Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gate keeper to plead their case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: ?I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.?

The gate keeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says, ? I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best.?

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

?And you?? He asks the third nurse.

?I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients.? She answers confidently.

The gate keeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman?s file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: ?Congratulations! You?ve been admitted to heaven?

for five days!?

 

[RGrew176]

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald?s.

He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn?t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, ?Oh no. We?ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.?

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, ?It?s his turn with the teeth.?

 

[RGrew176]

The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.

?It?s me. Please go to my wife?s bedroom and tell her that I?ll be home late from the club.? I?m sorry, M?lord, her ladyship is already asleep.?

Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the ?phone,? the caller demanded.

?Yes, Sir,? the butler replied. The butler returned and said, ?My Lord, her ladyship is now in her room with a strange man I have never seen before.?

?Damn them! How could she do that to me?!? OK, here?s what you do. Get my rifle, break down the door, and shoot them both.? ?Yes, Sir,? the butler responded. He puts the phone down and after a short while 2 shots are clearly heard.

A few minutes later, the butler returned to the phone and reported, ?My Lord, I tried my best. I shot the man, but your wife dived out the window to the garden before I could shoot her as well.?

?To the garden? What garden??

?The one adjacent to her room, my lord.?

Long pause.

?Sorry about that, I think I have the wrong number.?

 

[RGrew176]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ?Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.?

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: ?He lives in a home with four children ? he?s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow??

 

[RGrew176]

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: ?Barbara, you?ve done very well so far ? $500,000 and one lifeline left ? phone a friend.?

?The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready??

Barbara: ?Sure, I?ll have a go!?

Regis: ?Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A ? Robin
B ? Sparrow
C ? Cuckoo
D ? Thrush

Remember Barbara ? its worth $1 million dollars.?

?I think I know who it? I?m not 100%? no, I haven?t got a clue. I?d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.?

Regis: ?Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone??

Barbara: ?I?ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.?

(ringing)

Maggie (a blonde): ?Hello??

Regis: ?Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara?s and she?ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply ? fire away Barbara.?

Barbara: ?Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush

Maggie: ?Oh gees, Barbara that?s simple?It?s a cuckoo.?

Barbara: ?You think??

Maggie: ?I?m sure.?

Barbara: ?Thanks Maggie.? (hangs up)

Regis: ?Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara??

Barbara: ?I want to play, I?ll go with c-cuckoo?

Regis: ?Is that your final answer??

Barbara: ?It is.?

Regis: ?Are you confident??

Barbara: ?Yes fairly, Maggie?s a sound bet.?

Regis: ?Barbara?..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo?you?re right! ? You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!?

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: ?Tell me Maggie, How in God?s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest??

Maggie: ?Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!?

 

[RGrew176]

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3?4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, ?Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!? And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, ?Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!? And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ? Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

?Cindy, you have sinned.?

 

[RGrew176]

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, ?Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase??

?Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.?

Wife: ?Who said you iron better than me??

Anna: ?Your husband he say so.?

Wife: ?Oh yeah??

The second reason : ?Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.?

Wife: ?That?s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me??

Anna: ?Your hozban he did.?

Wife increasingly agitated: ?Oh he did, did he??

Anna: ?The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.?

The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, ?And did my husband say that as well??

Anna: ?No Madam? The gardener did.?

(A moment of silence passes?)

?So? how much do you want??

 

[RGrew176]

With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.


The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.


Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.


This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn?t fall. Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.


?So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?? they asked.


?It?s very nice,? she replied. ?Except they won?t let you fart.?

 

[RGrew176]

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, ?Why did you call me anyway? Isn?t it your job to bury the dead??

The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: ?Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!?

 

[RGrew176]

Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.

When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself.

She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: ?A little more to the left. A little more to the right ? ?

 

[RGrew176]

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

 

[RGrew176]

Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.

When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.

The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.

He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

“Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.

The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear and places his other hand on top of Larry’s head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.

After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:

“Larry, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

 

[RGrew176]

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

‘I’ll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, ‘and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.’

‘If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! ‘If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. ‘But, if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. ‘And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher whispered in horror, ‘He’s going to be the next president!’

 

[RGrew176]

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.

The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.

The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn’t want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they’d just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, “You know, girls, there’s a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say….”

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, “Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There’s plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”

 

[RGrew176]

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.

He’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he’d become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it – obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!

He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said: “no, no that’s right.

How is it right, the Doctor asked.

Well, the instructor said, I gave you 100% because you put the engine back together correctly.

I gave you the bonus 50% because you did it all through the tail pipe.

 

[RGrew176]

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.

He makes friends with the tribes Chief’s and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child!

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino!

Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

 

[RGrew176]

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”

 

[RGrew176]

On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were heard by millions of people around the world.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.

On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

“Sex? You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

 

[RGrew176]

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

 

[RGrew176]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them. “That I’m going to give you a special gift…

“I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two handsome figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches…

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:

“Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll do my business on its head.”