinth of holes, casms, and passageways. Strike Three buster! Hostile intent has now been demonstrated by the snake, and the Self-Defense Rules of Engagement requirements are satisfied. As soon as collateral damage could be minimized, I cleared myself to engage.

I jumped in the car, started it, and began revving the engine loudly. I honked the horn, turned the steeringwheel lock-to-lock, and blasted the stereo for about 60 seconds. I then jumped out of the car with the engine still running. The snake poked it's little head out of a hole in the unibody, and looked around. It was not the same hole it climbed in to the car from.

A second later, it slithered out of the car, and across the driveway to the other side. It coiled up next to my garage door, setting up an ambush for any poor soul trying to egress my house through the garage. I grabbed my shovel and took a massive swing. The blade of the shovel struck the snake right in it's center mass.

WTF nightmare world am I living in? I thought I had killed the snake, but I turned it into two snakes! The front half of the snake lunged at me and tried to bite. The tail half tried to slither away. I swung at the snake again and again. Each time I hit it, it would would lunge, bite at me, wiggle it's tail(s), and act crazy. It refused to die. After 30 hits, the snake finally ceased to move. I had chopped into multiple pieces, and there was slimy white snake guts everywhere.

It was a brave battle from all involved. To properly honor the brave snake's sacrifice in battle, I scooped up it's body parts in my shovel, and carried them to the forest marsh in my backyard. I would return him to his natives in him marshy homeland. I flung the snake guts with my shovel as hard as I could.

Just as the brave snake warrior was making his final journey home through the sky, a strong gust of wind caught his body and blew it into a tree that hangs directly over my brand new boat, which I had parked in the backyard to perform some maintenance.

The front one-third of the snake's body came to rest in a tuft of pine tree needles directly over my new boat. It's mouth is open, facing downward toward my swim platform. It's eyes are ghost white, staring at me. The tree bough is high enough that I can't reach it with any of the tools in my garage. The trunk of the tree is far enough back in the marsh and thicket that I can't climb it shake the snake down. It's just hanging in a tree, lifeless and ominous, directly over my brand new boat.

Snake..1
Me.......0
 
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southkogs

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LOL ... give me a shout next time. The admiral has dispatched a couple' milk snake 'round here with EXTREME prejudice. Garden rake vs. snake ... snake lost.
 

dwco5051

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Over the years I have answered calls to remove snakes from homes or properties in town and if it is a milk snake it is a prize. I have several farmers in the area that just love to get them. A milk snake in a barn means no mice to build nests in your equipment. Black rat snakes are also popular.
 

Bob_VT

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I have rat shot for the 22 rifle and the wife has access to the 410 None of the snakes here are really dangerous (We do have timber rattlers but not in this area) and the biggest problem we have is being startled. I hate to be startled and if it is a harmless snake I will grab it and give it a toss out of my area. Can garter snakes fly? They can if they startle me :)
 

NicoPags

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lol this was very entertaining. I'm going to forever think of you as Hercules against the Hydra Lernaia
 

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Outkast

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Black and tan like this? good thing it never landed a strike.
 

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jumpjets

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Black and tan like this? good thing it never landed a strike.
It's been a while now, so my memory has faded, but yeah it sorta looked like that. The disproportionatley small head and the color scheme look familiar. The bones are still hanging in that tree in my backyard. I checked yesterday.
 

H20Rat

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I have an understanding with snakes, as soon as they pay the rent, they can stay! Garter snakes are ok, I usually will let them live. Bullsnakes on the other hand, those guys are way too cranky to leave around, and they look way too much like rattlesnakes. (which I also have in my area) And although popular opinion says that bullsnakes will kill rattlesnakes in the same area, it isn't true. They can and will den up together even.

Imagine running over about a 6+ foot bullsnake with a 25hp mulching mower with 'gator' blades... There were 3 red circles below the blades where there used to be a snake!
 

Tigosaurus

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I've developed a heavy for any snake over two feet long in my back yard since one climbed past my snake guard and cleaned out my purple martin house last month. The small brown snakes can stay, any other will be removed with prejudice.
 
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Pusher

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I have an understanding with snakes, as soon as they pay the rent, they can stay! Garter snakes are ok, I usually will let them live. Bullsnakes on the other hand, those guys are way too cranky to leave around, and they look way too much like rattlesnakes. (which I also have in my area) And although popular opinion says that bullsnakes will kill rattlesnakes in the same area, it isn't true. They can and will den up together even.

Imagine running over about a 6+ foot bullsnake with a 25hp mulching mower with 'gator' blades... There were 3 red circles below the blades where there used to be a snake!

I am no fan of snakes either. This image made me happy.
Gartners are pretty cool but I still keep them at a comfrtable distance.

Jumpjets, I had to let my wife read that one. Good retelling. I'd personally lije to hear the snakes side of it but that perspective will never be heard I guess.

Side note, my uncle was telling mw that the bull snakes have been breeding with the rattlers and there's a hybrid out there. Not sure if they got the rattler or not. Kind of like the coywolf.
 

dwco5051

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Side note, my uncle was telling mw that the bull snakes have been breeding with the rattlers and there's a hybrid out there. Not sure if they got the rattler or not. Kind of like the coywolf.

Not possible since rattlers are live bearers and bull snakes are egg layers.

Older relatives are not always the best source of information. One of my grand daughters was about ten when she finally figured out that I didn't really teach Michael Jackson how to dance. Her two younger sisters still believe me.:joyous:
 

Pusher

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Oh, sounds like he's been getting his info from facebook.

Haha nice. I'm sure she's not eager to clue her sisters in on it either!
 

jumpjets

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Well, my follies have continued, on a much smaller scale. The snake bones from my last encounter are still hanging in a tree in my backyard. I was hooking up my trailer to the truck last night preparing to get a really early start today. As I was ratcheting my transom straps up, a little snake slid right out from under my bare foot! STEPPING ON IT didn't spook it, but ratcheting a poorly oiled ratchet strap was what sent it over the edge.
 

hemi rt

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You're lucky, up here we can't kill a rattler of any kind; they are a protected species up here.
 

TyeeMan

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Jeez, I'm getting the heebee jeebees reading this. I can't stand snakes, , , where I live in Minnesota we just have garter snakes, and the best one of those is the one that's doing mach 2 in many pieces out the discharge of my lawn tractor.

I've also found that wasp and hornet killer can be a good snake killer but ya need to get them in the face where they will likely ingest.

I'm all for all the creatures of the forest floor, , just not snakes.

Spiders on the other hand, , I could care less. Just sayin.
 

H20Rat

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Not possible since rattlers are live bearers and bull snakes are egg layers.

Yeah I think that old rumor probably comes from the rattlers that don't actually have a rattle. Genetics or it lost it through other methods, but rattles are optional.
 

Pusher

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Yeah I think that old rumor probably comes from the rattlers that don't actually have a rattle. Genetics or it lost it through other methods, but rattles are optional.

Ugh, that's good to know. I was walking through a pumpkin patch yesterday thinking about the rattlesnake that was under my friends ottoman a couple weeks back.
 
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