jumpjets
Petty Officer 1st Class
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2010
- Messages
- 313
So... I was working in my yard this afternoon, and I happen to see a snake in my grass, right next to my driveway. It was about 4 feet long, with some sort of brown/gray/tan camouflage look to it.
It spooked me when I first saw it, but I elected to leave it alone. Although my wife is deathly terrified of snakes, she was indoors at the time. I thought I could be the bigger man and let an innocent creature of the earth carry on with it's day. I'm such a nice guy...
As I watched it from a distance, the snake slithered onto my driveway and under my 2010 SS Camaro. It coiled up under the car near the driver side. I wasn't happy about this, but again I left it alone for a few moments.
It stayed under the car for quite a while. I needed to move the car, so I wanted it to leave. Plus, I didn't want it to spook my wife or I later on. I grabbed a shovel, and gently nudged it. It scooted over a foot, and remained under the car. Strike one, dude.
I nudged it again with the shovel. It struck at the shovel. Strike two *******!
It turned around and lifted it's head up, looked around, and slithered it's way up into the chassis of my car! It wasn't in the front suspension, but rather in the unibody labyrinth of holes, casms, and passageways. Strike Three buster! Hostile intent has now been demonstrated by the snake, and the Self-Defense Rules of Engagement requirements are satisfied. As soon as collateral damage could be minimized, I cleared myself to engage.
I jumped in the car, started it, and began revving the engine loudly. I honked the horn, turned the steeringwheel lock-to-lock, and blasted the stereo for about 60 seconds. I then jumped out of the car with the engine still running. The snake poked it's little head out of a hole in the unibody, and looked around. It was not the same hole it climbed in to the car from.
A second later, it slithered out of the car, and across the driveway to the other side. It coiled up next to my garage door, setting up an ambush for any poor soul trying to egress my house through the garage. I grabbed my shovel and took a massive swing. The blade of the shovel struck the snake right in it's center mass.
WTF nightmare world am I living in? I thought I had killed the snake, but I turned it into two snakes! The front half of the snake lunged at me and tried to bite. The tail half tried to slither away. I swung at the snake again and again. Each time I hit it, it would would lunge, bite at me, wiggle it's tail(s), and act crazy. It refused to die. After 30 hits, the snake finally ceased to move. I had chopped into multiple pieces, and there was slimy white snake guts everywhere.
It was a brave battle from all involved. To properly honor the brave snake's sacrifice in battle, I scooped up it's body parts in my shovel, and carried them to the forest marsh in my backyard. I would return him to his natives in him marshy homeland. I flung the snake guts with my shovel as hard as I could.
Just as the brave snake warrior was making his final journey home through the sky, a strong gust of wind caught his body and blew it into a tree that hangs directly over my brand new boat, which I had parked in the backyard to perform some maintenance.
The front one-third of the snake's body came to rest in a tuft of pine tree needles directly over my new boat. It's mouth is open, facing downward toward my swim platform. It's eyes are ghost white, staring at me. The tree bough is high enough that I can't reach it with any of the tools in my garage. The trunk of the tree is far enough back in the marsh and thicket that I can't climb it shake the snake down. It's just hanging in a tree, lifeless and ominous, directly over my brand new boat.
Snake..1
Me.......0
It spooked me when I first saw it, but I elected to leave it alone. Although my wife is deathly terrified of snakes, she was indoors at the time. I thought I could be the bigger man and let an innocent creature of the earth carry on with it's day. I'm such a nice guy...
As I watched it from a distance, the snake slithered onto my driveway and under my 2010 SS Camaro. It coiled up under the car near the driver side. I wasn't happy about this, but again I left it alone for a few moments.
It stayed under the car for quite a while. I needed to move the car, so I wanted it to leave. Plus, I didn't want it to spook my wife or I later on. I grabbed a shovel, and gently nudged it. It scooted over a foot, and remained under the car. Strike one, dude.
I nudged it again with the shovel. It struck at the shovel. Strike two *******!
It turned around and lifted it's head up, looked around, and slithered it's way up into the chassis of my car! It wasn't in the front suspension, but rather in the unibody labyrinth of holes, casms, and passageways. Strike Three buster! Hostile intent has now been demonstrated by the snake, and the Self-Defense Rules of Engagement requirements are satisfied. As soon as collateral damage could be minimized, I cleared myself to engage.
I jumped in the car, started it, and began revving the engine loudly. I honked the horn, turned the steeringwheel lock-to-lock, and blasted the stereo for about 60 seconds. I then jumped out of the car with the engine still running. The snake poked it's little head out of a hole in the unibody, and looked around. It was not the same hole it climbed in to the car from.
A second later, it slithered out of the car, and across the driveway to the other side. It coiled up next to my garage door, setting up an ambush for any poor soul trying to egress my house through the garage. I grabbed my shovel and took a massive swing. The blade of the shovel struck the snake right in it's center mass.
WTF nightmare world am I living in? I thought I had killed the snake, but I turned it into two snakes! The front half of the snake lunged at me and tried to bite. The tail half tried to slither away. I swung at the snake again and again. Each time I hit it, it would would lunge, bite at me, wiggle it's tail(s), and act crazy. It refused to die. After 30 hits, the snake finally ceased to move. I had chopped into multiple pieces, and there was slimy white snake guts everywhere.
It was a brave battle from all involved. To properly honor the brave snake's sacrifice in battle, I scooped up it's body parts in my shovel, and carried them to the forest marsh in my backyard. I would return him to his natives in him marshy homeland. I flung the snake guts with my shovel as hard as I could.
Just as the brave snake warrior was making his final journey home through the sky, a strong gust of wind caught his body and blew it into a tree that hangs directly over my brand new boat, which I had parked in the backyard to perform some maintenance.
The front one-third of the snake's body came to rest in a tuft of pine tree needles directly over my new boat. It's mouth is open, facing downward toward my swim platform. It's eyes are ghost white, staring at me. The tree bough is high enough that I can't reach it with any of the tools in my garage. The trunk of the tree is far enough back in the marsh and thicket that I can't climb it shake the snake down. It's just hanging in a tree, lifeless and ominous, directly over my brand new boat.
Snake..1
Me.......0
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