Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, ?Who is this??

?This is the maid.?, answered the woman.

?We don?t have a maid!?

?I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.?

?Well, this is her husband. Is she there??

?Ummm ?. she?s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.?

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, ?Listen, would you like to make $50,000??

?What do I have to do??

?I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.?

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. ?What should I do with the bodies??

?Throw them in the swimming pool!?

?What?! There?s no pool here??

*Long pause* ?Uh ?. is this 832-4821??
 

RGrew176

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A man walks into the doctor?s office and says: ?Doctor, my name is Mark, and I?d like to be castrated.?

?What? Are you sure about this? Why?? asks the doctor, amazed.

?It?s something I?ve been considering a long time and I?d like to have it done? replies Mark.

?But have you thought it through? REALLY through?? asks the concerned doctor, ?It?s a very serious operation and once it?s done, there?s no going back. It will change your life forever!?

?I?m aware of that and you?re not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I?ll simply use another doctor.?

?Well, OK,? says the doctor, ?But I?ll have you know that it?s against my better judgment!?

So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

?Hi there,? says Mark,? It looks as if you?ve just had the same operation as me.?

?Yes, it seems like it,? said the patient. ?As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised.?

Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: ?Dammit! THAT was the word!!!?
 

RGrew176

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Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

?Benny?Benny??
?My gosh? Is that you, Dan??
?Yes, I?ve come back like we agreed.?
?That?s wonderful! What?s it like??

?Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it?s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times? then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it?s back to the golf course again. Then it?s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again?.

?Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!?

?What heaven? I?m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.?
 

RGrew176

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Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, ?Do you notice anything different about me?? And the gentleman answered, ?Why yes, I couldn?t help but notice you have no ears.?

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, ?Do you notice anything different about me?? and she replied: ?Well, you have no ears.?

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

?Do you notice anything different about me?? And to his surprise, the young man answered: ?Yes. You wear contact lenses.? Merv was shocked, and said, ?What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that??

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, ?Well, glasses would fall right off wouldn?t they??
 

RGrew176

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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN?T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ?You?re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you?you have no legs!?

The old man smiled, ?Therefore, I cannot run around on you!?

She snorted, ?You don?t have any arms either!?

Again, the old man smiled, ?Therefore, I can never beat you!?

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ?Are you still good in bed????

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

?Rang the doorbell, didn?t I??
 

RGrew176

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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He?d never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn?t know what it was.
Predictably, he?s hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he?s at his friend?s house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, ?Why?d you ruin my good kettle??
The desert man replies, ?Man, you gotta kill these things when they?re small.?
 

RGrew176

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An American tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and did not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakened one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see his doctor.
The doctor, having never seen anything like that before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, ?I?ve got bad news for you. You?ve contracted Mongolian VD. It?s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.?
The man looked a little relieved and said, ?Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.?
The doctor answered, ?I?m sorry, there?s no known cure other than to amputate your member.?
The man screamed in horror, ?Oh no! I want a second opinion!?
The doctor replied, ?Well it?s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.?
The next day, the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he?d know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his member and proclaimed, ?Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.?
The guy said to the doctor, ?Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my member!?
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed, ?Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way.?
?Then there?s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!? the man replied.
?Yes!? said the Chinese doctor, ?You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!?
 

RGrew176

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They tell of a very rich and smart man who lived many years ago in a city far away. He had a big family ? a wife, children and grandchildren ? and was beloved by all. He was generous to his family and friends.

One day his wife passed away and he was left alone in his house. After the mourning period, his children came to him and said he shouldn?t live all alone in the big house.

?Sell your house and possessions,? they said. ?Give it to us and you can live at the elder son?s house, and will never want for anything.?

The man agreed, sold all he had and divided it between his children, moving to the son?s house.

At first, he needed for nothing, and his children visited him often. But slowly, the children and grandchildren stopped showing. At his elder son?s house he became resentful, he often had no food, his clothes weren?t fixed properly, and he was ashamed to walk outside in them.

One day, the old man said to his son, ?gather everyone and the mayor, I have something to tell you.?

When everyone gathered, the man said: ?I have told you I sold everything, but that wasn?t the truth. I still have a suitcase filled with gold and jewelry. Since my day is coming fast, I want you to have it. It is locked with two keys, one I will give the mayor and the other my elder son. It?s buried under the big tree in front of our old house, and when I am dead you can open the suitcase and divide what is in there.?

Everyone was very excited to hear this, and from that day the man wanted for nothing again, surrounded by children and given food, clothes, and money. He lived the rest of his life in peace.

After his death, his family gathered around the big tree as the men began digging. And indeed they found the big suitcase, and with great ceremony opened it with the two keys.

But inside, all they found was the edge of a donkey?s tail and an envelope. The envelope contained a letter with only one line.

?Only an ass gives everything away too soon.?
 

RGrew176

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A young woman was preparing for her wedding.

She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, ?Oh no! It?s short, pink, and wrinkled!?

Then her groom cried out, ?I told you not to peek!?
 

RGrew176

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Nearing the end of a hard life, old Ed was surrounded by his loved ones. As he sensed his final moment was approaching, he gathered all his strength and whispered:

?I must tell you my greatest secret.?

His family members were all ears, and urged him to go on.

?Before I got married, I had it all,? explained Ed.

?Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me..

??Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you?re on your deathbed.?

?So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are?

?And you know what??

?What?? Whispered the fascinated members of his family.

?I?m not even thirsty!?
 

RGrew176

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An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, ?Is this a union house??

?No, I?m sorry, it isn?t.?

?Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get??

?The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.?

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, ?Why yes, this is a union house.?

?And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get??

?The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.?

?That?s more like it!? the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. ?I?d like her for the night.?

?I?m sure you would, sir,? said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, ?but Ethel here has seniority.?
 

RGrew176

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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn?t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, ?Do you ever watch your girlfriend?s face while you?re having sex??

?Well, yes, I did once.?

?And how did she look??

?Oh boy, she looked very angry!?

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

?Well that?s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend?s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time??

?She was watching us through the window.?
 

RGrew176

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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he?d carved ?I love you, Sally?.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picked it up, but they didn?t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money ? it was $50,000!

The husband said: ?We?ve got to give it back?. She said, ?Finders keepers? and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

One knocked on the door and said: ?Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?? She said: ?No.?

The husband said: ?She?s lying. She hid it up in the attic.?

She said: ?Don?t believe him, he?s getting senile,? but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

One said: ?Tell us the story from the beginning.?

The old man said: ?Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ??

At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: ?We?re outta here!?
 

RGrew176

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Three tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town?s name.

?LLan-fair-poo-wee?? said the first.

?No no ? it?s llan-fair-pi-well?? argued the second.

?I think we need to ask a local about this,? the third sighed.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blonde employee:

?Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are? very slowly??

?Sure!? said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: ?Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.?
 

RGrew176

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A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the girl asks, ?Grandpa, did God make you??

?He sure did honey, a long time ago,? replies her grandpa.

?Well, did God make me?? asks the girl.

?Yes, He did, and that wasn?t too long ago,? answers her grandpa.

?Boy,? says the little girl, ?He?s sure doing a lot better job these days isn?t He??
 

RGrew176

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An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man?s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man?s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man?s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Onlookers were completely shocked at the men?s behavior, but the old man didn?t seem to be fazed in the slightest.

Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, ?Humph, not much of a man, was he??

The waitress replied, ?Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.?
 

RGrew176

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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor?s office to collect his wife?s test results.

The lab tech says to him, ?I?m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife?s. Frankly, that?s either bad or terrible.?

?What do you mean??

?Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer?s disease and the other for AIDS. We can?t tell which is your wife.?

?That?s terrible! Can we do the test over?? asked Mr. Smith.

?Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won?t pay for these expensive tests more than once.?

?Well, what am I supposed to do now??

?The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don?t sleep with her.?
 

RGrew176

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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker?s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

?I have an idea, boss,? his chauffeur said. ?I?ve heard you give this speech so many times, I?ll bet I could give it for you.?

Einstein laughed loudly and said, ?Why not? Let?s do it!?

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur?s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein?s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody?s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, ?Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.?
 

RGrew176

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There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other lethal creatures.

The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them three wishes.

Nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and partying.

Suddenly, there was a big splash. The host looked and saw a man swimming for his life across the tank. Thankfully, he made it across in one piece.

The host walked over to the man and said, ?Alright ? you made it! WOW! What are your three wishes??

The man replied: ?First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give it to me. Second, see those bullets over there? Give them to me too. Third, show me the jerk that pushed me in.?
 
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