Tale of the Toilet: A recolation from my surgeries. Adult humor (I hope it's humorous!)

Tyme2fish

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Feb 19, 2002
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2,481
Tale of the Toilet: A recolation from my surgeries. Adult humor (I hope it's humorous!)

I had a side affect from this last surgery that I didn't experience after the first one. CONSTIPATION!!
I was ordered to not eat or drink anything after midnight on Sunday and that was no problem as I was in bed at 9:00 PM with surgery scheduled for 8:00 AM
Out of surgery and in my room and ate a little bit Monday evening. I was served a light breakfast on Tuesday and then released Tuesday afternoon.
We had some grapes,apples and bananas at home and that's what I snacked on once home. For dinner Tuesday I had a small slice of meat loaf, peas, and rice.
In full disclosure, I have a daily bowel movement after my first cup or two of coffee every morning
Monday..no poop
Tuesday..no poop
Wednesday..no poop.
Thursday...no poop.
So now I'm getting concerned. I'm still eating my fruits but my fiber intact is limited. I asked Mrs.Tyme to pick up some prune juice for me and I had a glass of that Wednesday evening. Still no poop.
The anesthesia paralyses all muscles and it takes a while for the colon to regain it's muscle movements. That along with the pain meds can cause constipation.
Finally on Thursday, Mrs.Tyme suggested that I use a little dab of liquid soap to lubricate around my anus. The only thing that accomplished was to provide some bubbles that tickled my scrotum when I farted.
More prune juice on Thursday. It's now been 4 days since my last poop. This is no good!!
I was prepared this morning,Friday, to go and buy some Colace and/or a Fleet's enema. As I was drinking my morning coffee the "urge" once again came upon me.
I sat on the throne praying this time was not a false alarm. Two bubbly farts and then I felt movement. Hallelujah!!
I can finally feel success happening. My anus is stretched to the max and I know this first poop in 5 days will be one for the record books.
I wait for the first plop in the water. None is forthcoming. O.K., this giant turd is working it's way out slowly and in one giant segment. I grunt, I push, I strain and finally my anus slams shut.
Man, you should have seen this turd. It was a good 2 inches in diameter and 14 inches long without a break
Now you know that Tyme is well on the way to recovery and no longer full of poop.



Part II


After the success on Friday I thought Saturday's exercise would be uneventful. WRONG!!
I think my colon is now acting like a gas shock absorber. It is constructed of a turd, gas pocket ( fart) and another turd blocking the gas expulsion.
Saturday's experience was nothing but straining with the result being simply the failure of one end of the shock (a turd) allowing the escape of the gas by the descended turd. Farts were not my goal for the day but that's all that happened.
Sunday, I try again. There is no way to sit comfortably on the throne. Any way I position myself the incisions and staples are aggravated. Anytime I think there's progress being made, the incisions send a message to the colon muscles to cease and desist in protest.
Through shear force of mind, as Beethoven might have said, let the movement begin.
A strain, a fart and then it was like the extrusion of a fireplace log had commenced. Dang, I thought I was giving birth. I'd pause after a strain, thinking the head and shoulders had finally surfaced then I'd bear down again.
Again, there was no plop. Is it over? Have I lived through another epic turd ordeal?
The required paperwork was submitted and I had to gasp at the final sight of a Pepperidge Farm Summer Sausage laying in the bowl. Oh, this is too good not to share so I waited until Mrs.Tyme was awake to observe this phenomenon of nature. I closed the toilet lids and waited upon her awakening.
I asked her to open the lid. She refused. She thought there might be a mouse or a cricket in the bowl. Nope, nothing that small. I opened the lid to allow her to gaze at my wonderful accomplishment. She squealed and gasped and ran from the room. "Flush it!" she screamed, "Flush It!"
I did as she commanded but the turd refused all efforts to fall to submission. It swam against the downward flow of water and I swear it gasped for air. It was almost down the bowl when it turned on it's axis to swim upward and growl at us. Mrs.Tyme screamed and I quickly slammed the lid down before it could escape the bowl and attack us.
I let it marinade for an hour and tried flushing it a second time. It finally submitted and was sent to it's watery grave. However, I now can hear and feel thumps from the ground over our septic tank.
Should I be worried?
 

alldodge

Moderator
Staff member
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Mar 8, 2009
Messages
40,582
Dang good story, :pound:

Have heard pop floats, that's why I'm not worried about drowning, but don't know about the climbing back out. Maybe a bit extra rid-x in the tank as a precaution. :D
 

MTboatguy

Fleet Admiral
Joined
Jul 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and I sure feel for you, I will not elaborate on why I feel for you, but hopefully things soon get back to normal.
 

redneck joe

Supreme Mariner
Joined
Mar 18, 2009
Messages
10,200
Awesome story. Soapy anus tickling the scrotum. Never thought I'd read that...
 

garbageguy

Lieutenant Commander
Joined
May 8, 2012
Messages
1,531
I'm with MT on all accounts. It could've been worse - but I will not elaborate either. Glad to hear you have movement. As long as your bugs are healthy, your septic system will work it out too. Your story was very entertaining thought - thanks for the laugh
 

aspeck

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
May 29, 2003
Messages
18,588
Tyme2 ... :facepalm: nevermind ... You ain't right, man, you just ain't right! Guess that is why we all love you so!:couch2::eek::faint2:
 

brian4321

Petty Officer 1st Class
Joined
Jan 19, 2014
Messages
359
Thanks Tyme, it's been too long since I laughed till I had tears in my eyes😂😂😂
 
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